The guy I was seeing for 9 months fell for another girl while on vacation

[chidaruma]

Two months into the relationship, the guy I was seeing confessed that he loved me and that I was his first real love interest. He was three years younger than me (26 and 23) and I never really took him seriously because he was very inexperienced with people and relationships. I guarded myself from falling for him because I knew that his inexperience and lack of understanding of the world would only make it that much more possible of him falling for someone else.

I would often get annoyed at him and couldn't hide it from him at times. He said he liked that about me because I was honest with him. One of the reasons why he took an interest in me in the first place was because I said that he looked like a liar (and at the time he really was a big liar to everyone he met). He said that I helped him mature a lot while we were seeing each other and he would constantly tell me that he loved me and that there was no one else for him but me. I never took him seriously (but to be honest, hearing those words made me feel good and I wanted to accept them).

He did have sad past and I wanted to help him mature without being overly critical but I’m not always so gentle when I speak (especially to him). I never wanted to appear weak around him but at times he would almost make me break because I was also inexperienced with relationships but I never let him know about it and kept a strong front instead (which could have been another mistake on my part).

One of my biggest frustrations with him was his memory span. He would constantly forget serious things that I said or he said but I couldn’t always hold it against him and I knew that he would get upset for not remembering things at times.

He said that I was the only one he could reveal his true self to and that I was the reason that he was changing for the better. He said that he loved both my good and bad attributes but claimed that he never really saw them as bad but rather useful. I could see that he was gradually maturing but I would complain that he was still far away from reaching his true potential. He never minded my complaints and rather appreciated them, which would also annoy me. He rarely hung out with his friends but he had also been like that. I always told him to go meet other people and girls but he would casually pass on my urging and refuse to meet other girls. I would tell him that the more people he met the better it would be for his experience. I was the only girl that he ever really went out with so I would tell him to meet other girls because then he would understand his feelings better or at least realize that I also had negative attributes. He refused to meet other girls and said he didn't need to because his love for me was real.

Personally, I didn’t want him sleeping with other girls but I wanted to see if he would really follow through with his claims. I knew that I was testing him but he never seemed to break no matter what I said to him. He had never been outside the country so one of the things I told him to do was to go abroad and experience the world. I told him that if he went abroad, he would at least briefly forget about me and start seeing my flaws and be attracted to other girls. He would always deny it until up to a few days ago.

I helped him book a 9 day trip to Spain. He was excited and nervous and I was excited (as well as jealous) for him. I told him not to use roaming on his phone because it would be too expensive and only use wifi. While he was away, we hardly texted online but I knew it was because he was abroad. Days later, his texts become shorter and some days, he wouldn’t text at all. I knew it was because he was having fun but a part of me thought, if it’s someone who claims to love you as much as he said he did, wouldn’t he make more of an effort. Although it would cost a little more, he could still text with his phone whenever he wanted to but he never did. Not long ago, I was abroad as well and he would try to contact me every day both through online text and regular texts. He on the other hand claimed that the wifi wasn’t very good or that something was wrong with his phone.

I had a feeling things weren’t how they usually were before and I tried to prepare myself for it. When he texted me, telling me that he had arrived. I told him that I knew something was wrong and asked how he still felt about me but he couldn’t answer. After I told him we no longer have any reason to speak to each other, he confessed right away. He told me that he’s confused and no longer knows how he feels about me. He said me he only kissed another girl who was on the same vacation package as him. He tried to explain more but I cut him off right away. I didn’t want to hear the rest of his story. To me his hesitation in answering how he felt about me and “I’m confused” was enough. He started to say how much he disliked himself and how he was sorry, which all sounded like bullshit but I know that for him, he really is at least a little confused. His final texts to me were somewhat unemotional and cold and he didn’t resist when I said that we were over. He just asked me if that was what I really wanted. Before whenever I tried to end our relationship he would put up a fight.

Before I cut him off, he said he had to meet me regardless if I ended it with him because he had to return the suitcase that I lent him. He was beginning to sound like an asshole and I told him that he didn’t have to return my suitcase but he said he was going to do what he wanted and return it to me. That was this morning and now it’s the evening and he hasn’t contacted me at all.

I’m just curious to know what could be going on in his simple minded head. The thing is, he was quick to forget people he’s been with in his past because he never really got attached or stayed with them for very long. I was the longest relationship he’s ever had so far and according to him, his first real love. He would constantly ask me if we could be an official couple and would also talk about marriage and having children and how he couldn’t live without me. I know not to take these words seriously but I want to know how it’s so easy for him to forget all the things he said, and emotions he felt and fall for another girl.

Was he really just inexperienced and realize that he never really loved me? Or just lonely and using me? If so, he’s a damn good actor.

[solarion]

He sounds like a really immature 23yo and you sound like an enabling mother figure to him more so than a gf. Nine months and you weren't officially a couple? Think you were likely using each other.

I cannot tell you what he's thinking or feeling, but it sounds like you kept him at arms length, encouraged him to broaden his horizons, and he has done as you instructed. Why didn't you go to Spain with him?

[Wakeup]

he really is at least a little confused

Of course he's confused... the whole time he's fawning his fool ass over you, you're telling him to see other women, helping to book trips to go on his own to and then, when he does what you have been encouraging him to do, you freak out on him. Are you Borderline personality disordered? (Serious question not asked in malice) because your actions led him to do exactly what you told him to do but obviously, you didn't want him doing. That, my dear, is fvcked up and it sounds exactly how a BPD'er would shit test. Your "leave me ~ no, don't go" BS failed you both very well.

Frankly: I hope for his emotional well being that he stays away from you and never contacts you again and if he were the one posting, that is exactly what I would advise him to do.

[melancholia]

You told him to pursue other women so that he could learn about relationships, yet when he does this, you automatically cut him off and cannot speak to him? He can't win with you, can he?