I'm torned up inside when it comes to my girlfriend

[BeneathTheSun]

Well, this is my story. And I apologize because it’s fairly long and English is not my first language so bear with me. You can skip till the end if you only want to read my questions.

I’ve begun to question my relationship with my current girlfriend. But I don’t like it when people give me the advice to break up, I think you’ll have to go through rough times no matter who you’re with so I was hoping to find another solution, but I don’t really know so that’s why I’m writing this down.

My romantic escapades begun 6 years ago, I’d been dreaming of getting a girlfriend since I learned that boys and girls could be boyfriend and girlfriends. When it finally happened it was the best thing ever in my opinion, I was happier than I ever thought possible and that relationship was great, at first, but then a sudden separation started. She was really in to me at first but then she started to gravitate towards another guy and I started to become jealous and it led to our break up and the beginning of their relationship. I was devastated and I stayed devastated for a very long time.

I took several years between that relationship and my current one. And during these years I’ve gone on over 50 dates and slept with more than a twelve girls. I’m telling you this because I want to point out that I’ve “played the field”.
Nevertheless I got another girlfriend and this was major for me, because I didn’t fall in love with any girl during the years between my relationships, and the once I really liked they didn’t like me back. And my second relationship felt great at first, it was really amazing and I thought that I had finally found someone better than my ex.

Well, my second relationship only lasted five months and we argued a lot after like two months. When I think back on it I realized that I tried to change her into something that was more like me. This made her loose feelings for me and she terminated the relationship with a text message.

When I told this to my friends they said: “Good riddance” because they never thought we were such a good match. But they hadn’t been in the relationship so I didn’t really listen to that. Because I didn’t complain about the relationship while I was in it, but when it ended I found several reasons why that was the best thing for me.

I lost contact with my second girlfriend, I called her twice when the breakup was fairly new and I regretted that instantly. After that everything went quiet. Then out of the blue a month after the break-up she contacts me and she spills her heart out. She have been thinking about me a lot, she had been missing me, regretting that she broke up with me and she asked me what my thoughts were about trying again.

And this is where my question really comes in. I can say to you all that I’m already back in a new relationship with her but I don’t know if I’m in it for the right reasons or not. When I think about being single, I think about the years I’ve spent in between my relationship and this a very miserable time in my life because I didn’t enjoy “the freedom” and I eventually had to break off contact with all the girls that I used to sleep with because it made me sad afterwards.

Perhaps I could eventually find a girlfriend that fits me better than my current one, but isn’t that the fact no matter who you are with? We can’t really talk about everything that I want to talk about because frankly I’m a bit smarter than she is. But we can laugh and have fun and I thought that I could talk to other people about philosophy for example and that she didn’t have to cover everything. Is that wrong?

Now when we are back together I’ve started to question it again. When I didn’t have her, she was all I ever wanted, now that I have her I remember the things that made us break up in the first place. I don’t want to but I can’t help but feel superior to her… I’ve finished college, she didn’t even attend, I’ve a job, she is unemployed, I’m often told that I’m very smart, she thinks of herself as “below average” and this list goes on. But I’ve always thought that she makes me feel good, I feel better with her than without her, I don’t want to go back “on the prowl”, I don’t want to talk to strangers at bars or clubs, I want to have a girlfriend, it’s my natural environment.

But then again, am I skipping to the end without reading the entire book in your opinion? Is it enough that she makes me feel good? Or should I expect everything from her? Like that she matches me intellectually and sexually. Can I create a future with this women that I perceive as not being as successful as myself?

When I write this I feel that I’m pointing you in the direction to make me break up with her but my heart doesn’t want that. Meeting someone new is not easy for me because I’m socially reserved when I’m sober.
Can I have a good meaningfull relationship with someone that’s different from me? But that truly loves me? That will not make nearly as much money?

I’m torned about this. Right now I feel that I’m still young and perhaps I will see in a year if this relationship is a keeper. I will still have time to recover sort of speak.

1. Can you have a relationship with someone that you perceive as less successful than yourself?
2. Should your partner be able to handle everything about you? Should it not bother me that we cant discuss deep things?
3. Is the fact that she makes me feel great enough? And that I was devastated when I lost her?
4. Am I more in love with the idea of a girlfriend than my actual girlfriend?

[twinrexes]

1. Can you have a relationship with someone that you perceive as less successful than yourself?
Sure! And remember, there are different kinds of success. She may have more social intelligence than you, since you say you have a hard time meeting people.

2. Should your partner be able to handle everything about you? Should it not bother me that we cant discuss deep things? Depends. Is it OK if you discuss those things with your philosophy friends, on forums and so on? As long as you have an outlet for those discussions, is that enough? (only you can answer.)

3. Is the fact that she makes me feel great enough? And that I was devastated when I lost her? Well, really no one can "make you" feel great. But if you feel great around her and were devestated without her, that means you have a nice strong connection with her.

4. Am I more in love with the idea of a girlfriend than my actual girlfriend?
Maybe. There's always an element of that in a relationship. Our romantic notions about love can be very compelling and real life rarely lives up to them. Which is what usually has us getting restless and wondering if there's something better. Sure, there's always something better or different. But I also believe that nearly every partner will bring some challenges to the table and there's no such thing as the one perfect person. What matters most is how well the two of you can work your way throught the conflicts and the low points in the relationship. As my grandfather used once said to a colleage with a wandering eye, "sure you can go out and find someone new, but sooner or later you'll have to put up with her crap too".

[reeba]

I just read about half of your post. Sorry, but I have a short attention span. But from what I read, YES you are more in love with the idea of having a girlfriend than your actual girlfriend.

First, being in a relationship is not a measure of your self worth. I know a person who is on her 4th marriage because she thinks being single makes her look like a failure. Funny thing is she has a very successful career.

Second, you can't find a good relationship while you are stuck in a bad relationship. Unless you want to cheat, you can't date while in a relationship. So how are you going to find that special relationship? Oh, and if you do cheat....usually you end up with someone who is also a low life.

[gigigi4]

i agree w/ twinrexes that there are different kinds of success and i think sometimes people get too stuck on finding an ideal "perfect" partner that fills every need in their life, understands everything about them magically without effort, etc. and to me, that's unrealistic and an obstacle to actually finding a meaningful relationship. your gf doesn't have to share all of your intellectual interests or have the same educational background for you to be happy and have a solid relationship. *however* there's a big difference between: 1. two people with different backgrounds/interests coming together & sharing mutual respect of differences, leaning from each other's different strengths in the relationship, etc. Versus 2. one person looking down on the other person as lesser, which seems to be what's going on with you and your gf. i'm not judging you about that, but i don't think it's something that you can ever get over...there will always be that element of you feeling that there's someone better and more your equal, and that you are better than her, which is not fair to her either.

[BeneathTheSun]

I agree with you all. I think you have valid points that I need to take into consideration.

I agree with twinrexes, it's a very optimistic point of view to this problem and I hope that it will work out.
I agree with you gigigi4 about your thought that "finding the perfect match" is an obstacle. And perhaps I don't belong with this women, time will probably sort that out.
and I agree with reba too, I would never cheat and I wouldn't even date sombody new in the first months of breaking up.

[BeneathTheSun]

I'd thought I would give you a quick update on what has happened with this entire ordeal. Well, I don't know if my insecurities robbed off or what happened but my GF phoned me and said she was still confused and thought we might have gotten back together too fast. I told her I agreed (since I had these conflicted oppinons about this situation) and we said we would think about this and make a decision later on whether or not we would continue.

Later that same day I realised that this can't be it. This can't be how my romantic life would play out. This was not some grand finale with an orchestra, no one would ever write a book about this and so forth. This was medioker at best and somewhat dissapointing. Later that night I phoned her and I said that: "I can't continue trying. I think we both deserve something other than this."

I don't know what brought this on but she called me later telling me that she was depressed and that she had hurt herself and taken an "overdose" so I rushed over there to make sure she was alright and I sat with her untill she was feeling fine again. She texted me later calling me "her hero" and we are on good terms again and we decided we will give friendship a try.

So all in all I think it worked out for the best. The relationship aspect is dead, but I still want to be there for her and now I can but I will still be able to pursuit my own forfilling relationship.