I am a jerk

[corinthian]

What a F*ing mess! Why have I found it so difficult to behave decently and actually to try to improve myself as a person? What is commitment and how far should it go?

I have been married for about seven years to a beautiful girl of very good character. I am a dickhead, mainly because I find it impossible to sincerely try to achieve anything, resulting in a very patchy career. I wouldn't say we have major financial problems, just a long-term deficiency in lifetime income expectations relative to people with an equivalent educational and social background. This has naturally been a source of tension in our relationship.

On top of this, we have had fertility problems and it seems as though we will be unable to have children together, except via adoption or possibly donor egg. Being unable to shoulder meaningful responsibility, the whole prospect of having children appals me anyway and the only reason I would do it is because I can't really imagine turning around to my wife and saying: "Sorry, Darling, I don't want children because I am basically unwilling to take on that responsibility. Sorry for wasting the last seven years of your life. Goodbye."

Meanwhile, I have been working for a few years for a small company where I spend a lot of time with a beautiful and lovely girl. Around three years ago, she gets divorced. Around two years ago, she starts getting a bit funny with me. It turns out she basically worships the ground beneath my feet (go figure). Anyway, she says she really does. This morning I was checking back through my e-mails and found this from her:

"I also wanted to apologise if I’ve been acting a bit strange towards you lately. I just find very hard to know when too much is too much and sometimes I can irritate people with the intensity of my feelings. I think the reason I like you so much is because of your honesty, your sense of justice, your spontaneity. I think you’re funny, very intelligent, genuine and caring. I like your ideas, your thoughts and the enthusiastic (and often poetic!) way in which you tell your stories. I could just stay there and listen to whatever you have to say. You give me a sense of calm, you make me smile. Because I like you this much, I care a lot about you, about what you think of me and I always see myself trying to please you, trying to get your attention. And if you’re going through a difficult phase, it just breaks my heart and I feel that I need to do something, to help you somehow. I’d love to be able to give you a hug. But the truth is that I don’t need to worry so much about you for you already have someone to give you all the support you need. I actually realised that the person who’s in need of a hug is probably me."

OK, so I form the impression that the girl genuinely likes me. I realise she's been through a divorce, she is on the rebound etc. but nevertheless I think, "Wow, this person actually must really REALLY like me". Anyway, I was kind of pissed off with my unhappy marriage so I have a brief - and I mean just a few weeks here - little fling with her. Very little actually happens because I am married and I have absolutely no opportunity to indulge in anything outside of working hours. After these few weeks, my colleague calls it all off, rather symbolically handing back to me a book a love poetry that I had lent to her and handing me a CD apparently containing a song that presumably sums up the whole experience for her. I don't know because I could never bring myself to actually listen to it and I've now forgotten where it is. By the way, English is not this person's first language, and the poetry was Shakespeare's Sonnets, which she told me she would gaze at every night, not really knowing how to pronounce it or what it all meant but just imagining me reading it to her and how it would sound from my lips - for Christ's sake!

Anyway, roll on a couple of years to now and my career issues are really running up against the fact that my wife and I now have to decide about adoption and I am thinking: "For ****'s sake, I don't want to disappoint this girl but how can I go through with something like that when I have such a hopeless career. What will happen is, one day my wife will leave me, taking my adopted child with her, and make me support her and this child from my meagre earnings, leaving me with no life at all."

I start to weigh up my options and I latch on to the idea that I am still getting on pretty well with this girl at work. In fact, I think she is great. She is single and desperately looking for a long-term partner (clock is ticking). So I think, let's face it, you are a fairly pathetic man and incapable of taking really important decisions - you prefer it if you just fall into them de facto. So I start paying a lot more attention to my colleague and eventually front up with a rather florid (poetic? honest?) love e-mail that basically says: "How about it?"

Anyway, the answer I get, somehow not unexpectedly is "No." I kind of knew the answer would be "No" but I actually don't understand why the answer is "No". Can anybody help me with that? I actually am scheduled to talk to my colleague about this soon and logically I should just listen to what she has to say and that should be my answer. But something tells me it won't really be the answer.

Maybe if I knew the answer to that question, I could actually start working on myself and the relationships I do have rather than just hang around waiting to jump ship the whole time. What is commitment? Why do I feel, commitment is great ! - if only I could commit myself to this colleague of mine, then that would really be the ultimate, I would have learnt from my mistakes with my wife and because my colleague is such a nurturing person, I would finally have the opportunity to try to sincerely grow as a person without constantly facing the impossible challenge of meeting my wife's very high expectations?

[Cbrider]

You're a scared person, scared of your wife, scared of yourself and scared of the world. Its ****ing easy to run from things you fear.

You're your own worst enemy, you appear to have 0 self esteem and subsequently no will power to work on anything. You're cheating on your wife, and have a lot of nerve to turn around and say you have no career, motivation or anything to look forward to. You sure as hell had no problem chasing after a co-worker....do you even know why you are married?

You need to talk to someone, someone you look up to, a professional, a pastor, anyone. You're dragging your wife down with you and shes doing it because she loves you and cares about you. She probably doesn't know you have cheated, you seem to have no vested interest in your wife, you can't even fathom the idea of children with her because you don't think you can handle it. Do you remember anything from when you got married....vows maybe?

I don't want to come off as a dick, but I probably will. I have had some less than pleasing life experiences with men of your character. DO NOT put your wife through this, either step the **** up or bail and run away.

[corinthian]

I don't want to come off as a dick, but I probably will. I have had some less than pleasing life experiences with men of your character. DO NOT put your wife through this, either step the **** up or bail and run away.

Yes, the character thing is uppermost in my mind. I know I have behaved VERY badly and that I need to work on that but I have a nasty feeling that my type of character flaws is very difficult to correct. I was thinking of Psychoanalysis. Part of me thinks, "Great, the average time in psychoanalysis is 5.7 years, which is about how long it would take to straighten someone like me out." Another part of me thinks, "5.7 years? Who are you kidding? You have never stuck with anything for longer than 5.7 minutes. Try a bit of focused CBT and then maybe re-visit the idea of a longer programme if/when you get some perspective and control over your behaviour." Does anyone have any experience of emerging from my type of character disorder?

[Cbrider]

At least you recognize a problem, you will be an infinitely better man for correcting it rather than just throwing everything away. Theres a few nurses that regularly browse through here, see what they have to say, i doubt they are on at 4:45 in the morning : /

Have you ever been evaluated by a professional in regards to your issues with responsibility?

[corinthian]

Have you ever been evaluated by a professional in regards to your issues with responsibility?

I have had six separate bouts of "talking therapy" of one kind or another over the years, not necessarily focused exclusively on the issue of responsibility, but objectively things have not really improved, or if they have, I would hate to have seen how things would have turned out otherwise. Each "bout" has been relatively short, however (probably never had more than 10 or 12 sessions), and on the last occasion the therapist did recommend psychoanalysis to me.

I worry that a long programme would just tempt me to defer efforts to improve or, if unsuccessful, would finally convince me that I was doomed.

[Mish]

I think the reason I like you so much is because of your honesty, your sense of justice.......So I start paying a lot more attention to my colleague and eventually front up with a rather florid (poetic? honest?) love e-mail that basically says: "How about it?"

Anyway, the answer I get, somehow not unexpectedly is "No." I kind of knew the answer would be "No" but I actually don't understand why the answer is "No". Can anybody help me with that?

I think the answer lies in the beginning of your polemic. She thinks you are a noble and just person. Where as cheating on your wife reduces you to a low level scum (not very attractive).

Your best option is to leave your wife at this stage.

[Cbrider]

I dealt with anger and depression as a kid and into my late teens. Believe me, if there was a poster child for anti-counseling I would have been it. I hated it, thought it was stupid and refused to cooperate. I finally hit rock bottom and was willing to try anything. For me it took an anti-depressant coupled with counseling to conquer my issue, but conquered it was.

Maybe the medicinal route is something you should ask about. They have medication for everything under the sun. You aren't the first or last person in this situation, see whats out there, talk to your doctor/therapist.

[corinthian]

I think the answer lies in the beginning of your polemic. She thinks you are a noble and just person. Where as cheating on your wife reduces you to a low level scum (not very attractive).

Your best option is to leave your wife at this stage.

OK, so the first part I can agree with but there is something paradoxical and unfair about that, don't you agree? I mean, she basically instigated the affair in the first place. Also, she has known that I have a difficult relationship with my wife for quite a long time and is herself divorced. She should be glad that I am willing to leave my wife!

As for the second part, you don't really explain your recommendation but I accept that no explanation is really needed - what you are saying is that I should do my wife a favour and leave her. This is also paradoxical because what I am saying is that I acknowledge I need to change my ways. If I acknowledge that, in what way am I helping my wife by leaving her? Are you saying my case is hopeless (i.e I will never change), or are you saying that what has already happened is so grossly unfair to my wife that, even if she should never discover the truth, I just have to recognise that I have betrayed her so completely that she MUST be better off without me, even if she never finds out why?

[corinthian]

For me it took an anti-depressant coupled with counseling to conquer my issue, but conquered it was.

Maybe the medicinal route is something you should ask about. They have medication for everything under the sun. You aren't the first or last person in this situation, see whats out there, talk to your doctor/therapist.

OK, I will talk to someone about that but the terrible thing is that I am actually not particularly depressed - I should be but I am not. I do have massive self-esteem issues but I am not sure there is a pill for that.

[Mish]

OK, so the first part I can agree with but there is something paradoxical and unfair about that, don't you agree? I mean, she basically instigated the affair in the first place. Also, she has known that I have a difficult relationship with my wife for quite a long time and is herself divorced. She should be glad that I am willing to leave my wife!

Perhaps she wants you to leave your wife first before anything happens between the two of you. That would make sense if indeed you are a just person as she seems to think of you.

This is also paradoxical because what I am saying is that I acknowledge I need to change my ways. If I acknowledge that, in what way am I helping my wife by leaving her?

Because acknowledgment is not enough, there has to be an action to actually change, an action which just isn't there. It's not there by the obvious fact that you are ready to cheat on your wife. Just accept it, you don't respect her, you don't share the same goals as her, you are intimidated by her and you are scared that she will leave you and make you pay for child support. Why are you in this relationship exactly? That's a good question to ask yourself I think.

[corinthian]

Perhaps she wants you to leave your wife first before anything happens between the two of you. That would make sense if indeed you are a just person as she seems to think of you.



Because acknowledgment is not enough, there has to be an action to actually change, an action which just isn't there. It's not there by the obvious fact that you are ready to cheat on your wife. Just accept it, you don't respect her, you don't share the same goals as her, you are intimidated by her and you are scared that she will leave you and make you pay for child support. Why are you in this relationship exactly? That's a good question to ask yourself I think.

Mishanya, Thank you, I understand what you are saying and you are absolutely correct on both points.

Now I just have to summon up the courage to actually do something about this - how easy do you think that is going to be for me? (Note for the casual reader: that is a rhetorical question.)

I suppose I got into this marriage because I recognised that my wife is a very good person and that I wanted to be married to a very good person. Part of me knew I should do her a favour and leave her alone but it is hard to accept that, you have to admit. Especially because of the hope of change. I doubt anybody actually wants to be a bad person. Some people are just unwilling to put in the effort
required to avoid that or to become a better person. Some people just do face apparently intractable character issues.

[Gigabitch]

Well, try to muster up some cojones and leave your wife. She deserves better and you know it.

The colleague was infatuated with you because she didn't know what a total weasel you really are. I know it felt good to have someone really like you, but even you can see that she hadn't a clue what you really are, right? Maybe she sees you more clearly now, hence her answer of "No."

Quit feeding us excuses for choosing to remain a douchebag. Your emotional irresponsibility is not an intractable character flaw. You're just being a lazy ass. (See also: the rest of your life so far.) Life is SHORT, corinthian. Too short to spend it squirming around with your head up your own ass.

If you have the time and the means, I suggest you come to New Mexico so I can whap you upside the head. Then you can have a talk with my brother and my husband about personal evolution and what it means for you.

[corinthian]

Hmm, I see what you are saying here and it is difficult to hear this.

If you have the time and the means, I suggest you come to New Mexico so I can whap you upside the head. Then you can have a talk with my brother and my husband about personal evolution and what it means for you.

Hey, I love New Mexico but "personal evolution" lessons from your brother and husband? Are you trying to eliminate my kind from the genetic pool?

[vashti]

Giga has a knack for getting straight to the point.

You titled your thread "I am a jerk", and I must agree. Please don't reproduce with your poor wife.

BTW - I think you sound like the perspective adoptive parent in "Juno".

[gottabethejuice]

Wow, you actually got yourself to believe the garbage that you wrote? You blame your wife for her "very high expectations", since when is having a decent job high expectations? A few lines earlier you stated you had a crummy job. And you say this:

I would have learnt from my mistakes with my wife and because my colleague is such a nurturing person, I would finally have the opportunity to try to sincerely grow as a person

Wow! If that isn't the biggest load of horse BS around. I can tell you are one of those guys who thinks to themselves "If only...". Let your wife read your post so she can stop wasting time with you.