Girl dating obssesed now ignoring me, please help!!

[Jason350]

I really need to some advice on this matter as I have been feeling so cut up and down since this happened and would really appreciate any positive advice you may have. I met this girl who lives on one of the islands off the UK, it is a distance away from from me but only 40 min journey on plane, and its cheap to get there (still we both know it’s a long distance relationship)
Over the course of 5 months we have been chatting with each other almost everyday for long periods of time, I have visited her twice during this period.
This girl was pretty much infatuated with me, saying I was one of the best people she has every met in her life, and that she really cares about me, she would also call me babe, and get sad if I did not call her, and sad when the calls ended wanting me to talk more.

A bit of background on her, when I went over the first time to visit her she revealed she has just come out of a terrible relationship with a guy, who hit her before as well as being a obsessive nut texting her loads and even sleeping in her garage, being stalky and creepy, she hate this guy now, she also suffer with anxiety problems, is not a party animal who though has good mates at work, stays at home more often.
Though it was soon after we met, we have been getting to know each other over the phone and Skype, and when I visited her the first time on the Island things developed quickly between us, though we did not sleep with each other (as she was on her cycle), we slept in same bed and she even performed oral on me (sorry if this is to much info!!)

When I came back, we were even more into each other, with long calls everyday, I told her I would be coming back in 3 weeks and she was ecstatic and told me pretty much everyday how much she missed me, she said she was going to book her ticket to where I lived as soon as she got paid and was even inviting me to go on holiday together next year to visit her sister (which for me was moving quite fast but was going with the flow and did not knock this invite down) she said had told her friends about me, as well as telling me she was looking forward to sleeping with me, which I thought was pretty forward, but hey I kinda liked it.

When I went over the second time the first night we slept with each other and it felt really good for both if us, the next morning before she had to go work on an early she asked me if we were dating, I fluffed and got nervous and said 'we will see' I could see she was not happy with this response, it was really early in the morning and I guess was not ready for this, but in my mind there was no other girl I was interested in!

That evening we went out with her friends and got pretty drunk, and got back late and collapsed. The next day she was acting cold and distant from me, I asked her if everything was ok and she told me she is not used to having company for this long and is used to being alone, though it was good having me here. I asked how it made her feel when I said ‘we will see’ to the dating question and she said she felt rejected I told her this I not what I meant, and of course we are seeing each other, the rest of the night though we were holding each other it felt different, it was like she was backing away, I wish we talked more about this in hindsight and reassured her that it was her I wanted to be with but her saying she was not used to having someone here it did not feel right.
.
I came back to the UK feeling confused, that night I called her and she basically said that she was not ready for a relationship, and thought we rushed sleeping together, and that it was absolutely nothing to do with me she just came out of a bad realtioship. She also said she was up for coming to see me, though would have to see when she could get time off, this not ready for a relationship thing really confused me as she was the one talking about us the most as well as saying/joiking that she was probably more into me that I for her.

I was feeling but hurt, and did not call her the next day mostly as I thought she needed space, however I called the next day way, I could not get through, asked her to call back, which she did but I missed it I then tried to ring back but no response. We have had a brief couple of chats on whats app, and she did not respond to my last message, next morning damn whats app! I see her online, I cave in and ask her how her night went and I missed talking to her, still no response, I leave it a few days and call her no response. I leave it a few more days and send her a text message saying that I cannot lie that I have been hurt by her ignoring me because I care about her, but I wanted to let her know that I was sorry if I hurt her (in regards to saying ‘we will see’ and that I would love to see her, asked her to give me a bell and that I am here for her.
No réponse flat out being ignored, two weeks since we last spoke, I feel heartbroken and lost, I really liked this girl and honestly she was really into me possibly even more than me, I just cannot understand why this happened.. Is is it something I done? Should I call her/message her again? what should I say if so?
Whatever happens I would just like to know whats happened, or if she needs space thats fine, but ignoring me is so cruel I can’t understand how she could cut me off just like that, after saying all those things to me and getting to know each other over that period of time we became really close, she is also the the one who has said we have a great chemistry and connection together, and she is very attracted to and cares about me.
It just dose not make sense, I feel so lost, is there anything I can do to get her to speak to me again?
Sorry I know it sounds a bit wet when I say it like that, but I would really appreciate your advice, also thank for very much for reading through this long email
Much Love x

[Wakeup]

Well, that's the trouble with getting to know someone over the internet instead of quickly meeting and getting to know one another in person. Often, the online chemistry just doesn't pan out in real life.

I think she's immature, rude and a lousy prospect for a long term relationship if she would be so weak to ghost on you. The least she could have done was to simply tell you about what a great guy you are but the connection just wasn't there and to wish you good luck in your dating.

Don't blame yourself, it happens to everyone that is dating (sooner or later) and its just the way it is.

she revealed she has just come out of a terrible relationship with a guy, who hit her before as well as being a obsessive nut texting her loads and even sleeping in her garage, being stalky and creepy,

BTW: If she's allowing this guy to sleep in her garage and not calling the police on him if he's doing it without her permission then I think you've actually dodged a bullet.

Don't call her again and if she should call you, ignore her because she shouldn't be forgiven for ghosting on you because chances are, if she did it then, she'd do it to you again.

Pfffft to her...

[melancholia]

I don't quite see this situation the same way Wakeup sees it. OP: none of what you outlined in your original post suggests she was "obsessed" with you. In fact, you seem far more into her than she was into you, but both of you weren't being honest about what you wanted or how you felt, so what do you expect? I think this woman got out of a bad, abusive relationship and started looking for someone way too soon. Falling back into relationship patterns after leaving a sh*tty relationship is natural. When you are used to being in a serious relationship, it can be difficult to harness the patience needed to develop something new with a new person. The exact same thing happened to me when I left my ex of five years, two and a half years ago. I started dating someone new after only 1.5 months of being single, and very quickly felt myself falling right back into the same patterns I created when I was with my ex, only with someone new. It can take people a while to heal from bad relationships, so give this woman a break. I don't think you should try to see her again, she isn't ready for a relationship yet, she blatantly told you that. I think she needs more time to be single and figure out what she really wants out of life. For her to recognize that early, and for her to tell you she wasn't ready for a relationship right now is not ghosting. Ghosting is when someone ignores you and never says a word about why. She didn't do that. She told you she was used to being alone and that she wasn't ready for a relationship, so now you need to move on.

There are plenty of other women out there who would be better suited for you. Look for someone who wants the same things you do, and who is ready for a relationship (if that is what you want). Stop focusing on someone who doesn't want you, or isn't at the place where they are capable of being in a relationship with someone.

[Wakeup]

Well, when someone says this:

She also said she was up for coming to see me, though would have to see when she could get time off, this not ready for a relationship thing really confused me as she was the one talking about us the most as well as saying/joiking that she was probably more into me that I for her.

and then completely ignores him... doesn't tell him its over (just that she's not ready to be in a relationship)and on top of that, then ignores him completely ... That's "ghosting."

Ghosting is also how you describe it but it's certainly not the only description of it.

[melancholia]

By her telling him, "I'm not ready for a relationship" is the key point of this entire situation. She was probably lying about being up for visiting him after she felt rejected by him after his "we'll see" comment. I don't think the OP did anything wrong, other than misread her level of interest in him. Maybe she realized she wasn't ready for another relationship so soon. Or maybe she felt hurt and rejected by him, so she decided to bough out. The fact of the matter is that she told him how she felt and she blatantly told him she isn't ready for a relationship. She doesn't owe him any more than that. He should read her signs that she lost interest, not continue to question whether he should waste his time pursuing someone who clearly doesn't want to be.

[Jason350]

Thank you very much to everyone for your reply's it is much appreciated. Just to clarify I did not meet this girl online, I met her in my hometown, we got chatting and then she contacted me back and we have been in contact ever since now. In terms of the obssessed part maybe that is a bit heavy, but she was really into me and the things she was suggesting such as going on holiday together all came from her, I was actaully feeling a bit overwhelmed before this all happend if I was to be honest.

I actaully think things changed when I said 'well see' I was not playing it cool, I guess I just choked after previous bad experience and wanted to take it slow, but it came out the wrong way, in-fact she is the only girl for me, I wish I could let her know that. Though not been able to get her on the phone. She told me she felt rejected when I said that, which contradicts the not ready for realationship stuff as well as all the other things we were planning together, in-fact it very much felt like we were together and dating and I know thats how she felt, I blowed it by making her feel rejected and she then went cold, because before then things were very different and she would sometimes say she was afraid I would not like her anymore, which I said was crazy. I understand what people are saying about letting go, and if I have to do so I will, but we were really into each other and I must of hurt her to make her ignore me like this, though it would be bettter if we could have talked about it instead off cutting me off, I dont think I said anything that bad, but I just wish I could tell her how I feel about about her, I am not expecting anything back would just like to let her know.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks again for your comments, I just wanted to add that I think that over the course of getting to know each other for 5 months, being intimate and both expressing our interest for each other quite openly, that I think blanking 'ghosting' me seems a pretty harsh thing for her to do, her intersest level was right up there untill the last day I saw her, after the comment had been made. Though she is now saying 'not ready for realtionship' it contradicts her reaction to my comment, and also the way she was feeling about me before this. When someone says 'you are one of the best people they have met in their lifes' and that they 'really care about you' non communicating sucks hard as it is harshet way to blow someone off, and why it has left me feeling confused.

[melancholia]

Thank you very much to everyone for your reply's it is much appreciated. Just to clarify I did not meet this girl online, I met her in my hometown, we got chatting and then she contacted me back and we have been in contact ever since now. In terms of the obssessed part maybe that is a bit heavy, but she was really into me and the things she was suggesting such as going on holiday together all came from her, I was actaully feeling a bit overwhelmed before this all happend if I was to be honest.

I actaully think things changed when I said 'well see' I was not playing it cool, I guess I just choked after previous bad experience and wanted to take it slow, but it came out the wrong way, in-fact she is the only girl for me, I wish I could let her know that. Though not been able to get her on the phone. She told me she felt rejected when I said that, which contradicts the not ready for realationship stuff as well as all the other things we were planning together, in-fact it very much felt like we were together and dating and I know thats how she felt, I blowed it by making her feel rejected and she then went cold, because before then things were very different and she would sometimes say she was afraid I would not like her anymore, which I said was crazy. I understand what people are saying about letting go, and if I have to do so I will, but we were really into each other and I must of hurt her to make her ignore me like this, though it would be bettter if we could have talked about it instead off cutting me off, I dont think I said anything that bad, but I just wish I could tell her how I feel about about her, I am not expecting anything back would just like to let her know.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks again for your comments, I just wanted to add that I think that over the course of getting to know each other for 5 months, being intimate and both expressing our interest for each other quite openly, that I think blanking 'ghosting' me seems a pretty harsh thing for her to do, her intersest level was right up there untill the last day I saw her, after the comment had been made. Though she is now saying 'not ready for realtionship' it contradicts her reaction to my comment, and also the way she was feeling about me before this. When someone says 'you are one of the best people they have met in their lifes' and that they 'really care about you' non communicating sucks hard as it is harshet way to blow someone off, and why it has left me feeling confused.

With added details like this, it changes the situation for sure. It sounds like she played you, which is totally rude and uncalled for, but what can you do about it? Nothing, really. She is ignoring your attempts to contact her and she told you she wasn't ready for a relationship, and whether she was being honest about that or not is irrelevant. It totally sucks and hurts when you feel you are into someone, and that the connection is there, and then *poof* it's done and you're left feeling surprised and rejected.

I still think it's best if you move on from this woman. Whether she isn't ready for a relationship or she's just not into you, we just can't know for sure. You deserve someone who won't waste your time and who knows what they want. I believe you'll find it!

[Wakeup]

Thanks again for your comments, I just wanted to add that I think that over the course of getting to know each other for 5 months, being intimate and both expressing our interest for each other quite openly, that I think blanking 'ghosting' me seems a pretty harsh thing for her to do, her intersest level was right up there untill the last day I saw her, after the comment had been made. Though she is now saying 'not ready for realtionship' it contradicts her reaction to my comment, and also the way she was feeling about me before this. When someone says 'you are one of the best people they have met in their lifes' and that they 'really care about you' non communicating sucks hard as it is harshet way to blow someone off, and why it has left me feeling confused.

If she's not dead, then ignoring you altogether instead of just telling you that its over was and still is my whole point.

Frankly, I think you've dodged a bullet because anyone who would tell you all she told you only to ghost on you (telling you she's not ready for a relationship is NOT telling you its over) needs some work on her ability to be empathetic, truthful, and compassionate.

You telling her "we'll see" to her question of "are we dating" is absolutely no reason for her to be the biznitch she's shown you she is. At the time you told her that, you barely knew one another for goodness sakes so stop blaming yourself for her shitty behaviour and stop contacting her (if you still are).

If she actually told you that it was over and to have a great life (rather then "I'm not ready for a relationship" which implies she still wants to see you but isn't ready for commitment yet )and then ignored you... well THAT I could understand.