My boyfriend isn't interested in me anymore

[Sailor-meg]

So me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 2 years now, and been living together for about 9 months. We were in a long distance relationship as he lived in Germany but then he moved over to me in November. He is amazing and I love him with all my heart and I couldn't ask for better, but over the last few months there has been an issue.
In the beginning our sex life was amazing, even in the first few months where we lived together we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. But in the last 3-4 months or so it just seems to have gone downhill. He is uninterested in making love with me and barely touches me, I'm lucky if we do it once every week and a half. That may sound alright to some people but I have a high sex drive and he knows this. His sex drive was never as high as mine but it has really deflated recently. In the past I was very satisfied even though his drive was lower, it had never been an issue before. But now I'm always the one to make the first move and most of the time I get rejected, unless it's been a long time where he accepts and we do it, but I always feel that this is just forced to stop me from trying again. He hardly ever makes a move on me so I feel like I have to do it otherwise we'll never get anywhere. I have tried not trying at all to see if he would make the first move because I was sick of it always being me, but we ended up not even touching eachother for like 2 weeks and it really brought me down and made me feel horrible so I tried again. It makes me feel that he isn't interested in me anymore and doesn't want to be with me or doesn't find me attractive, even though he has said a lot that he loves me and finds me really attractive. This is partly down to my low self esteem that I feel this way but usually I'm good at ignoring it until it gets really bad then it gets worse when he makes me feel this way so I just can't help it. I feel like I'm so annoying when I try to make the first move but I know that if I don't he never will. I'm sick of being rejected by him and I just don't know what to do anymore because I love him and I want to make love to him. I want him to love me back. For me, the intimacy of sex is important in our relationship and it allows me to feel loved and attractive which helps with my self esteem, and so since we have stopped I feel worse and worse about myself. We always do it when he wants to, never when I'm in the mood. I wouldn't have to make the first move frequently if he would do it just a little bit more but he doesn't get that.

I'm not shallow and sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship but it is important, I enjoy sex and I enjoy it with him so naturally I want it with him. I always want him but he never wants me back, at least that's how he makes me feel.

I have tried to talk to him about it a few times but every time he never seems to understand what I'm saying and makes it out that I'm trying to pressure him into doing it which is what I never wanted to do. I want him to take the initiative a bit more. He always turns it back on me to make me feel like I'm the problem and I'm the one who ends up apologising for being 'stupid'. He doesn't seem to care about me or my needs, and tbh I don't want much I would be so much happier if we did it twice a week which really isn't a lot. He tells me a lot that I always cause problems for him so when he rejects me I just say ok and leave it, I try to stay happy and not let it affect me but when you get rejected by the person who is supposed to love you every time you try and be intimate with them it's hard not to be upset. I miss our old relationship and how we used to be but I don't know how to explain that to him without him thinking I'm trying to make him something he's not and seeming pushy, I just want him to make a bit more effort with me.

He lies about masturbating and I'm not sure how often he does it, but he also watches live girls cams when he masturbates which makes me feel even worse and slightly as if I've been cheated on?? I feel that I'm not good enough or attractive enough and that's why he doesn't want to make love with me.

He is also way less affectionate with me in general. He used to compliment me and make me feel loved constantly but I don't get that feeling from him anymore. When we're together he spends most of his time on his phone and doesn't talk to me or even look at me or he is on his ps4, sometimes he can get really aggressive when he is playing and loses and in all honesty he scares me. He's never hit me but I don't like seeing that side of him because I thought he was so lovely and kind like he was before. He doesn't seem to care how I'm feeling, doesn't even ask, whenever we kiss its brief little kisses when we used to have such passion. He used to kiss me like we wouldn't see eachother for days even when we were only away from eachother for a few hours and I miss it. A lot of the time he speaks to me in a really horrible way and says nasty things, like I always cause problems for him and I make his day drag when I talk to him, when before he was so lovely and would never say a bad word against me. I don't think he realises how horrible he is sometimes and then gets even nastier when I get defensive about it and try to ask him not to say those things as they hurt me. It's like he can't bare to be with me anymore but then other times he is normal and affectionate, I just don't get it. He is the best man I've ever been with and I love him so much so it really hurts to think that our relationship may be weakening.

So can anyone give some advice on what to say to him or how to improve our sex life/ my self esteem regarding the sex and his affection? I just want him to be interested in me. I don't want much from him because I want him to be happy too, I just want him to understand that I have needs too. I want to try and explain to him without him bringing it back round on me and making me the problem and without forcing him to do something. I can take constructive criticism to help with the self esteem thing, but please any advice would be so great. Sorry that this is so long but there was lots to say.
Thanks a lot


Another thing I forgot to add is that we've recently started going to the gym, and I am trying and make myself look better for him so that he might find me more attractive so I'm trying to improve myself to make him more interested rather than to try and persuade him to want me. He always used to say he never fancied skinny girls and I am more curvy and a bit chubby, but suddenly he has changed his tune and has decided that he fancies skinny girls too. It suddenly made me lose faith that he finds me attractive because he suddenly changed his opinion like that... And I see him staring at the pretty, fit girls in the gym even when I am with him. I know that guys look at girls even in a relationship and that's natural for them, but he is obvious about it and doesn't even look in my direction which bothers me. I don't know how I can feel attractive for him and make him want me... So any advice on that??

[melancholia]

I think you need to work on improving your self-esteem/self-image before anything else. You need to want to work on this for yourself, not for someone else. I'm not saying you need to be alone to do that, but I think you need to redirect your energy back into yourself. You seem to be focusing more on your boyfriend's happiness than your own. You sacrifice your own needs in order to be more appealing to him, but at what cost? What is he sacrificing for you, and how does it make you feel when he not only rejects you, but he gaslights you and tries to make you feel bad about bringing up how HIS behavior makes you feel? It's not fair that he won't listen to you when you try talking to him about what you need and how you feel, and someone who loves you will do anything they can to be supportive and listen to you when you're going through a difficult time.

I think you should talk to him and tell him exactly what you've said here. Be firm, and honest with him. Tell him you wish things went back the way they were. Tell him how it makes you feel when he talks down to you or ignores your feelings, or checks out other women in front of you. Tell him he is nasty and mean when he talks to you sometimes, and do not let him try to spin that back on you and blame you for it. His actions have consequences, and part of being an adult means realizing that the consequences of our actions sometimes affect other people. His actions are affecting you negatively, and something needs to change, or your relationship will crumble.

I think working out and putting your energy back into things that keep you feeling good about yourself is a fantastic idea -- keep doing that! Start surrounding yourself with positive energy. Start hanging out with people who bring you joy, and maybe take up a new hobby (or old hobby) so you can start finding new things to pour your energy back into. When people exude positive, happy energy, it draws other happy, positive people toward you. I think once you work on improving your self-esteem and a more positive self-image, it will become easier for you to realize that you deserve better than what you are getting from your relationship. I'm not saying you should break up with him right now, but when you realize you deserve better, you will not tolerate anything less. It will be easier for you to talk to him about what you need and want because you will demand to be treated better.

[Sailor-meg]

Thank you so much! I will definitely try that and work on my self esteem some more x

[TheEvilJester]

I couldn't agree with melancholia more, as she pretty much read my mind in how I would have responded to your message. So, rather than just reiterate what she had to say, I'll also comment on a few other things related to your story...

When it comes right down to it, there is NOTHING wrong with you if you have a high sex drive. However, on the flip side of the coin, there is nothing wrong with him if he has a low/lower sex drive. That doesn't make one or the other of you wrong. However, what WOULD be wrong is if either of you tried to force the other to just be okay with that. I think, in this case, you are sort of both doing that, but I don't think either of you are intending to do that. I can't speak to him since we've not heard his side of the story, but I certainly at least get the intention that you are not trying to do that at all.

I wish I didn't have to say this.... but one thing you may need to consider is whether or not your sex drives are just incompatible. It is one thing if you two don't quite have the same sex drive.... but it is close enough that you can make it work. However, given the story you've shared, I can't help but wonder if maybe that is unlikely. Believe me, I understand that's not what you want to hear. I wish I could tell you that you two can make it work if you both want to make it work.... but there IS the possibility that even if you two do make the effort to try that it will turn out you are just too much on two different sides of the coin for it to ever work.

Believe me, I hope that isn't the case. I get you really love this guy. And you hit the nail RIGHT on the head.... Sex should not be the MOST important part of a relationship..... but it IS important. It isn't like we are talking about a minor little thing here. It isn't like he hates a movie you love, or you like going to the beach but he doesn't. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. Believe me, if you two are just not compatible in that way, you will only bring yourselves a lot of unneeded pain if you try to force it to work.


....BUT, don't misunderstand me.... I'm not saying that IS the case, I'm just saying you should at least keep in mind that it COULD be the case. As melancholia said and I will agree, the only way to really know is to talk to him about it. What I would suggest, though, is that you do NOT choose to talk to him about it the next time he ignores your advances. That is when you will be most upset, and that is the worst time to have a discussion with somebody because emotions are heightened.

What you should do is wait for a time when you've let yourself cool down and you can begin the discussion with him as just that... a discussion, NOT an argument. Now, he may be un-receptive and try to turn it into an argument, but if he does, do your best not to let him cause you to get to that point as well. You do not want to bring this up to him as though he has done anything wrong. The idea should not be to assign blame. The idea should be to have both your feelings heard and to decide if you two are close enough that you CAN make it work, or if you are just too far off in this aspect for it to work out.

From your perspective, him not wanting you makes you feel like he never wants you, and it makes you feel less about yourself... when likely that is never his intention nor his mindset. However, think of it also from his perspective. If his sex drive is lower, then when you want it so much more, it may start to make him feel like that is all you ever want.... even when that is not at all the case. Your sex drive may feel unreasonable to him even though, in reality it is not. So, that is why he may not see/understand that he's being very dismissive of you and not giving you the understanding attention you deserve, even if it just means actually listening to you. I'm sure if his sex drive was lower but he was at least understanding and supportive of you it may still suck, but would at least suck a little less. By the fact that he is so rude and dismissive about it, that only makes things worse.

Bottom line, though, no matter what happens, I could not agree more with melancholia's advice to work on your self-esteem. You need to feel good FOR YOU. If he doesn't want you, that shouldn't make you feel any less of yourself. Your worth is not wrapped up in him. When it comes right down to it, I hope it doesn't have to come to this, but if he doesn't want you, then somebody else will. Take it from somebody who has lived most of their life with NO self-esteem.... it is no way to live.

Good luck to you either way. I hope you two are able to talk and are able to make this work in a way that makes you both happy. If not, though, I hope you can at least part ways amicably, and I hope you are able to find the person who WILL better match with you and you can live happily ever after.

[Sailor-meg]

Thank you too! I never thought about seeing it through his perspective too so that was really eye opening and helpful. I'm going to try everything to make this work because honestly I can't imagine my life without him, and we've gone through so much that it would be so difficult for us to break up like him moving over to me from Germany... If we did break up he would have nowhere to go and his job isn't enough to live alone. Thank you so much for the advice

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, I certainly do say you consider it practically a Plan Z... so to speak (as in the last resort, if all else fails and it just seems it won't work). BUT... it does need to at least be a plan. Yes, it would suck if you two seem perfect for each other..... except in one fatal aspect. ...But if you two are not compatible in an important way like that, that is likely not to change and likely only to ever cause you both trouble and pain.

It is awesome that you care about what would happen to him if you two did break up. You are a good person for thinking of things like that, like the fact that he moved from Germany to be with you, that he can't afford right now to live on his own..... but the thing is, IF you two do not work out, you can't stay with somebody just because of things like that. IF it does have to come down to you two breaking up, he'll eventually be okay. Sure, it may take time for him to get himself back up, but he will be okay. That can't be your problem if it turns out that you two just won't be happy together.

....And all that said, honestly, I hope you never even have to worry about this anyway. If I could have my wish as it relates to you and your relationship, it would be that you two figure this out and are happier than ever. That is what you want, so that is what I would want for you. It's just that, IF that turns out to be unlikely, I would wish for you that you care enough about yourself to realize that you deserve to be happy, and if that is unlikely to be with him, then that means you need to let yourself have the chance to find somebody else.

I sincerely hope you don't even have to consider that, though. Hopefully this is not a case where you two are too far apart in your natures to ever come up with a resolution that makes you both happy. Hopefully his lacking sex drive is just a temporary situation and things will be better very soon.

Good luck to you either way.

[melancholia]

I think you should start imagining your life without him. Not because I think a break up is inevitable, but because it's important to be able to rely on yourself and not on other people. He is not the be all, end all to your overall happiness, and no sole person should be. When you rely so heavily on someone to the point where you cannot see yourself without them, it is dangerous to your overall well-being because chances are that person won't be in your life forever. Your love for your boyfriend should outweigh your need for him. You shouldn't NEED him in your life, you should WANT him in your life and there is a very big difference between those two connections. There's a poem by Rupi Kaur that I want to share with you because I think it may resonate with you and help you with your self-esteem:

"I do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me--
I want to be full on my own.

I want to be so complete
I could light a whole city,
and then
I want to have you
cause the two of
us combined
could set it
on fire."

I think that sex is very important in a relationship. It's the one big difference between platonic and romantic relationships. I think that when the sex is great and you're having it often and you are feeling satisfied, that it affects the relationship a lot less than when the sex is bad, or you aren't having it often. When you aren't feeling sexually fulfilled and you're feeling rejected, it bleeds into your relationship and begins to affect other areas in a negative way. Whereas when the sex is great, it also bleeds into other areas of your relationship, but in a positive way. You feel more deeply connected to that person, and that is extremely important to keep the relationship afloat.

I've been in long term relationships and it takes effort from both people to make the relationship work. And it doesn't take 50/50, it takes 100/100 percent of effort from both people. If one of you is putting more effort in than the other, the relationship is off-balance and it won't survive unless the other person starts putting in equal effort. It would be one thing if your boyfriend were trying to make an effort to ease your feelings of rejection and insecurity, especially when his behavior is the root cause of those feelings, but he doesn't seem to be doing that. So I think it's important for you to be clear about how you feel with him, be honest about how his behavior is making you feel and that you are worried things are going downhill. Maybe he doesn't realize the severity of these feelings you have, and therefore, he doesn't know how to handle them. Maybe something bigger is going on with him and he isn't able to communicate that with you easily, and he may need some coaxing to be able to do that.

[Sailor-meg]

Thank you both very much, you're very kind! 😊

[Medina]

Hey there, I think you guys should give a break from doing sex more often. Give him fun, freedom and don't bind him with any restrictions. Do sex less, and see what happens.