Confused. (<--- Because that's original *sarcasm)

[Bookworm]

Well. Here we are. This'll be a long one, so buckle in.

This is definitely not something I ever would have pictured myself doing a couple of months ago. Then again, I've done a lot of stuff I wouldn't have pictured myself doing a couple of months ago. Let me start from the beginning.

I have tinder. I got it because I liked the idea of being able to swipe left or right based on first impressions, as awful and judgemental as that sounds. Then I met a couple of cool people, and I sort of kept it. A virgin from an extremely conservative area, working through the extremely sexual and rude comments wasn't fun, but the people you could have good conversations with made it worthwhile.

Then I met... Jessie. That's not actually his name, but I don't want to compromise his privacy either. Jessie was open on his profile that he was on tinder for either hookups or friends, but he was only interested in forming a romantic relationship with a guy. I figured I wouldn't fit into the first category(hookups), or the last category(relationships), but from his pictures he seemed like a really nice, outgoing person, and I liked something about him. And then we matched. He messaged me first, and we started talking quite a bit. He was very open and friendly, and we had a lot of really great debates. As a very liberal person, he and I often looked at things quite differently, but we had a lot in common. We exchanged numbers before long, and endless text messaging began.

This is probably important to state. Jessie and I live about five hours away. He's in collage while I'm homeschooled and working. The possibility of us meeting up in the near future isn't extremely likely, but we'd both like to eventually.

He brought up the topic of 'talking dirty' on occasion a couple of weeks after we'd started talking. He was really nice about it, and when I said that 'I didn't think I was ready to do something like that at the moment,', he wasn't pushy or rude about it at all. A while later, it just sort of happened. You know, sending more sexual messages. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I do know that it did. And I didn't mind it much at all. I felt really special for some reason. We started doing it once and a while, but not too often either. I never minded, but I knew that if I ever didn't want to, I could always say no and he'd be cool with it.

I knew through out our entire friendship that he was a bit promiscuous. He's open about that, and I've never said anything about it. We talk pretty much every day. In fact, I don't think we've missed a day in the last two months. I feel like I could tell him pretty much anything about myself and he'd be okay with it. For somebody who lives in a community with a lot of unspoken social rules and expectations, it's a wonderful thing to have, and I'm extremely grateful for it. We've shared a lot of secrets, both ways, and I think he knows more about me than anybody else in my life.

Sometimes, he'll tell me stories about these hookups. I don't think he realizes that it bothers me at all, and I don't want him to feel like he can't talk to me about it, but at the same time, as selfish as it is, I wish he wouldn't. I'm really, really scared that once the novelty of our relationship wears off, the whole 'conservative girl vs liberal boy' thing, our friendship will eventually fall away. I don't think we'd have a big argument or anything, I just think that we'd start skipping days where we talk to each other. First it'd be one or two days, then a week, then a month, and eventually we won't be close at all anymore. That's one of the scariest things to me. I love having him in my life, and I care about him a lot. I realize that he's not interested in a relationship, and as much as I like him, I can live with that, but I'd hate not to talk to him at all.

I care about Jessie, I really do. And I love our relationship. Is it terribly selfish of me to want him to myself? When I say I'm okay with it, am I lying to myself? I'm starting to question everything. I really don't know what to do. I don't really even know what my question is per say. But if anybody has any advice, I'd love to hear it.

[smackie9]

It's not being selfish, it's that you both want very different things. The sad reality is that he is using you. He has manipulated you emotionally, lured you in, making you feel special, and before you knew it, you were talking dirty to him. Sexual talk is not love or him showing you love. I bet money on it he is masturbating while you are doing it, and you are not the only one he is doing this with. I'm sure he is sexting/ cyber sexing with multiples.

You are so desperate for a relationship, it has made you latch onto him, even tho he has other agendas. You need to wake up and smell the reality, that this is going to be temporary, not a life long thing. He will be done with you and find something else to entertain himself with.

You have a dependency, and it's unhealthy. It's denying you from meeting someone who is actually interested in a relationship. Get off Tender, it's full of hookup and douches.