Am I communicating correctly?

[Kelsey777]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Our relationship has been up and down. He works 5 or 6 days a week, and on his day off rather than spending time with me, he spends most of the days doing favors for people. I think he has a great heart for doing so much for everyone...but it seems no matter what anyone asks him he says yes...yet he has no problem saying no to me. I tried talking calmly...telling him I would like more time for us and that maybe he could say no to others sometimes. Just sometimes.That didn't work, so I ended up getting mad. That didn't work either. I'm just sick of being the one who cares about stuff. Two days ago I bought him flowers, (I read men like getting flowers from women,) and his favorite candy. I always try to be romantic and do nice things for no reason...so What more can I do to put myself on the top of his to do list? I try talking to him, but its like I waste my breath.

[Alvy]

What line of work is he in? Maybe because you're always romantic and trying to be nice to him...he feels as if it doesn't matter what he does, you'll always be there. Instead of doing things for him, do the opposite. Try it for a few weeks, ignore him, say no to him. I'm not a fan of these 'mind games', (or flowers) but sometimes, being a bit mean is the only way you might catch his attention.

[Kelsey777]

you are probably right. I hate to say it, but I'm the clingy girlfriend. He likes clingy, makes him feel better about himself. Makes him feel important. I think that's why he's always doing favors for people, because he feels important. Haha I'd like to feel important for a change.
He works in construction, lots of physical labor.He's making good money now too, but another thing thats been getting to me is that the first two years we were together he was in between jobs. I'd buy him grocery orders, little thoughtful gifts, and I never asked for anything in return. Now Im low on cash and he makes me seem like a money grubbing gold digger if I ask him to pay for dinner.

[Alvy]

Dang...have you brought up that issue to him? It's these 'trivial' things that could potentially screw a relationship 5/10/15 years from now.

[Kelsey777]

I Brought them up to him again today. We ended up saying im gonna do a lot better you need to do better too etc. He had deep emotional problems from his father. He is one of 16 legitimite children by his father, so his father got around a lot. He has only two full blood siblings all the others are half. He's always trying to please his father and earn his love, by bending over backwards for him...but his father does very littlein return for him. He lived a very troubled life. He was a heroine addict, but was clean when I met him. I haven't had any drug issues with him he's been sober our whole relationship. I guess it bothers me that hes trying sooo hard to seek love...when he has love right here from me.

[Kelsey777]

Oh also what I noticed...our whole relationship he's idolized one musician...and plays only that music all the time. I literally have listened to the musician almost every day, every car ride. I think that shows his issues with a father, because he has such a fanatical taste for that musician. I'd call him out on it...but that would mean war.

[NBT]

I Brought them up to him again today. We ended up saying im gonna do a lot better you need to do better too etc. He had deep emotional problems from his father. He is one of 16 legitimite children by his father, so his father got around a lot. He has only two full blood siblings all the others are half. He's always trying to please his father and earn his love, by bending over backwards for him...but his father does very little in return for him. He lived a very troubled life. He was a heroine addict, but was clean when I met him. I haven't had any drug issues with him he's been sober our whole relationship. I guess it bothers me that hes trying sooo hard to seek love...when he has love right here from me.

Read that section in bold.

Now look at your situation with your boyfriend.

It's very similar, except the roles are reversed.

Do you know why that is?

It's because we always want to please those that don't seem to give a damn, HOPING that they eventually WILL.

The problem is, this RARELY WORKS.

Instead, it ends up causing us more pain and stress, all the while, wondering why we seem to get so little in return. (No consideration, appreciation, effort, etc.)

Perhaps you should ask him (and WAIT for an ANSWER this time, don't just "SAY" it) "Why is it that you can't seem to say no to anybody else, but it's so easy to say no to ME?"

If he tries to BS his way out of it with "Ohh Kelsey..." you don't let him. You say "No, Brad. I really want to know. Because it seems like the things THEY want, are more important to you than MY needs. I just want to know WHY?"

If he tells you you're wrong, remind him that actions speak louder than words.

Give him a scenario:
"If I tell you I'll have sex with you every day for a month, but then I NEVER have sex with you, AT ALL that month, are you gonna believe my actions or my words?"

Make him understand your point. It's the only way.

[Kelsey777]

Thank you NBT. I hate to say it, but I have been settling for apologies and promises. Consequently, me needing to bring the same issue up, constantly, definitely strains the relationship, so obviously it hasn't been solved. I was trying to decide whether or not I should act like I care less, as means to get his attention, but I just can't pretend to be any way I actually am. When these things happen I am going to emphasize action, and take your advice on the matter. What made it so difficult, is I don't want to discourage him from being a kind and helpful individual to others. I seem mean if I tell him NOT to help his father. I encourage it...it's just he kind of uses him.

For example, his father has his son (my boyfriend's half brother living with him), both of them ride theirmotorcyles all the time and have fun all day. On his father's way out, he stops at my boyfriend's and says... "I need my grass cut. You better do something over there today."
Now my boyfriend does not live there.His father isn't old, so he can cut the grass. Furthermore, his half brother is living there for free and can cut the grass. In fact, his father promised him to help him transport a bike he bought from the seller's house to the garage, and he never delivered. The day before his father promised he'd get the bike, we spent the entire evening trying to find the house that his father wanted him to deliver a burn barrel to. He ate up all his gas, his father wouldn't answer the phone when he needed specific directions, and we had dinner plans that night that ended up being canceled, because we spend all night trying to deliver a burn barrel, that his father could have easily delivered himself. He did it for no money, just like everything else...which I like that he's kind...but then his father breaks his promises to him.
Also, my boyfriend couldn't collect anything when he was out of work, because his father cashes checks in his name. His family all say that his old man uses him...and I agree, but its really a delicate situation, because I have no right to bash a man's father to him.

Fortunately a positive step my boyfriend made, was he didnt go over and cut his grass. He took me to see the new Shrek movie in 3D, and I was very happy. I just know that this is temporary, until he gets manipulated again.

So I am going to take your advice...but another question I do have....is how do I elaborate an appropriate level of help for him to give. I like that he helps his family and friends. It says a lot about a character. I just think he, (and I), don't know when the need is legitimate, or if he's being used at certain times.

[NBT]

Thank you NBT. I hate to say it, but I have been settling for apologies and promises. Consequently, me needing to bring the same issue up, constantly, definitely strains the relationship, so obviously it hasn't been solved. I was trying to decide whether or not I should act like I care less, as means to get his attention, but I just can't pretend to be any way I actually am. When these things happen I am going to emphasize action, and take your advice on the matter. What made it so difficult, is I don't want to discourage him from being a kind and helpful individual to others. I seem mean if I tell him NOT to help his father. I encourage it...it's just he kind of uses him.

For example, his father has his son (my boyfriend's half brother living with him), both of them ride theirmotorcyles all the time and have fun all day. On his father's way out, he stops at my boyfriend's and says... "I need my grass cut. You better do something over there today."
Now my boyfriend does not live there.His father isn't old, so he can cut the grass. Furthermore, his half brother is living there for free and can cut the grass. In fact, his father promised him to help him transport a bike he bought from the seller's house to the garage, and he never delivered. The day before his father promised he'd get the bike, we spent the entire evening trying to find the house that his father wanted him to deliver a burn barrel to. He ate up all his gas, his father wouldn't answer the phone when he needed specific directions, and we had dinner plans that night that ended up being canceled, because we spend all night trying to deliver a burn barrel, that his father could have easily delivered himself. He did it for no money, just like everything else...which I like that he's kind...but then his father breaks his promises to him.
Also, my boyfriend couldn't collect anything when he was out of work, because his father cashes checks in his name. His family all say that his old man uses him...and I agree, but its really a delicate situation, because I have no right to bash a man's father to him.

Fortunately a positive step my boyfriend made, was he didnt go over and cut his grass. He took me to see the new Shrek movie in 3D, and I was very happy. I just know that this is temporary, until he gets manipulated again.

So I am going to take your advice...but another question I do have....is how do I elaborate an appropriate level of help for him to give. I like that he helps his family and friends. It says a lot about a character. I just think he, (and I), don't know when the need is legitimate, or if he's being used at certain times.

That's when your boyfriend should have chuckled, and sarcastically responded with "Yeah dad...I'll get right on that", rolling his eyes as he shut the door.

I mean, I love my father too, but I'd look at him like he was crazy if he ever said some shit like that to me, IN THAT MANNER.

Not to MENTION you said he doesn't even LIVE there! Yet the other son is made to do nothing, and the father HIMSELF can do it ALSO (since it's HIS GRASS)

The only problem is, he's so accustomed to your boyfriend jumping every time he snaps his fingers, that he EXPECTS it now, whether right OR wrong. That needs to change. ESPECIALLY if the father isn't doing shit for your man.

The fake apologies and the false promises, I'm SURE they're not INTENTIONAL. Most people don't MEAN to lie when they promise/apologize (especially if they LOVE you) But regardless of his good INTENTIONS, not much is CHANGING. And that's the problem.

Now, I AM glad your boyfriend took you to see the movie instead of cutting his old man's grass. He did a nice job. But like you said, will it last? Probably not. That's where your "point-making" comes in. Re-read my last post. Ask him questions, WAIT for an answer (DON'T B**CH! Don't nag. Just ask, and DON'T let it be a rhetorical question that he doesn't have to answer. WAIT for his response. If he doesn't have one, that should tell you something right there)

Prove your point by using the examples that I gave, and asking the questions that I suggested. And at the SAME time, be UNDERSTANDING! Tell him "Babe, I know you want your dad's attention/approval. I get that you want to make him happy and help him out. I just think it might be a lost cause because he seems to take you for granted. He treats you like a butler/maid/gardener/chef/limo/cab driver that he has on his payroll, except without the check. I LOVE the fact that you're so kind and giving. I just wish you gave that side of yourself to those who actually APPRECIATED it, that's all."

This way, he KNOWS you're not telling him to STOP helping people. You just want him to help those who appreciate the SACRIFICES he's making.

Say all that ^^ CALMLY, while you're laying in bed, RELAXING, no fighting, while rubbing your hand on his arm/chest, whatever. Get him to understand. Then use the actions/words example wherever it fits in.

As for cashing checks in his name, I'm guessing your boyfriend is ALLOWING that. Because if he WASN'T, he could report the guy for FRAUD. So, unless your BF takes a stand, nothing can be done.

I know you love your guy, and that's admirable. Just remember, you want a MAN. Not a boy. Keep that in mind.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think you're communicating the needs you have to him, Kelsey. He's not hearing you.

And DAMN, listening to only one musician day in, day out would get very tiresome, very fast.

[Kelsey777]

That's when your boyfriend should have chuckled, and sarcastically responded with "Yeah dad...I'll get right on that", rolling his eyes as he shut the door.

I mean, I love my father too, but I'd look at him like he was crazy if he ever said some shit like that to me, IN THAT MANNER.

Not to MENTION you said he doesn't even LIVE there! Yet the other son is made to do nothing, and the father HIMSELF can do it ALSO (since it's HIS GRASS)

The only problem is, he's so accustomed to your boyfriend jumping every time he snaps his fingers, that he EXPECTS it now, whether right OR wrong. That needs to change. ESPECIALLY if the father isn't doing shit for your man.

The fake apologies and the false promises, I'm SURE they're not INTENTIONAL. Most people don't MEAN to lie when they promise/apologize (especially if they LOVE you) But regardless of his good INTENTIONS, not much is CHANGING. And that's the problem.

Now, I AM glad your boyfriend took you to see the movie instead of cutting his old man's grass. He did a nice job. But like you said, will it last? Probably not. That's where your "point-making" comes in. Re-read my last post. Ask him questions, WAIT for an answer (DON'T B**CH! Don't nag. Just ask, and DON'T let it be a rhetorical question that he doesn't have to answer. WAIT for his response. If he doesn't have one, that should tell you something right there)

Prove your point by using the examples that I gave, and asking the questions that I suggested. And at the SAME time, be UNDERSTANDING! Tell him "Babe, I know you want your dad's attention/approval. I get that you want to make him happy and help him out. I just think it might be a lost cause because he seems to take you for granted. He treats you like a butler/maid/gardener/chef/limo/cab driver that he has on his payroll, except without the check. I LOVE the fact that you're so kind and giving. I just wish you gave that side of yourself to those who actually APPRECIATED it, that's all."

This way, he KNOWS you're not telling him to STOP helping people. You just want him to help those who appreciate the SACRIFICES he's making.

Say all that ^^ CALMLY, while you're laying in bed, RELAXING, no fighting, while rubbing your hand on his arm/chest, whatever. Get him to understand. Then use the actions/words example wherever it fits in.

As for cashing checks in his name, I'm guessing your boyfriend is ALLOWING that. Because if he WASN'T, he could report the guy for FRAUD. So, unless your BF takes a stand, nothing can be done.

I know you love your guy, and that's admirable. Just remember, you want a MAN. Not a boy. Keep that in mind.

Thank you NBT. I find your advice extremely valuable and I will use it. Thanks again for the help.

[roy_delene]

It doesn't seem he appreciates you any more and maybe the "spark" is gone. If I had to work that much I'd want to spend some time with some one I loved. That's just my 2 cents worth. Maybe its time to end this relationship I think you would have no problems finding some one who does appreciate you

[Caleb]

Well, I think it would be best if one of you would grow a spine. What? Its true. Having one does wonders. Believe me, nothing gets a man child moving better then coughing up a few good ultimatums in order to clear out your position. try to look at it this way, some men are like little kids. How do you expect him to stand up for himself and stop being everyone`s little lackey , when all he hears at home is "yes, dear. I understand". Think about it.

[Lite]

I think your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and learn to say NO to people.