How Can I Help Myself?

[Confused Girl]

Hello,

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years. This is my first relationship and I'm 26. We met online in a chat room when I was back in high school. We didn't keep in touch, but he found my email address and we have been together ever since. We quickly got serious..he's a very sweet, romantic, genuine guy and I love him so much. I moved to CA from CO for him..well, not just for him. I always wanted to live in a big city while I'm young and eventually move back to CO to settle down, but it's been a big change. I feel like I am not as independent as I used to be, and I'm becoming "one of those girls" who's clingy. He does not go out much without me, and when he does it's usually biking, fishing, or surfing not the clubs or any party scene but I still get upset. I think there are variety of reasons for this. One I'm insecure, I get upset that sometimes he rather spend time with his brothers or friends than me. Another reason I think is because I don't have any close friends here so when he goes out I don't have any girlfriend to hang out with. Also, I feel like it's not fair he gets to hang out with whoever he wants when he wants, but I can't because they're not here. Third, I'm working and he gets to play whenever. The only reason we're not married is because he has no money, no degree, no job and I'm ready both financially and emotionally. He's just ready emotionally. So I feel like sometimes he puts off planning for our future and focused more on his hobbies. Well not as much now. Since I moved here I've been complaining about it, so he's dong a lot better about planning for our future like going back to school, looking for a job, etc. Lastly, I'm not the girly type so I rather go biking, hiking, anything outdoors than shopping or going to a spa and the girls around me are not like that, but I don't want to invite myself to his activities with the guys. I just want advice how to stop relying on him and getting upset. Relationship is one of the hardest thing especially when you're not used to it and you moved 1,000 mile away from home primarily for him. I know there are a lot of growing on my part, but I can't help feeling like I gave up much more than him....

[VincenzoG91]

Make some new friends who share your interests, maybe by joining a group or club. And to avoid smothering your guy, maybe you could also pick up a new hobby to keep busy. Excessive clingy behavior is probably pushing him away from you.

Your guy doesn't sound at all ready for marriage. He sounds like he's living a prolonged childhood, with you as his new mom. Help him figure out a plan for the future, like what he wants to be when he grows up. If he doesn't show much interest in a plan, you should seriously consider moving on.

[Confused Girl]

Thanks for your advice. It sounds like an excuse, well it is, but it's hard finding friends when you're in the working world. I never had to try to make friends it just happened naturally since I grew up in CO and I made friends at school. My bf really wants to get married, but he does not realize what he does and does not do in the present will affect our future. I don't want to be a mom and nag, and I don't...but once in awhile I blow up because things build up and I feel like I sacrificed so much and he does not feel the urgency to settle down. He's 30, living at home...which is fine....he regrets spending recklessly and not saving enough when he was younger, and I know he's a hard worker and intelligent. I just wish I don't have to tell him to do things..Instead I wish he has inner motivation so that he will keep moving. He listens to me whenever I encourage him to do something like going back to school, search for a job, focus less on hobbies for now, etc. So I guess it's better than not listening to me at all, but it's so much pressure on me. I feel like what I say or not say will make or break our future, and I feel like I need to be the man and take care of him. I'm homesick, had to adjust my finances since CA cost of living is so much more, etc....I want to be taken care of too...

[VincenzoG91]

At age 26, I decided to get a fresh start on my life. I moved from Indiana to Minnesota. I had a lot of friends back in Indiana, but hanging around them all the time made it hard for me to finish growing up. Once I moved, I started to make some breakthroughs, both in my career and my personal life. I still have those old friends, and I will be visiting them again in the fall, but I also made new friends here. I did it by reaching out to people and joining groups and networking through friends to make other friends. When I went to parties, I would work the room like a salesman, meeting lots of people and talking to them about whatever came up.

Your guy is 30, and he has no job, no money, no degree and still lives with his parents? His life is almost half over and he hasn't accomplished much yet. He isn't going to change until he wants to change, and it doesn't sound like he has any incentive, with you and his family and friends taking care of all his needs.

What if you moved back to Colorado, though maybe to a different part from where you grew up? Like if you're from Boulder, move to Denver. Either way, the cost of living is lower, and you could re-connect with your friends and family but keep a bit of distance, too. Then challenge him to follow you to Colorado to get a fresh start on his own life. I suspect that overly-familiar surroundings are leaving him stuck in old patterns and he will never amount to much if he stays where he is. And your long-term plan was always to return to Colorado anyway, so you're not giving up on your own dreams.

[Mish]

I think there are variety of reasons for this. One I'm insecure, I get upset that sometimes he rather spend time with his brothers or friends than me. Another reason I think is because I don't have any close friends here so when he goes out I don't have any girlfriend to hang out with. Also, I feel like it's not fair he gets to hang out with whoever he wants when he wants, but I can't because they're not here. Third, I'm working and he gets to play whenever.

It sounds to me like all of the above are interconnected. If you were to find some good new friends all of the issues here would most likely get resolved automatically. There are lots of place where you can make friends even in a new city. You can join social clubs or classes (e.g. weekly dancing classes) and then slowly find new people to hang around with. Worse comes to worst, there are always social meeting sites like meetup.com.