I depend too much on my boyfriend for my happiness and self-esteem. What should I do?

[littlesuperstar]

Here’s the problem.
I hope you guys will understand.
I think I’m depending too much on my boyfriend for my happiness and for my self-esteem.
Because every time I am with him, I feel like the happiest girl. I feel like the luckiest girl. But when he’s not around, I feel sad. I feel so needy of his attention. I feel that I miss him so much. My depression and mind comes into overdrive and all I think of is him. I honestly want him to feel the same way. I want me to be the reason for his happiness.
What’s worse is that when he’s not with me, when he’s out with his friends or family, I suffer from thinking that he’s having fun without me. That he’s happy with someone else and that I’m not even crossing his mind. I know that it is so selfish of me but sometimes I wish for him to have a miserable time without me.
I am sorry. I am very aware that this is very unhealthy. I know this will just push him away. I don’t want to be too clingy. But I can’t help myself. It’s killing me.
You know what? I wasn’t like this before. People know me to be a very cheerful girl. Yes, I have a lot of problems but I was very optimistic that whatever comes my way, I can overcome. My friends do not notice it when I’m sad because sometimes I keep my problems to myself and I only share them when I can’t help it. I was very happy. Even after I met him. Even when he started courting me. That’s when I was the happiest. But things got complicated. We fought for several times mostly because of my attitude and my negativities. I told him all my problems. I told him what’s bothering me. That I have a really low self esteem. That I don’t think I have worth.
Here’s why. I’m not sure if I should tell this but I think I have to for you guys to understand. I was sexually abused as a child. Nobody else knows that except him. My father hurt my mother and they got separated when I was 2 years old. My brother physically hurt me when I was as young as 15 years old. I’ve been emotionally hurt many times by my ex boyfriends cheating on me although I know I have been a playgirl myself before. Those are too much burden on my shoulders. It is hard for me to trust someone. It’s eating me up inside. I want to trust him but I can’t avoid my paranoia. Really, what is wrong with me? I don’t know what’s happening to me. All I know is that, this is not me.
Sometimes I envy him. I am insecure because I feel like he has a life and I don't. He has a family which he can always talk to and make him happy. He has enough money to do or buy things that he wants. And I don't.
Sometimes when we fight, he tells me that he is sick of all our fights and me being paranoid but at the end of the day, he tells me that everything is going to be okay. That he will help me forget my horrifying past, that he will always be there for me, that he will treat me as a princess,that he will never leave me, that I have to trust him because he will never hurt me and that he loves me so much.
People tell me I should focus on myself. Give myself some alone time, find hobbies or go out with friends. Or simply find my happiness within me.
I have a lot of friends. But most of them are too busy with their own lives. I don’t want to be too desperate to call them during my time of need or only when I’m bored and I have nothing else to do.
I have hobbies too. I sing, play guitar, make covers on youtube. I was a member of a dance crew but I left the group because of a lot of reasons and one of them is him.
Sometimes I think maybe because he is not giving me the enough attention that I need, that maybe he doesn’t make me feel beautiful or he doesn’t bring out the best in me, but I don’t want to blame him. The problem is me and not him. I really love him so much. I don’t want to put our relationship at stake. I don’t want him to suffer because of me. I am in desperate need of your help. Thank you so much!

[searock]

How old are you? Are you in school and/or working? Have you considered getting professional help to help you reach independency and happiness?

[littlesuperstar]

I am currently 21 years old. I am not working because I am still in college. I don't know where to get professional help especially if it involves money.

[littlesuperstar]

Another thing, I feel like I am out of his league. He says I am attractive, pretty and all that. He says every guy would be lucky to have me as a girlfriend but I can't convince myself to believe him. I think he is very attractive. And I think I am not. I think that there are other girls out there better for him and I am afraid that I cannot be that girl, that when he meets her, he will leave me. But I want to be that girl. I want to be with him because he makes me happy. I want to be happy when I am with him and when I am not with him.

[Maple1714]

First of all, I am sorry you are having all these negative thoughts/feelings about yourself. It's hard for some people who suffer from depression to learn self love. I am not a doctor, but I have some personal experience with the same feelings you describe above...and I believe they stem from a low grade depression. It's chemical and all in your head. You are brave to admit to yourself all the things that you wrote above. It takes courage to have self reflection, which I think is the first step in fixing these issues you have with your self image...your self esteem.

Self love is such an important part of overall happiness. Does your school offer free counseling? They must offer some kind of help to students? Look into talking with a professional or really dig deep into researching how to gain more self esteem/self love on your own. Read some books...The Four Agreements is a good one. You can't rely on anyone else to make you happy...it has to come from within. Every time you have feelings of self doubt/anxiety...tell yourself to stop...say it out loud if you have to. Tell yourself that you are special, unique, smart, pretty...write out a list of all your good qualities. Be easy on yourself. Really work on yourself self image.