I'm not sure what to do...

[BobHope]

I tried this on Yahoo Answers... I got around 20 different answers saying "He's a fag" or "he's cheating"

I KNOW he isn't cheating. I'm just going to copy and paste to save time. I hope that's alright.

I've been with my boyfriend for some time now and we've been living together most of that time. We do everything together, and until tonight, I've felt as though we were happy.
Our sex life has just come to a halt. He blames it on a few different reasons, one of which I understand (his mother passed away about 4 months ago). His other reasons aren't so convincing. Things like "I'm just always tired" when he plays online poker until midnight just doesn't seem like the truth. He also blames me and says that I'm the one that's acting different. And yes, I am, I'm going out of my way to make him pay attention by constantly asking him if he'd like something to eat, if there is anything I can do for him, etc. I love him so much, but recently, I don't feel anything in return.

I've tried bringing it up and telling him that I miss him and he says that we live together, how can I miss him? And tonight I just told him that I want to be close to him and asked what I was doing wrong and he just told me "It's not always about you". This was pretty much the arrow right through the heart. This is after I had to break into our room that he locked me out of because I went to the living room to watch tv.

I don't understand what is happening. By the way... I've lost weight, I'm in the best shape I've ever been in, and all in all, I look pretty good, yet I can't help but feel like **** when I see him posting about other girls that are hot on a forum.

Feel free to ask questions, I'll be updating this as I get replies.

Additional Details
Also, he goes out and does his own thing. I moved here from across the country and don't have a car to go anywhere, nor do I have any friends. And he knows that he's all I've got.

30 minutes ago
One more thing that kills me... When he goes "poop", he's downloading porn. I don't have anything against porn at all, but it bothers me that he is hiding it. He's been doing this from the beginning of our relationship and I just brush it off.

27 minutes ago
Lol. One more thing, I encourage him to go out and have a good time with his friends. It's usually the only time he does go out. Otherwise, he just plays poker.

19 minutes ago
He's definitely not cheating. I have plenty of his friends that tell me all about how he is when he's out. They all know how much I care about him.
Also, he never cried for his mom. I'm trying to decide if maybe it's finally hitting him?

17 minutes ago
See, I'm encouraging him to go out with his friends. Usually, if I don't say "You need to go have you time", he doesn't go. So I don't think I'm being clingy.

10 minutes ago
The whole thing about saying he's all I've got is because my family and friends all live across the country. He's the only person I actually know here.

0 seconds ago

[SAVANAH]

wow you must be hurting and I sympathies with you, I must admit that the first thing that came to mind was that his cheating but as I read further I changed my mind as he seems to always be at home and choose it that way.

The thing about his mom could be a possibility I doubt it though I think it's got to do with you and maybe he feels a bit crowded not necessarily about you being 'clingy' but maybe you should suggest going home for a while, give him some space.

Also if it is about his mom then he probably needs a bit of time to soak things in and maybe just wants you to be 'around' you could maybe give him a back rub and you never know... one thing may lead to another.

Him locking you out the room is a major uhm... you must have hurt so much, I think it's either him acting out on you not being there when he wanted to spend time with you or maybe he just wanted you not to be there, he seems like a hard person to read, and therefore I think it will be best if you plan a romantic night, cook for him and all that jazz then try and speak to him let him know you here for him and blah blah blah..

Good luck

[zombie_loo89]

How long has this "change" occurred? He could just be in a state of mourning over his mother. Maybe he does feel pressured because he is all you have. I know that can push people away when they feel like theyre the only thing in your life. I'd make some friends, give him space, just be there for him but also have self respect. Try talking to him about it, but don't nag him.

[wallflower23]

It sounds like he's just depressed... the locking you out of the room thing says to me that he was mad at you about something... could be as simple as he wanted to be alone with his thoughts and felt you were prying too much.

I'd sit him down let him know that seeing him depressed worries and upsets you but that you're there for him if he need to talk to someone or just wants someone to comfort him, and leave it at that.

I wouldn't pry, just make sure he knows you're there for him.

Something you might also try doing is planing a mini vacation over a long weekend, just to get the two of you out of the house and away from your daily grind, something relaxing without too many distractions like renting a beach house or going camping.

It seems like he's playing poker and going out with his friends because he knows those are activities that will let him avoid his feelings, a weekend away with you will help bring you together a bit and he might be more willing to open up.

[Yggdrasil]

I've been with my boyfriend for some time now and we've been living together most of that time. We do everything together, and until tonight, I've felt as though we were happy.

Joined at the hip???

He blames it on a few different reasons, one of which I understand (his mother passed away about 4 months ago).

Projection.. nice...

His other reasons aren't so convincing. Things like "I'm just always tired" when he plays online poker until midnight just doesn't seem like the truth. He also blames me and says that I'm the one that's acting different.

Oh, the blame and guilt trip game.. aka.. emotional abuse plus denial.. it's not him, it's you.

And yes, I am, I'm going out of my way to make him pay attention by constantly asking him if he'd like something to eat, if there is anything I can do for him, etc. I love him so much, but recently, I don't feel anything in return.

Why do you go out of your way for someone who treats you disrespectfull? Don't you have any self esteem or self worth?

I've tried bringing it up and telling him that I miss him and he says that we live together, how can I miss him? And tonight I just told him that I want to be close to him and asked what I was doing wrong and he just told me "It's not always about you". This was pretty much the arrow right through the heart. This is after I had to break into our room that he locked me out of because I went to the living room to watch tv.

Ah.. no answer, the silence treatment, locking you out... more control and emotional abuse.

By the way... I've lost weight, I'm in the best shape I've ever been in, and all in all, I look pretty good, yet I can't help but feel like **** when I see him posting about other girls that are hot on a forum.

Why are you trying to please him by looking good? You should look and feel good for yourself, not for others. Someone who loves and respects you, accepts you as you are.

Also, he goes out and does his own thing. I moved here from across the country and don't have a car to go anywhere, nor do I have any friends. And he knows that he's all I've got.

Ah.. isolation.. more abuse.

I don't understand what is happening.

Maybe you start understanding after my little comments.

If not, you may want to read this: [URL="http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects .htm"]http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects .htm[/URL]

Enough said.. if you don't get the idea by now, I dunno what can make you open your eyes.

[akazie]

I agree that he does sound depressed which would be normal considering his mum passed away not long ago. I wouldn't take locking the door on you personal, you don't know if he locked it so you couldn't see him cry, when people are depressed they want to be alone.

I would give him some space and maybe talk to him about seeing a doctor.

[BobHope]

When I said he locked me out... It was after I had gone to watch tv. He came out, said 'You're acting weird, just stay out there". And slammed the door and locked it.

Sad thing is, I know he's abusing me. Not physically, but emotionally, because I seem to make a trend of dating people like that. I just want him to be the fun, caring guy that I knew when I first met him.

[BobHope]

This change started about a month ago when he started playing poker more often. His mom passed away quite some time ago.

[BobHope]

He used to be so much fun, and then BAM, sudden change. I tried talking with him this morning, and he told me the following "I ask you to do lil things and you just let them go on forever for simple things. You take showers like every 2-3 days. You use to take showers all the time and take care of yourself."

I know that sounds gross, not saying it isn't. But I sit at home all day and clean HIS house (he makes sure to say it's his and not mine, although we've been living together for almost a year now). He always says that he likes that I stay home, but constantly complains about money and says how nice it would be if I got a job, yet I'm not able to get a job because I don't have a car here and he doesn't want me walking.

[Yggdrasil]

But I sit at home all day and clean HIS house (he makes sure to say it's his and not mine, although we've been living together for almost a year now). He always says that he likes that I stay home, but constantly complains about money and says how nice it would be if I got a job, yet I'm not able to get a job because I don't have a car here and he doesn't want me walking.

See my post above.

Starting to feel like you can't do anything right? That's the beginning... It'll only get worse from here.

FYI: I'm not gona tell you what to do.. I'm only going to point out what's going on. You're a big girl, I am quite sure you can make up your own mind.

[BobHope]

Also, I clean all day. The house is spotless. I also cook every night and get up and make him food whenever he asks. Even bringing it to his desk. I honestly do feel like I've gotten lazy, because I honestly am exhausted from catering to him.

And the sad thing is, as I'm typing this, I know what people are going to be telling me. I just have to come to terms that maybe this wasn't the perfect relationship that I thought it was going to be.

He's held me back from going to see my son because "He couldn't go". I'm so worried nonstop and pretty much depressed. I miss my family, but can't let him know that, because I feel bad about his mom, even though he never says anything about that.

He is a great guy. At least he was. We always smiled and laughed and had a lot of fun. We used to just cuddle all day. We could wrestle around and I miss that so much. I miss the way that it made me feel, so I know that I'm just hanging on to see that again. I just don't know what to say to him to let him know that I'm depressed. It seems if I say anything, there's a reason for why it's happening, and it's usually me.

I don't even understand why I want to be in this relationship anymore, but I do. I can't bring myself to leave. The only reason I got out of the last abusive relationship I was in was because HE left. Because HE knocked me unconscious. And I'm scared that I just can't get out of this one because my life back home is almost worse. I sometimes would rather deal with this then go back and deal with my controlling mom.

[BobHope]

See my post above.

Starting to feel like you can't do anything right? That's the beginning... It'll only get worse from here.

FYI: I'm not gona tell you what to do.. I'm only going to point out what's going on. You're a big girl, I am quite sure you can make up your own mind.

I just don't know how to get out.

[BobHope]

I'm set up with two evils.

Leave and I go back to living with my overly controlling mother, or stay here and hope that he changes back to his old self so I can make something of myself.

[Yggdrasil]

I just don't know how to get out.

I can't help you with that. I can make suggestions:

Find a womans shelter, save enough money without him knowing to be able to afford a trip with the bus or train to family or trusted friends, get law enforcement involved,...

If you live in the US, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: [URL="http://www.ndvh.org/get-help/safety-planning/"]http://www.ndvh.org/get-help/safety-planning/[/URL]

The most important thing is to understand you're in an abusive relation. I think you are and deserve better than that.

It's also important to realize that no matter how much you love him, it's impossible to help him. Only he can help himself.

He has problems, and he needs professional help.

I understand it's hard to leave an abusive relation, but there are resources available.

This is all I can do for you. The rest is up to you.

[BobHope]

I just got off of the phone with him. He was crying and told me that he was sorry for being such an ass. He basically just went on and on about his mom. This is probably the first time that I've ever heard him cry about her, or for that matter, talk about it. I guess he's on his way home because he needs to talk things out. He said he's been such a dick to me and I don't deserve it.

I'm so confused.