Need advice -Womans point of view

[SteveH0000]

Hi

I am confused to say the least. I have had a fair few relationships in the past so not a newbie to this but really have no idea where this girl is going.

In short, I recently, about 3 months ago, started having serious feelings towards a girl who I work with. As I know we get on at a personal level I thought I would try and take this to the dating level as I am seriously into her in a big way. In fact she has become one of the most important people in life.

So we start dating which she quite happily agreed to. One the first date, which was a causal bar as I didnt want to make too much of it and scare her off. every time I put my arm around her or touched her she froze. Not a good sign. In the taxi home she sat as far apart as she could get without climbing in with driver, danger signs I thought she really isnt going for this. Then when I dropped her off, she kisses me!. Ok maybe I came on too strong on the first date - or thats what I convinced myself of.

so asked her out again, and she said yes. decided this time to do a restaurant, ease off on the pressure and see where we went. This time causal touching just got a small smile. Add in that she decides she likes my food and starts asking me to taste hers, I thought OK maybe she is into me after all . Then out of nowhere she describes the ideal guy she wants to end up with. The exact opposite of me in terms of age, baggage etc. Ok that threw me. On the way out the restaurant again tried to hold her and she backed off totally, going in for a goodnight kiss and I get the cheek in a very distant manner. So totally confused again.

Decided to go for a third date(or at least try). this time she invites her friend along.... I got the distinct impression her friend most more interested in me than her, no idea what was going on really - was she trying to set me up?

Finally think to myself have to sort this and ask if we can just talk about what she thought was going on. Bottom line she just wants to stay friends everything else she said just didnt make any sense. Fair enough, suck it in get over it I tell myself.

Now its the new year, she has invited herself to every social event I have been too, she keeps wanting to hold hands, in a causal way, and the latest group event she ends up staying on with me, sharing my bar food and at the end gives a long hug with her head on my shoulder.

what on earth is going through her head...is she starting to want to get this back together...is it a wind up...is she plain nuts

I will add she knows how I feel about her and always has


Any ideas/ comments welcome as have tried talking to the guys about this but their comments are really not very helpful (as you can probably guess)

I am asking this mainly as she has arranged her work plans to coincide with mine for the next month so we are going to be at the same hotels/conferences on and off for the next month and I am really not sure what I am supposed to be doing next with. Try again/keep it professional or what..If there is any chance with her I want to take it but I dont want to ruin our friendship by overstepping the mark

Thanks everyone

[smackie9]

Just be honest with her...tell her you accept this as a friendship, but her behavior towards you not appropriate for "just being friends". In any relationship, you have to set boundaries.

Basically what she is doing is being possessive and not sexually attracted to you. She puts on the act to deter other females, which I think is bull shit. She only want you to give her attention, even tho she isn't interested in putting out. Instead throws a bone out at you to keep you close. Don't get caught up in this. That is why I suggest setting things straight with her, don't let her control you. I bet money on it if you found someone to date she will try to sabotage it. Be careful with this one.

Yes she is nuts.

[SteveH0000]

Thanks smackie9 - hadnt thought of it that way - that helps and also explains a few other issues that I had noticed.

[bradchin]

Yes she is nuts.

Agreed... This girl has some serious issues. In the long run I'm sure you don't see yourself having a serious relationship with her. Don't waste your time dude.

[rayna]

Sounds like she's confused. Or maybe her definition of being friends means "friends" ...you know, the kind with benefits?

[smackie9]

That's the problem....she ain't putting out either.

[SteveH0000]

Thanks everyone - Its good to get some different opinions (thats different from the guys at work that is). I am sure I will find out this next week whats really going on in her head as I have to spend a week with her at various conferences/hotels and shes now decided shes going to join me in the car to drive to all these locations.. god help me.

As for wanting a real relationship with her - afraid I would jump at it -I know pathetic on my part but these things happen. As far as friends with benefits goes, I dont think so, have had a couple of those setups in the past and this isnt following the same path, still who knows

[Lord Darkshire]

What were the guys perspective at work?

[Wakeup]

Why would you want to hang out with her as a platonic friend when you actually say this girl has become a big part of your life and you wanted to date her? Why don't you just tell her that you have enough friends and if she's not interested in dating then see ya later, aligator?

I do not for the life of me understand why young people today want to have opposite sex friendships with people they actually want a sexual/romantic relationship with. Talk about masocism.. JHC.

Keep your distance from her and don't allow her to make you her best MALE GIRLFRIEND.

[smackie9]

Because he is one of those who thinks if they stick it out long enough the girl will fall for them....until the day he finds out she met this real cute guy. Needless desperation.

[SteveH0000]

To answer wakeup's comment, I have to work with her daily, so its very difficult to avoid her and a fair bit of work takes us into social group outings for business. This is why in away I was glad when she put me firmly into the friendzone before christmas. Its just her actions after that point have left me in this weird place of not really being sure what she wants.

I think overall I just want closure one way or the other and I probably am going to push this next week as at one point I have 7 hours in the car with her.,

As for sticking with etc in hope, I dont think smackie is totally wrong , there is a bit of that going on, but I think I know this isnt going to work in the end, its just this is the first time in a long while that I have had feelings this intense. I suppose I am just trying to make sure if there is a chance it could work that I dont miss it.

As for the guys in the office, it all seems to be the same comments - they reckon she is trying to see how much I actually want her - how far I will go to get her. I have asked them about am I misreading her signals and they all say no - they actually started running a book when this all started as to how long it would be before we got hitched.... Although none of them understand why I am so into her

[Wakeup]

You know, you are in control of this. You don't have to be rude but you can put the breaks on her bullshit quite nicely without offending. Just Don't let her do romantic things with you if all she wants is friendship. Would you let your guy friend hug you or put his head on your shoulder? Would you pay for his drinks/dinner everytime you're out tobgether? Would you hold his hand? Gaze into his eyes like she's trying to do with you? A big NO.. I'd hope so don't let your female friend do any of that either.

Get my drift? Don't let her use you for her emotional tampon either. You sound far too much like a good catch to waste your time being some dumb broads male GIRLFRIEND. I'd tell my own son not to let any girl play him like she is TRYING to play you with confusing signals and other game playing and mind fking.

[SteveH0000]

Thanks Wakeup - comments much appreciated. One way or the other I will get this sorted next week - you are right I have to take control of my situation this cant go on as it is really messing with my head.

Will post an update end of the week

[Wakeup]

Well done, Steve. Do keep us updated.

[SteveH0000]

Not a happy ending to this. usual routine from her, late night drinks in the hotel bar, very intimate conversation lots of casual touching. So I put it very bluntly, heres my room card key, either pick it up or stop this stupid game. She stormed off and basically only speaks to me when she has to .

It seems however I now am the talk of the office for coming on to her. Oh well live and learn I suppose. Sad really thought she was the one.

Thanks everyone for helping me focus on this, I suspect I would still be dithering without the prompting on here