My wife is a totally different person than I married 1.5yrs ago

[lonewulf2572]

When I got married 1.5 yrs ago my wife was a fantastic partner. She had 4 kids when I married her and I fell in love with the kids as much as her. I treat them as mine and the call me dad. I would go to the ends of the earth for all of them. But over the last several months she has become so selfish I can't believe it. I work two jobs to support them and it's never enough. I supposed to pay for everything and answer for every dollar I spend even though I make 3x as much as her, but she can do whatever she wants including overdrawing our account whe she knows I have a ton of bills to pay and I'm not allowed to say a word. I get upset over something and I'm being a jerk or an asshole. She yells at me and it's nothing, or she didn't do that. I get no appreciation for anything, even though I pay for everything and do 3/4 of the household chores. Not allowed to say anything to the kids when they aren't doing as they're told, I'm not their dad at that point, but have to pay for everything to take care of "our" kids. Get yelled out for the credit card debt i have, when most of it has occured buying her and the kids things. Problem is, no matter what, I still love her so much it hurts. I love those kids so much it hurts. I just want a better life for us all, a happy fun life. But it all can't be roses. We are adults, we have responsibilities. I just want my wife back. I want our partnership back. we used to work together on things, now, it's all about her and what she needs. I love her and don't want to lose her! I don't want to lose the kids. They are all my world! But her new threat when I try to talk to to her is she'll take the kids and I'll never see them again. I have no legal ties to them so she knows she can. Not sure I could survive losing them. At a loss, don't know what to do.....

[Ugly_Swan]

....how can you love such a bitch?

[Ugly_Swan]

Also--her threat sounds like a bluff--if you're the one paying the bills -- she can't survive on her own

[Ugly_Swan]

I guess you need to start being more assertive, more cold, withdrawn, etc.

If you keep unconditionally loving her without her appreciation, she ill take advantage of it.

Stop being her slave. And ffs cut off the credit cards! If she is acting like a spoiled child--treat her like one!

[lonewulf2572]

I don't know. She didn't used to be like this. Your heart makes the rest of the senses blind sometimes. I fell in love hard a quick, maybe my eyes weren't open wide enough in the beginning. I don't know. I just know the thought of not having her in my life is devastating to me. I keep hoping this is just a phase, a hard patch, a stressful time and she's dealing with it badly. But my head keeps asking that same question, but my heart keeps saying I love her.

[lonewulf2572]

the cards are mine, my name and my use only, she has one in her name and keeps it paid off, thats where her paycheck goes

[lonewulf2572]

She keeps saying she can just move in with her mom or dad if she leaves. I've talked with them extensively and they both support me, say that won't happen. But I can't expect them to go against their own daughter and grandkids. It's not right. I probably know the answer, and your probably right, call her bluff. But I've tried disconnecting some and it just makes things worse.

[lonewulf2572]

I know I'm in a mess and I have to be the one to clean it up. But geesh. I'm a hardworking, God-fearing, responsible, caring, and honest guy. What did I do to deserve this?

[Ugly_Swan]

I can understand that, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Have you reflected WHY you love her? Maybe you just wanna avoid being lonely--so you can't bear the thought of her leaving you. And maybe you are still seeing her for the angel she "was", instead of realizing that she was never an angel to begin with -- just a wolf trying to get you to support her by putting on sheep's clothing.

What is there to love? (I understand that you are by now attached to her because of biological chemistry and mental habit--but you can slowly "Unlove" her by reprogramming your thinking, etc.)

Also -- she can't have her cake and eat it, too. If she claims you're not their father, then next time she expects you to get them something, just state "why should I? I'm not their father".

People get treated the way they allow themselves to be--unless you set boundaries, she will keep taking advantage of you.

[Ugly_Swan]

I know I'm in a mess and I have to be the one to clean it up. But geesh. I'm a hardworking, God-fearing, responsible, caring, and honest guy. What did I do to deserve this?

Just because you're a wonderful guy doesn't mean others will treat you well, unfortunately. You gotta add "I have boundaries" to that list. People are inherently selfish (esp. ones that are not good people themselves, aka your wife), so they'll take advantage when they can.

As if your wife is that great? She has the baggage of four kids! four! If she is so unhappy with you, tell her to gtfo and see whether anyone else wants her. (lol I know you won't have the courage to say that to her soon--just trying to get you riled up to think of yourself better and to stop putting her on a pedestal--stop feeling like you need her approval--if anything, she needs YOURS as you're the one who is keeping her safe/secure/etc.)

[lonewulf2572]

I know what your saying. I've told myself this many times. And yes, I don't want to be lonely. But thats not it. When she's not yelling the sound of her voice is what I want in my ear. Being next to her alone is the most content I've ever been. I miss talking to her when we can't. When my phone rings and it's her, I smile. On the rare occasion anymore when she does reach over and grab my hand a warm feeling passes over me. I get so sad when we fight cause of what we used to be like. I can't explain love, it's just there. And she knows that I will never turn away anything those kids need, it's not their fault she's become what she is at present. But you are right, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries....

[lonewulf2572]

And I was brought up/raised old school. You took care of others, treated folks the way you wanted to be treated, be kind, considerate, loving, responsible, unselfish. I still believe in the outdated concept of chivalry. So it's tough to change myself in to this cold hearted person everyone says I need to be.

[Ugly_Swan]

And I was brought up/raised old school. You took care of others, treated folks the way you wanted to be treated, be kind, considerate, loving, responsible, unselfish. I still believe in the outdated concept of chivalry. So it's tough to change myself in to this cold hearted person everyone says I need to be.

Knights fight for ladies and princesses. Not wretches in the shape of a woman. Unless there is a reason for her acting this way (like if she has borderline personality disorder or something and thus needs therapy), then she is not the type of girl that would receive chivalry in a story.

UPDATE: But actually, that makes me realise--I don't know everything and don't know both sides of the story. Plus you say she IS nice sometimes, so I don't even know the ratio of nice to bad or is her behaviour is justified, etc.

I'm taking an extreme position on this, but it's because of what I got out of your OP--maybe it's not as black and white

[lonewulf2572]

She is mildly bi-polar. But she is on meds for this and sees a dr. regularly

[Ugly_Swan]

She is mildly bi-polar. But she is on meds for this and sees a dr. regularly

AHHHHHHHHHHHH kay, that was the missing link.

See....meds are a temporary bandaid and don't fix the real issue. I'm not very knowledgeable on bi-polar, so I can't say what the root cause is (I'm not into blaming it on brain chemistry--I believe most disorders come from improper upbringing/bad life experiences/bad thought patterns/etc. ).

Regardless--you can still set boundaries without leaving her or being cold hearted.

Have you ever confronted her about how you feel? Or do you just talk about it to others? Because she may not even realize she is being such a bitch. And if she does, she needs to see why that's wrong and to understand that even if she is loved, there are still consequences to her actions.