Can anyone explain my boyfriend's behavior?

[invierna]

Hi,

this might get a bit long but I would really appreciate your opinions.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. He's 30, I'm 27.
We met each other through a mutual friend and fell in love directly. He told me very quickly that he loves me and that I'm the love of his life and that he wants a future with me and grow old with me. He even said those things before I did. He also directly introduced me to all of his friends and family.He seemed to be so sure about us that after just a months he asked me if I wanna move in with him. At that time my rental contract just expired, so I decided to take a risk and moved in with him. The first months were wonderful and just perfect, after a while we started fighting about daily things though, like he didn't like how I washed the dishes or that I didn't cook him dinner when he came back from work. A few months later we broke up and I moved out. That was last summer. We didn't have contact for a couple of weeks, then he reached out to me and asked me if I want to meet. First I told him no, made up excuses because I was scared to meet him. Then I finally met him and I could directly see in his face how much he still loves me. His eyes, his face expressions, the way he looked at me all the time. He then kissed me. He told me that he still loves me very much and misses me like crazy, but that he isn't sure if it's a good idea if we get back together. I left him alone for a few days, then he came back and said he wants to be with me. Every since we're a couple again, which has been 7 months now. We didn't move back in together, but we kept seeing each other a lot though and spent like 5 days/nights per week together.


The first time was a bit rough again, but most of the time we were just happy and so in love, kissing, holding hands all the time, laughing, spending time with each other etc. BUT he never really said all those things to me again he said in the beginning, like that I'm the love of his life and future plannings. That concerned me a lot. He still always says I love you or I miss you and he's a great boyfriend, sweet and caring. The last two months were, IMO, especially perfect because we didn't fight at all, just had really few discussions about some things.

Anyway, it concerned me a lot that he never really said those things from the beginning again and that he didn't even discuss if we ever move back together. The only 'future planning' we were doing is a trip we're doing in May this year. I then mentioned that I'll also go visit my family for 3 weeks in summer, who live pretty far from here. He then said I should try to rent out my apartment in August so I don't have to pay rent. It confused me a bit because in summer we'll be a couple for more than two years and back together for a whole year and he doesn't even seem to think about moving back together in the future.

So then I confronted him with my concerns, that he doesn't tell me those things he told me in the beginning and also asked him if he still wants a future with me. He first said he still loves me very much and he still 'feels all those things' (But I had to directly ask him if he still feels them) but that he doesn't know why he doesn't say them anymore. He just couldn't give me any answer. I then asked him about the moving back together, if he can see us living together in the future again. He said he doesn't know, but now definitely not. I asked why. He said that I'm too messy in his apartment. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I don't even live in his apartment but I'm helping him so much in the apt. I always clean up after myself, we cook together, occasionally I cook for him, I do the dishes, I help him with the laundry (also to hang them up and fold them later), I make the bed, I always ask if he needs help with something and I was even alone in his apartment for 4 whole days because he was at work and asked me if I can supervise the workers who came to fix the roof once, another time put new floors and wallpapers. I directly said no problem, for me that was natural. He also had a big water accident in his apt, everything was wet and I helped him clean and dry all night. So I was really hurt that he said that because I really do try my best. He had the 'messy problem' with me last year already when we still lived together and at that time I think he was a bit right, but since I knew it bothered him I did my very best to help him with everything I can. By the way, the few times he was at my apartment he never helped me with anything. If something really bothered him, why didn't he tell me in the moment instead of holding grudges? Plus, nowadays I'm not messy at all. Plus, he has a cleaning lady who comes once a week and cleans everything.

Then he also said he thinks that I'm not giving him enough space. I've also never heard that from his mouth before so it surprised me as well. Every week we're apart for 2-3 entire days because he has to work (well, and me too). The other time we spend together, literally most of the time. I'm all the time at his apt and he seems so happy and never says things like 'Let's meet with my friends' or 'Tonight I would like to meet a friend, just mke and him'. He always seems to enjoy his time with me a lot. Our relationship always seemed so wonderful, especially in the last time and he's always all over me, cuddling and kissing me, spooning me at night, asking me what I wanna do etc etc. So yes, hearing that I'm not giving him enough space also surprised me. He goes running (each time 1h) and rides the bicycle (5h) every couple of days and I always thought that was enough alone time for him because he never complained or said anything.

I asked him if he still wants this relationship but he wants to take it slow. And he cannot tell me if he wants to live together again. I told him I can give him more space, but that he has to tell me these things because I'm not a mindreader. But that I also need him to talk sometimes about the future and give me the feeling that I'm still the one for him. He said yes, he will try. But then he said he just thinks we're fighting so much because we're so much together. I couldn't believe what he said because IMO we never fight, especially not in the last months. Sometimes we have discussions, but nobody ever raises his voice and nobody ever ignores the other one. Sometimes we get a bit pissed at each other and one of us( usually me) then directly goes to the other one and starts talking til we make up. For me things are solved like this and I leave them in the past, but he brought up things from which I thought he also put them in the past. And again, he cannot even imagine in summer to move back in with me, he cannot tell me anything in that direction. For me that was not enough when he told me that. We ended the conversation then and he brought me home. That was Friday night by the way and the conversation was really calm, none of use raised the voice or cried or made a drama or anything.

The whole Friday night and Saturday we didn't have any contact. Saturday night he then texted me, asked me what I'm doing. We talked a bit and he asked me if I wanna go for dinner with him. I said yes and he picked me up. It was a really nice dinner, we talked about a lot of non-serious things and laughed a lot. Still, we didn't kiss when we said hello and we didn't kiss when we said goodbye. After more than two hours he brought me back to my apartment, gave me a long hug and left. When he was at home he texted me and asked me about a magazine I as talking about during dinner. We then talked a few minutes via text about random stuff and then I told him I'm going to sleep and said good night. He answered good night. That was last night. Ever since I haven't heard anything from him.

I really don't know what to think now. There are a million of thoughts in my head. If he says he still feels 'all those things' for me, why can't he say them once in a while? If he's always so sweet and great and wants to spend so much time with me, why didn't he tell me that he feels like I'm not giving him enough space? Why can't he even imagine at the moment to move back in together and claims stupid things like I didn't care about his apartment? And why did he ask me to go for dinner yesterday, didn't talk about anything serious then and now doesn't contact me anymore at all?

Please, I need your opinions and advices. Thanks so much!

[basilandthyme]

I really don't know what to think now. There are a million of thoughts in my head. If he says he still feels 'all those things' for me, why can't he say them once in a while? If he's always so sweet and great and wants to spend so much time with me, why didn't he tell me that he feels like I'm not giving him enough space? Why can't he even imagine at the moment to move back in together and claims stupid things like I didn't care about his apartment? And why did he ask me to go for dinner yesterday, didn't talk about anything serious then and now doesn't contact me anymore at all?

As soon as you wrote about the relationship breaking up early on, I just knew what you were going to write next

1. All those things he used to say was the adrenaline and hormones talking. It's that new relationship rush. And it never lasts. What you're seeing now is the 'real' him. You're 27...have you not experienced this before?

2. Can't tell you why he didn't ask for space.

3. He can't imagine moving back in with you because he doesn't want to live with you. I would imagine that some of what he said is because he's still very wary of the issues which happened when he lived with you previously Things must have been pretty bad if they caused the relationship to end.

All in all though, the ball is in your court if you want it to be. You don't like that he won't commit to a future with you? You don't like that he doesn't say sweet things? So dump him. It really is this simple.

[michelle23]

It all happened too fast. I presume its something like a cheetah who hits the ground running but then slowly runs out of energy.. the person who cares less is the one who holds all the power and right now your letting him dangle you on a string like a puppet. You need to toughen up and stop playing this BS game. Hes having doubts, he wont give you a straight answer so tell him to get stuffed and start moving on. Dont waste anymore time on someone who will keep you on a string

[Moxiesbuddy]

invierna, I'm glad you shared some background on your relationship. It seems like you're learning more about your boyfriend's intentions and it's hard to say how long he will want to "take it slow" or what that will look like.

As michelle23 and basil said, he's the one controlling things and possibly making excuses and stalling. If you truly want to know where you stand, it may be time to be honest with what your hopes and goals are together. If you want to move forward toward marriage, state that. If he isn't ready and can't commit, then you should end the relationship and find someone who IS interested in finding a life partner.

I'd hate to think he's keeping you around until someone better comes along. You've given it plenty of time and I'm sorry you even have to face this. It's always hard to break up when you've invested a lot of time and energy into another person. There's a book you might want to check out: _True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of your Life_. Wishing you God's best.

[woody]

Sounds like he's beating around the bush and unable to confront for some reason.
How does your heart feel when your around him? Still get butterfly's?

I would like to add that too much compromise on either side may not be the best recipe; and that from what I read, sounds like your having some doubts of your own.
IMO, do not settle, seek.