Nearly 1 year, living together but having problems

[kenman2626]

Need some advise if at all possible, I feel deeply trapped. I am currently in my first relationship which is coming up to be 1 year long, we are both in our early 30's and moved in together recently.

It's a very loving relationship, I love her dearly and never want to hurt her but I do again and again. There are a few issues that cause this,

- I am grumpy from time to time
- I don't open up
- There are times where I let her do most of the talking
- I'm bad at making her feel better

Now, I wish it was as simple as that as those are easy problems to address but lets go over them.

- I am grumpy from time to time

I really don't feel that I am at all. I never show anger or mumble etc. It seems like that because there are times that I have simply run out of things to say which indeed my own problem which I'll go into more detail later.

- I don't open up

I do open up and have told her all my darkest and happiest experiences. The problem is that she expects this all the time, perhaps that's to be expected but sometimes I just can't think up anything deep to offer her.

- There are times where I let her do most of the talking

Sometimes I genuinely find that I have nothing new to talk about, if we've spent a few happy days together I've told her all my news and feel that I have nothing left as it seems like I've told her everything about my life. So what I do is end up talking about a topic close to her. I actually read up on the topic day to day so I have something to discuss but it usually ends up with me asking questions and her spending ages explaining them to me as I'm mostly clueless. A more recent idea I've had is to write down any interesting things that happen to me during the day, any news from friends/family/coworkers etc and bring them into conversation in our evenings together. It helps but I eventually always run out.



- I'm bad at making her feel better

Multiple times a week she'll get really upset about our relationship, this can be the same day she tells me how much she loves me, how happy I make her and seeks confirmation that I want to spend my entire life with her. The usual issues she brings up is that I've been grumpy or not provided stimulating conversation. Pains me to write that as it makes me seem like I don't even try but I really do to the point where I now force myself to seem extra happy such as jumping up/down when I walk through the door or over express my laughs just to avoid coming across as grumpy. I love being with her, I'm never actually grumpy but from time to time I appear mellow and cool but that's more my personality. I'm really trying to change though. When she gets upset she'll usually end up crying on the couch. Here is usually what happens...

1) I go to the couch, ask her what the matter is if I don't know. She'll explain.
2) I give a heart felt apology, try and understand how it makes her feel and communicate that with her.
3) Run out of things to say. Hug her or tell her I love her which is rejected. Silence.
4) She hates me being silent for longer than 10 seconds, this frustrates her more
5) I get close to hug her, say I love her and how great she is etc but says I've already done that and gets more frustrated.
6) Offer to make a cup of tea, run bath or provide massage etc but is always rejected this early on in these scenarios.
7) At this point I really have nothing to say and repetition/silence just makes her more frustrated. Panic. Panic. What do I do? The more I think about this the worse it's getting.
8) At this point she realizes I'm having trouble and usually demands that I should be opening up and telling her what the real problem is.
9) At this point in my mind I have opened up, I've addressed the issue. I spend time thinking of something deep to tell her that justifies as opening up.
10) Because I'm taking to long to think of such a thing she thinks I'm hiding something or refusing to open up. Gets more frustrated.
11) I practically make up something or bring up something from the past. Anything that can vaguely relate to the issue and makes me seem like I'm opening up, I think of something depressing and cry myself
12) She'll usually respond to this, start a hug. Now I have permission to hug her and say how much I love her. Things are not revolved but we can finally go to bed (usually late which makes her frustrated also.
13) Morning. I try to be happy but things are still awkward. We sort of go back to the start almost only now she's under pressure as she has to be ready to work within the hour and there are two cats causing disturbances and getting her more frustrated. Often crying can start again which frustrates her more as shes about to leave for work, I often tell her to get a taxi and pay for it myself. We're usually able to part on at least hug/love you terms.
14) As the day goes on she'll send me messages telling me how great I am and how much she loves me. I do the same and we are usually glad to see each other and are able to put it behind us.
15) This only lasts between 1-3 days usually and then repeats

Wow, weird writing that out. There is defiantly a routine going on, just wish I could understand how to resolve it quicker!

I'm just really stuck, besides all of this we often express how much we love each other to each other. We both really do love each other but at the moment it feels like I'm spending 20-40 hours resolving these issues. I know this problem is a bit messy, can anyone please make any sense of it at all?

[Wakeup]

Welcome to the rest of your life.

Her saying jump and you asking "how high?"

You're not her dancing monkey who was put on this earth to entertain her. Perhaps you should suggest she get a hobby, see her girlfriends for some girl activities, or be more conversationally stimulating herself so that you can contribute to her topic rather than her expecting you to "open up." WTH?

You may love one another but it certainly takes more than mere love to keep a relationship happy, healthy, and together. You are who you are yet you try to change your entire personality when it's so much easier to find a love that likes you the way you are.

You may want to think about getting your own hobbies or joining a sports team or even taking a night class so that you'll have something to talk about
with Ms. Hoops. You'll be relying on her less to make you happy if you have interests beyond her.. and vis versa.

[vashti]

I think you should tell her that her constant need for you to be acting like someone else (one of her girlfriends?) is beginning to become emotionally exhausting.

The thing is, many women don't realize how much difference there is between the way a woman thinks, and the way a man thinks, until they have male children. Men are really quite a bit more simple (and I don't mean that in a disrespectful way).

[jetta86s]

Since you have pointed out your problem, perhaps its time for you to talk to her about it. I know its not that easy but you have to if you dont want to loose her. If you can, list down all of the things you wanted to tell her, or perhaps make a letter and let her read in front of you.

[IndiReloaded]

You mention hurting her 'again and again'. Is this a real emotional hurt, or not?

You say you are 'grumpy', but this alone shouldn't be hurtful. People feel all sorts of things. Question is: how do you act on these feelings? Are you rude, do you snap at her?

If yes, then you need to learn ways to express yourself that aren't hurtful. Don't suppress your feelings, but do tell her you are feeling them, and what you would like (to be left alone for 30min or an hour?). That kind of thing. Communicate. If you aren't comfortable with this, you might want to consider some counselling to figure out why (its often a trust issue.

This is just my best guess, based on your post info. Any help?

[Boisdevie]

I agree with most of the above. My own comment would be on the communication thing. If the communication is not flowing then you have a problem. And feeling it necessary to read up on some kind of topic as a way of having a conversation strikes me as being really sad.
I do not think your relationship is going anywhere to be honest.

So often on this forum we have posts which seem to follow this format: Hi, my relationship is perfect, we love each other. EXCEPT for all the big important stuff that isn't working in our relationship.
Communicate with her and don't be prepared to accept a poor relationship over no relationship. Life is too short.

[kenman2626]

Thanks all!

I 99% never snap at her or am rude, it's more that my silences from time to time come across as grumpy. Last night I made her dinner, we talked for about 3 hours and we really made up. I really believed I had fixed things. I explained to her that I find it difficult to open up when there are distractions such as cats, actually the cats were asleep on the couch for a long time and I was just able to talk. I pointed this out to her, that this relaxes me and really helps me to communicate. I went to the gym downstairs, came back and watched a tv show with her and we went to bed really happy...

Then we woke up, I had this unique weird dream that was just bizarre. It was me playing a videogame and just going down endless tunnels killing generic person after person. We woke up and really hugged passionately and express our love to each other, I had nothing else to say so explained this dream to her and she wasn't really responsive and went to have breakfast. Then I felt bad, that I had nothing else meaningful to say. So I sat next to her, expressing that I was excited about going to work (which I was) but it seemed a bit unnatural I think so then she is asking her most asked question "Are you ok?". I explain the dream again and that I've woke up in a weird mood that I can't explain and she starts to break down again and begs me to open up. Then she brings up the biggest mistake I made (she expresses it as her saddest moment of the relationship) during the first month of our relationship where I was at a drawing club and told her I'm drawing 2 women dressed as a wolf and sheep, I also posted it on facebook (the models gave permission) which was stupid and immature of me. I took it down straight away and have apologized and talked about this many times. She sees that the club objectifies women which I now can see but didn't back then, I've not been since but the problem is my friend who organizes that club is someone I hang out with from time to time. So this morning I told her I was excited about going drinking with my friends and it just brought up these memories as she knows one of the friends would be the same guy who organizes this club. Tears were had and we had to leave things really unresolved.

It's just so frustrating, spending hours fixing things only for them to so easily fall apart again very quickly.

[vashti]

She sounds quite manipulative, and entirely exhausting. Unload her.

[Wakeup]

kenman: She's high maintenance fluff and you could probably have conversations/communication with her until you were blue in the face and she'll just raise that hoop she wants you to jump through higher.

If you stay with this one, as I said earlier: Welcome to the rest of you life!

[Hat Trick]

This will happen. At the end of the day relationships are not always happy and you will face these issues.

I wrote these tips on another forum. Maybe they will help;

- When you get together you ignore the annoying things, however it will not stay like that. Sit down and talk about what annoys you with them.
- Spend time together.
- Comfort them will help, if they are sad just give them a hug and let them know you are there for them
- Surprise them with gifts and trips round to there house.
- If they are annoyed or angry at you then give them some space.
- Know that you are both entitled to opinions.
- Be kind, caring and support them.
- Listen to them and act interested. Let them talk.
- Smile and be happy in front of them. Relax.
- Kiss them gently, it does not always have to lead to more.
- Communicate. Talk to them when you see them.
- Ask them how they are.
- Make them feel good by calling them beautiful.
- Mess around with them and act young.
- Admit you are wrong when you argue.
- Be yourself not someone else.

[IndiReloaded]

Okay, she is looking for drama where there need be done. I agree with Vash & Wakeup, you could communicate like AT&T and still not make her happy. High maintenance.

Silences are natural (hell, they are welcome at my age). She needs to find another outlet for her boredom besides you. Ask her, nicely, to do this.