He's Going Away...
Yesterday my boyfriend called and said that he was considering taking a job offer in Iraq that would last until June. He has a friend over there and so this has increased his confidence in thinking this is a good idea. If he were to take the job, he could return to the states and pay off all of his debts... which seems to matter greatly to him to be rid of them.
I'm not sure what to think... usually I can be very objective and reasonable... but with this, I guess I let it get to me. We talked for a while more on the phone. Afterward I couldn't stop from thinking about all he had said and what that would mean... it just progressed from thinking about it to feeling awful, scared... and a host of other emotions I couldn't really differentiate.
I pretty much live alone... and without anyone to really talk to or any form of distraction that worked (tried to watch tv, play music, draw, read a book... etc) I decided in my 'emotional state' to simply numb these emotions with alcohol. I couldn't think last night and I certainly didn't want to feel.
I've never let anyone affect me like this. We've only been together for about 5 months and now he's going away for 6 months... but he tells me that he wants to stay together... that I have nothing to worry about. I know this will hurt because I won't stray... I'll remain faithful to him and will be lonely and sad without him. I feel like I've finally found someone that truly makes me happy and now I have to let him go.
I hate being this emotional --- it makes me feel weak.
"The weakest soul, knowing its own weakness, and believing this truth that strength can only be developed by effort and practice, will, thus believing, at once begin to exert itself, and, adding effort to effort, patience to patience, and strength to strength, will never cease to develop, and will at last grow divinely strong."
- James Allen