parents bickering again

[anachronistic]

I believe life is too short for the events that follow this line.

So my stepfather's sister was going to babysit my sister who is two years old. She wasn't sure if she could make it or not, so my mom had someone else do it.

That is not a big deal, is it? Or am I wrong?


So basically my mother is miserable. Here's what follows. Yesterday, she and my stepfather were fixing fences at our country lot, where we have wild running horses. Something flew off one of the vehicles and smoked her in the head, and put a big gash on her head. She isn't very happy about that, she is so pissed off that I am afraid to ask her what happened.

Today I came home, about 10 pm, she is sitting on the computer playing solitaire on the computer all alone. Letting my little sister tear up the furniture and throw toys all over the damn place. My mom smelled of liquor. She told me that my stepfather's sister is going around telling all their friends bad things, things that are lies. She is trying to get everyone to hate her. My mom was also upset about that.

She told my stepfather about this and he got pissed off and didn't want to talk about it. He left and she doesn't know where he went. She told him that his sister was not allowed in our house anymore.


How miserable. I can't describe how pointless and stupid all this is to me. She is angry and things just seem so ****ed up around my homefront. In many ways I feel sorry for her and my little sister.

My mother has nobody to talk to other than me. I am her eldest son and even at this point I don't know what to tell her. What do you guys recommend? Sometimes I wish I could invite her to join this world, but it's my private little world kinda... you know?

[Steve2004]

yikes...family problems are always scarring. I went through..god, like 15 years of miserable fighting between my parents before they finally got a divorce (right when i moved out..mind you). But..my advice is just be there for her. That's all a parent needs when they're getting shit from their spouse, just know that their children are there for them. Talk to her about it, if she's up for it. that really sucks. I'm sorry :/

[IndiReloaded]

LW, I'm sorry that your family is having problems at the moment. Its pretty normal & will settle down, hopefully, once the emotions have run down.

If you're concerned, why don't you put your sister to bed & bring your mom a cup of tea? You're old enough now to start seeing your parents as adults w/issues of their own to sort out.

I'd watch out for getting involved, tho. Even your superficial description suggests deeper issues going on than you probably fully realize.

[anachronistic]

i do all kinds of things for my mom. i pay half the bills of the house, i watch my little sister sometimes, i give my mother gas money quite often because she can't even afford.

dear god i hope this bullshit is not normal. it is so pointless. i have been in a tornado before. first things are very rough, it rains hard and it's windy... then it gets calm. then it starts to hail and a tornado comes in ripping everything up.

when something like that happens, i sense it coming. right now, i feel a tornado brewing between my mother and stepfather. it's not the first one either.

my mother does not trust the man. she is always checking his email because apparently he is trying to date someone else online. can you believe someone could be that cold and cruel, after someone that loved them would have a kid with them, move all the way out to the middle of ****ing nowhere and work a shit job, leaving all her family and friends to be with them?? i cannot imagine the things it would take. i could never mislead a person that deep.

what a life ruiner.

sometimes adults just blow up at little things and it's so unreal. i can't picture myself ever getting mad over such silly and pointless things.

i realize that it's her problem, but i feel that she is on the verge of suicide or osmething. she has mentioned it before, i suggested all kinds of things and i don't know what to tell her. people tell me it's her problem not miine, but she is my mother, she has nobody to talk to about this mess, i can't leave her hanging. i *need* to do something about this. i *need* to give her some kind of advice.

[IndiReloaded]

There's a difference between 'normal' and 'reasonable'. I suppose I should have used the word 'common' to describe your parents problems. Its all too common for ppl to interact the way your parents are. It isn't reasonable, based on what you've said.

Its also very common for children to want to fix their parents problems in cases like this. And for parents to let them try (to their detriment, IMO). Careful about taking sides: nothing happens in a vacuum, LW.

Obviously you care about your mother. Of course you want to help. But you can't fix anyone elses problems for them hun. Ever. Ultimately, change has to come from the individual.

Imagine the problems of your parents were happening to a close friend(s). What are the things you would be prepared to do to help them? Mbe that might help give you an idea for how to approach this issue & stay balanced about it.

[anachronistic]

i'll have to do some thinking.

she is off to bed and i wrote a note that said something like "don't forget what really counts" in her purse.

[Tiay]

oh god 'wing, I'm sorry, I only saw this now.

When someone is suicidal or low/miserable/depressed, often the best thing is to just tell them that you love them and will be there for them, rather than trying to fix everything for them or tell them what to do, thus making them feel even more useless and stupid.

[Jimmy1218]

My parents always had really violent fights, but I just tell myself that they're the perfect example of what not to be in the future...

i feel that she is on the verge of suicide or osmething. she has mentioned it before

But thats getting a little scary. I think you should try to calm her down like telling her the ying yang theory (when the situation gets so bad it doesn't seem be able to get any worse, then it slowly turns good), or get her to see a psycologist. Must be really tough dealing with such events.

[Tiay]

often the best thing is to just tell them that you love them and will be there for them, rather than trying to fix everything for them or tell them what to do, thus making them feel even more useless and stupid.

I think you should try to calm her down like telling her the ying yang theory (when the situation gets so bad it doesn't seem be able to get any worse, then it slowly turns good), or get her to see a psycologist.

____________
(actually, jimmy makes a good point, but it'd still be careful)

[anachronistic]

her world is falling apart. her sister died not too long ago. she used to talk to her sister a lot about these things. now all that is left is me.

i don't know anything about the yin-yang theory. i will have to look it up myself. sounds interesting.

[vashti]

I agree completely with everything Indi said. If you want to help your mother, babysit your sister and encourage her to go visit a friend. It is inappropriate for you to take on the role of her sole source of support.

[Gigabitch]

'wing, here's the thing. You can't save your mother. Not only that, you shouldn't have to. She's supposed to be the adult in this situation, and her refusal to step up to the plate does not mean that you are supposed to do it.

I understand and sympathize with your situation, believe me. I didn't spend years in therapy for nothing, you know. My parents dug me so deeply into a hole I almost didn't make it out. Don't let this happen to you.

You're probably going to have nightmares when you go off to college that stem from survivor's guilt. You may feel as if you can't leave your mom in her situation, let alone your little sister.

Hear me when I say that they will still have plenty of problems for you to deal with when school is over. You need to focus on you.

I'm sorry your mom makes such shitty choices. I wish she would let you make choices for her, but she won't. You have a lot of responsibility in this relationship and no power.

[anachronistic]

yea i am already dreading leaving home because of this crap.

my mother and stepfather are friends with people that are very... redneck. i am not quite sure if there is a word for it; they are angry at my mom because my stepfathers' sister is making up crap. my step father leaves the house during the week to go work out of town. the friends would probably come over and start trouble (like try to break into the house and beat my mom), but i think they know i and my brother live there, so they are afraid to step around.

when my brother and i are gone, i think my mom will be in a world of shit.

[Gigabitch]

I know this is going to sound harsh, but that will be her own damned fault. The choice she made to move to BFE to be with a really big asshole doesn't sound like the kind of thing a right-thinking person does.

She screwed herself, she screwed you and your brother, and she totally screwed your little sister. I want to shake her until her eyes rattle in her head for putting you in this position.

[anachronistic]

I know this is going to sound harsh, but that will be her own damned fault. The choice she made to move to BFE to be with a really big asshole doesn't sound like the kind of thing a right-thinking person does.

She screwed herself, she screwed you and your brother, and she totally screwed your little sister. I want to shake her until her eyes rattle in her head for putting you in this position.

thanks giga, you actually give me support in some of my thoughts about all this. i thought it was ridiculous to move out here. but if i didn't move out here, i might not be a $70 an hour web designer right now, and i might not be going to college as i am this semester.

i hate looking in hind sight, but it's probably true. there are reasons i am glad i am here, but reasons i wish i could be back in der stadt.