Help! Bestfriend turned boyfriend, but doesn't want to be intimate. What's goin' on?

[Mistyme]

Hi my best mate of 10 years and I got together as a real couple. Everything's great except in the intimacy part. Aside from the usual goodnight kiss, well, that's just it. Tried to talk to him about it, he just said to take things slow and wait (no idea for what) It's been more than a year now, and things are still pretty slow in the intimacy part. (Everything's pretty much the same as day 1) I'm not the first girl he's been with, so this is really confusing for me. Need a guy's advise for this. Help please?

[Cerby]

Yea, if a girl made me wait for a year with no good reason, that year would be about a month and I'd be gone. Clearly there is something that isn't right, or he is getting it somewhere else.

Either way, this clearly isn't working, be nice, tell him your needs aren't met, then go out and ride some random guy to get all the sexual energy out, then find someone new to date.

[InYourFACE]

[QUOTE=Mistyme;832832 Tried to talk to him about it, he just said to take things slow and wait (no idea for what)[/QUOTE]


That means there was no conversation only you nagging maybe,
cause if it was a real and serious conversation you would ask him wait for what? and make shore
you get your answers.

and also if you are not married, sex should not be part of it. and how 10 years and no marriage?


For me its clear. but if you dont see it. have one more real conversation with him and make shore you get your answers.

[Cerby]

That means there was no conversation only you nagging maybe,
cause if it was a real and serious conversation you would ask him wait for what? and make shore
you get your answers.

and also if you are not married, sex should not be part of it. and how 10 years and no marriage?


For me its clear. but if you dont see it. have one more real conversation with him and make shore you get your answers.

Cheekxs, no one here follows the "Save yourself for marriage" ideology here. I assumed you would have learned that by now.

[Maple1714]

go out and ride some random guy to get all the sexual energy out, then find someone new to date.

Lol. This made me laugh.

OP - Is he gay? What guy is "best friends" with a girl for 10 years with no sex in the first place...I am sorry but I honestly think he is gay...which is fine, but he needs to stop wasting your time.

[searock]

What guy is "best friends" with a girl for 10 years with no sex in the first place...

A guy who is in a happy relationship with another woman for example.

Anyway, in this case, either he has some serious issues regarding sexual intimacy, or yes, he might be gay. OP, why are you still with him after an year of no sex whatsoever? Have you ever initiated? Does he get an erection when you make out?

[Maple1714]

A guy who is in a happy relationship with another woman for example.

Then he wouldn't be "best friends" with another girl. I know you and I have different views on this topic though...

[searock]

Then he wouldn't be "best friends" with another girl. I know you and I have different views on this topic though...

We do ;-).

[Mistyme]

A guy who is in a happy relationship with another woman for example.

Anyway, in this case, either he has some serious issues regarding sexual intimacy, or yes, he might be gay. OP, why are you still with him after an year of no sex whatsoever? Have you ever initiated? Does he get an erection when you make out?

First of all thanks for all your posts, I got a number of affirmations and some new perspectives. For your question, #1 it's cliché but it's just simple 'I love him' thing. We've been friends 10 years and 1 yr out of 10 is, well I guess I'm just trying to be more understanding and patient given that we've known each other for a long time. #2 Yes, during the first few weeks. He said we were moving too fast, I haven't tried again coz basically i was quite hurt and a little bit embarassed. Tried to set up dates and moments that could lead to that but it doesn't happen. #3 Yes. Though not quite sure, I wasn't brave enough to have a 'feel' or check. By the way, if he's straight (which I know he is it's just, I'm ready to be open to any possibility at this point coz I really dunno what's going on), if he is straight, then maybe it is in this department which I think there may be a problem. He hasn't mention it being a problem with any of his previous gfs or flings. (We're best buds so we have talked about things that happened between the sheets before)

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, maybe he can't get past seeing me as his bestfriend which he did allude to when I tried to talk to him then (he said something about 'respect' and 'it's different with me coz we knew each other for a long time before this' and all that crap). I've also read somewhere that when guys fall in love they become more nervous and shy, but for girls, it's different, we become bolder and more comfortable with the one we love (just trying different angles here).


There's also an issue of attraction, this is actually my #1 consideration and also the reason for my distress. It doesnt exactly help my ego when my own boyfriend doesn't want to do more than the usual good night kiss. Since I don't have a picture here, i could just say, i currently do have other suitors than him, and with my previous bfs and dates, it was me who had to draw the line. Maybe I'm not his type? But if that is the case, why did he want to be more than friends in the first place?

[Mistyme]

Lol. This made me laugh.

OP - Is he gay? What guy is "best friends" with a girl for 10 years with no sex in the first place...I am sorry but I honestly think he is gay...which is fine, but he needs to stop wasting your time.

Believe me, I already considered this. Each of us had our own relationships before. As far as I know, he only dated girls. I guess it would be less painful for me if he was gay. At least I'll get a new bff...

[searock]

I think it's time you two have a serious talk... tell him that you think sexual intimacy is a very important part of a healthy relationship, and you won't be able to stay without it much longer. You've waited long enough, so either he gets over his fears and finally has sex with you, or at least gives you a reasonable explanation (like he has a medical issue or something), or you will leave.

[Maple1714]

He must have some intimacy issues...such a hard situation b/c you both are such close friends. That should make it easier? I think maybe you should try to break the ice...wear something sexy and just jump him. If you 2 can't make it work in this department then the relationship will fail. Maybe he really isn't as physically attracted to you as he wants to be? Maybe he is just really emotionally comfortable with you and he thought that was enough to have a romantic relationship?

This is why it's hard to be "just friends" with a man...b/c the lines of intimacy and attraction get all jumbled up. Most men almost always consider their female best friend for romantic relationship material at some point. Whether it works out in the long run or not...well you just have to try. Maybe that is what's happening here? He is trying to force the relationship b/c you guys are so close in every other aspect, but sexually it just doesn't work....

[Mistyme]

Thanks searock , so you think all this talk about 'taking it slow(er)' is very very unusual for a guy? Actually that's exactly what I plan to do next (although playing it in my head now, it will sound a little bit vulgar but hugely funny in a weird way) I just need more guy points of view, coz one thing I learned, anything is possible with you guys, no matter how strange it is. Thanks again.

[Maple1714]

coz one thing I learned, anything is possible with you guys, no matter how strange it is. Thanks again.

This is true! Men tend to change their minds a lot easier or have a "change of heart" easier....I don't know men are so strange! Just when you think you have them all figured out...Bam ya don't lol! Good luck!

[Mistyme]

He must have some intimacy issues...such a hard situation b/c you both are such close friends. That should make it easier? I think maybe you should try to break the ice...wear something sexy and just jump him. If you 2 can't make it work in this department then the relationship will fail. Maybe he really isn't as physically attracted to you as he wants to be? Maybe he is just really emotionally comfortable with you and he thought that was enough to have a romantic relationship?

Thanks maple1714 yeah, he does have some of those issues with his previous gfs, but I haven't heard any when it comes to the bedroom. Unfortunately I already did that 'jumping' thing but nope, didn't happen. It was when we just got together as a new couple, that's also when he gave me the 'too fast' speech. I didn't try again tho after that. Too embarrassed to try again.