Is it true love or just denial?

[noyb32]

I was in a long-term relationship for 3 years. We took things slow, got to know each other well, travelled together. At the time, we thought we were each others' soul mates. He was always sensitive, responsive and thoughtful in all our in's and outs. We just understood each other, and admired each other for all that we were.

About 2.5 years into it, my partner started having trouble trying to break into the workforce (he was just out of university) and had a hard time finding his purpose and strengths in life. He had an incredible opportunity with an organisation that he really admired, and almost landed the job, only to be knocked back in the final stages. He wanted the job so bad he even went back and begged them to give him another chance. This failed, and he has never been the same since.

A few months after this, completely out of the blue, he decided to end things between us. I was shocked and couldn't understand why, when I had thought we were working so well and after all we had been through. I had noticed he had become distant and more aloof than how he used to be, but I thought this was just us getting comfortable with each other, rather than a problem. He said that he couldn't do it anymore, and that he needed some time away to reevaluate who he is, and I understood.

As soon as he ended things, he decided to join the armed forces. He said to me that he needed to test himself, and feel the grit of pain again...something he thought he was losing sight of. He underwent his training, a months course away from home. It was incredibly challenging on physical, mental and emotional levels. He sent me letters from his camp, where he would sit in toilet cubicles after lights out. They were letters of desperation and angst, and he begged me to please take him back upon his arrival back home. I told him to wait it out, that he is not in the right frame of mind just yet, but that I would think about it. Of course, this was already a given, but when he returned we talked and worked it out and decided to get back together. In my heart, I knew that things weren't truly resolved within in, but I thought that he was ready to open up his true feelings and let me share it with him.

However, 6 months following this, it happened again. This time, he had travelled with his family and I had noticed again, he had become increasingly distant and emotionally cut-off. As soon as he and I had both returned from our trips overseas, we again had the break-up conversation. At first, he gave me the stock reponse, "I just can't do it anymore, we're not compatible, we're different...blah blah." I got incredibly angry, and couldn't believe he would do this to me all over again. I was just about to tell him to get out of my car, but first said that he was going to regret this for the rest of his life. Things went silent, and then he agreed with me, saying, "Yes, as little as I have left". In the past, he has expressed to me his own insecurities and depressive tendencies, but this time, I felt it was almost a cry for help. We went on for about another 2 hours exploring these ideas, and I would insist that he doesn't have to run away that I can help him through this. But he wouldn't hear of it. He felt it was something he needed to conquer alone. In the conversations following that he would say things like, "I need to love myself before I can open my heart to loving another" and "I am just a burden to you". I told him that I understand his quest and his need to be alone right now, and that no matter what happens, I will always be there for him and love the person he truly is inside.

It has been almost year since that day, and we have been in contact relatively often. He is still yet to find a job, and struggling with his career. About a month after we broke up, he also went on a four-month trip overseas. We've talk about how it ended, but whenever I ask him to recall the night we broke up, he does not remember what happened, our in depth talk about his issues. I tell him over and over that he doesn't have to be scared, or fearful, my love it so strong and that I accept through everything. A year on now, he just says "we just weren't compatible, our personalities are not matched," even though I feel that is farthest from the truth of all. He says he just forget about him in that way, and that it's not worth all this trouble...

Am i just being naive in this whole thing? I feel as though this is just a test of my love, through his hard times I need to see through his defensive responses and insecurities. But am I just overly hopeful that he will one day wake up and appreciate everything? Is it worth biting through all this pain? Or any suggestions on what I should do/not do from this point?

Thanks so much for your time.

[triplikeido]

that sounds like a really difficult spot to be in. Caring so much for the person you would do anything for him... maybe the thing in this situation is to just let him go. A quote id like to put in here is "If you love himj let him go, if he comes back hes yours." he is obviously going through some hard change in his life... most likely a smack in the face by the real world most college graduates are facing. Throw the army in there which is emotionally and physically straining can change the person. I know you dont want to lose him, and im not sure as to exactly your situation, but from what ive read it sounds like hes struggling to keep himself together and it might take more strength than he has, or thinks he has, to pursue the relationship. he sounds clinically depressed and i think it would be beneficial for him to see a therapist about those issues. I know you want to help him through it all but it might be something a therapist is more suited to handle. the most you can do is be there for him, but dont torture yourself over it.

[noyb32]

Thanks so much for your response triplikeido. The only problem is telling him to please see someone about the issues - he is in complete denial, and feels as though the only way to prove to himself that he is courageous is for him to do it alone. Typical male response. Many of my friends tell me I need to let him go as well...that I deserve better and that he is going to regret this all. Which is all true I feel, but I just cannot shake the feeling of being the only one that knows about his issues and just sitting around doing nothing about them. Every time we talk on the phone we delve into something psychological, and while I am more than happy to do this, I feel like I cannot shelter him anymore, or force him to try and see his own issues that he must inevitably learn about himself.
I also find it terribly difficult to curb my own feelings - I say to him that he doesn't have to do anything, all I want is for him to see what I see in him. But I think in part I am lying to myself, I still do fantasize about the day he will wake up and realize how much I love him and come back to me. I feel like I need space between us for me to overcome my own feelings, but I don't want him to lose sight of the fact that I will always be there for him..no idea how to handle that right now..any suggestions?