Am I an asshole?

[Anemone]

Hello everyone, I wish you can help me with a part of my personality which I dislike and wish to change.

Let's see how should I start this..

To start it off, I'll say I'm a 20 years old male, a very shy guy who never had a girlfriend.

[vashti]

...???

Did you forget to post the part about what it is you'd like to change?

(welcome, BTW.)

[Jimmy1218]

Whats with the title? You tell us your age and personality...asking if you are an asshole. You're a funny guy aren't you?

[Anemone]

Hello everyone, I wish you can help me with a part of my personality which I dislike and wish to change.

Let's see how should I start this..

To start it off, I'll say I'm a 20 years old male, a very shy guy who never had a girlfriend. I think I should note I'm not a bad person, I consider myself to be a kind and caring person, but with self-confidence issues. I say this because I don't want you to judge me wrongly when you read my post.

Ok, now to the problem itself. It all started when I was 16 (so was she), when I met my 'first real love' if you wish. I had recently moved to a new country, and knew nothing and noone there. I met her that very first day I arrived, at the house of some friends of my parents. She was there visiting their sons, who I later befriended. Well anyways, when I first saw her I was completely stunned by her beauty, and fell for her completely (In a way a 16yo does :p).
It was the first time I had felt that way, but since I had (still have, to some degree) a low self-steem my first thought was: "A girl that cute would never date someone like me. Why should I bother?". Well, I was surprised to find out a couple of weeks later that she though I was cute, that she had a crush on me, or at least that's what my new friends had told me. You can all imagine how surprised and filled with hope I was, so I decided to swallow all my fears and talk to her. And so I managed to get her e-mail address, and we started chatting on msn for a while. Like all of you know, you are not quite the same person on the internet as in real life. When I chatted with her online, I had no fears and never felt unconfortable talking to her. To her, I believe, I was just a witty and funny guy.
I really enjoyed talking to her, so I decided to do what I never had the nerve to do before. I asked her out. When she said Yes, I tell you guys, I almost dropped down dead. I couldn't believe it, I was going to have my first date, and with that girl I had met my first day in this new land. So the day finally came. I was REALLY nervous, but I managed to get a hold of myself. We went to see a movie, and after it finished we started walking towards the bus stop. I didn't want the date to end, so I asked her if she wanted to take a walk or something. She agreed, so we went to a coffee shop and sat there to chat. That's when it all started.. I was completely mute, I coulnd't say anything, no words were coming out of my mouth. I didn't know what the hell to talk with her about. When we did talk, it was because she had provided a topic, ortherwise we would have those damn awkward silences..
Well, the date finally ended, she went to her home, I to mine. A couple of days later she went to her native country for summer vacations, but we still chatted over msn. I told her I was really sorry for being so dull and quiet, but she said it wasn't me, that it was her who was quiet. Hell no haha, it was all me.
A couple of months have passed and she returned. We chatted for another while, and then I asked her out on a second date. Fortunately, she said yes again, so we went for a walk in a park. This time I was more confortable and could talk a little more, but I still felt somewhat unconfortable. I suppose I was scared to make a fool out of myself and lose her. After that date, we went out one more time but with a group of friends.

Now is when I discovered this part of me which I hate. As I said before, I couldn't believe that a girl like her would date me, and I think I never got over that thought. So I started getting paranoid.. I kept thinking stuff like 'why would she date me when i'm being so boring', or (this is true, and it was a big deal for me) 'her previuos boyfriend had a personality which is the complete opposite of how i am, why the sudden change in her tastes?' , (this one is ****ing retarded...) 'is she doing this just to later laugh at me?' . Because of this paranoia of mine, I started to lose contact with her. I blocked her on my msn, didn't get her calls, etc. I felt like by doing that I'd be safe from whatever it is I was scared of. But I missed her, I missed her a lot. So to get over her I started a relationship online over msn and a mmporpg (this lasted about 3 months). I know realize that was a very stupid thing to do, because, of course, I got hurt (though surprisingly I didn't really feel it) when I broke up with this cyber-date (which was innevitable due to distances). I realized that the reason I started this relationship was because I missed the feeling of being with someone, of someone wanting me, but was too scared to do it in RL. After about a couple of months later, I decided to apologize to her (real life girl) for cutting all contact. I thought she'd hate me, but no, she said she'd forgive me if I promised I'd never leave her again. And so I did, I promised her I'd never do that again, only to do it a couple of months later...
The thing was, that I started to have this paranoic feelings again, and didn't know what to talk to her about. So then again... I cut all contact with her for a full year. After that year had passed, I returned to my native country feeling like shit for what I've done.

A few months after I had returned, I told one of my friends this whole story and he convinced me to try and talk to her again. So I send an e-mail apologizing and saying I'd like to talk to her again. She replied in five minutes.. saying that she couldn't believe iit and that she was actually crying (that killed me). So we start chatting again and I told her all the truth about how I loved (can I say love?) her and didn't have the balls to do anything. She said she also wanted to be with me, but we didn't get into a LDR. We stayed friends, but... I ****ING DID IT AGAIN!! Again I cut all contact with her because I was feeling some kind of fear, I don't know how to explain it, it just ****ing terrified me to talk to her. I wanted to, I really really wanted to, but couldn't..

After a few weeks I emailed her telling her how I felt awkward because of her past relationship, and how, if she liked me, it was only because she fell for my 'online self'. To top it off.. I wrote the e-mail making it sound so she would pity me or something(uncosciusly).. well that pissed her off. She told me what a crybaby I was, and if she dated me is because she liked ME, just me. Well, after that I didn't have the nerve to reply, so that's where it all ended.

It's been a year and a half since then.

My question to you guys is, why the hell was i feeling that way? what drove me to stay away from her? She was really nice to me, she forgave me twice for cutting contact.. she was the first girl who would date a shy, boring guy like me..
Am i scared of relationships? What is it?

And if I somehow manage to overcome this, should I try to talk to her again? (To be friends of course) or just to apologize..

Thanks

[Anemone]

What the hell? I don't know what happened... Please an administrator delete this topic :/ my post is on another one.

Sorry for the inconvinience.

Thanks for the welcome Vashti.

[Anemone]

This is the real post, I don't know why it got uploaded before. Sorry again.

[Junket]

You're not an asshole, you're just bein' dumb.

[Gigabitch]

You're an emotionally retarded goof, but not an asshole. What are you, a turtle? What kind of man runs from his fears?

IMO, you should definitely get back in touch with her, but not yet, because you'll only do it again and she'll curse you to the stars forever. First, you need to fix this broken mess that you call a psyche. Get your ass into therapy NOW and don't waste any time. Address your avoidance issues, make sure you will NEVER do that to any one, ever again.

Then email her a well-written, heartfelt apology with an explanation detailing what it's all about and a clear, convincing description of exactly how you've dealt with the problem. Tell her you are mortified but not looking for pity nor forgiveness (as what you did, repeatedly, was unforgivable), but another chance.

[CAM]

You're an emotionally retarded goof, but not an asshole. What are you, a turtle? What kind of man runs from his fears?

IMO, you should definitely get back in touch with her, but not yet, because you'll only do it again and she'll curse you to the stars forever. First, you need to fix this broken mess that you call a psyche. Get your ass into therapy NOW and don't waste any time. Address your avoidance issues, make sure you will NEVER do that to any one, ever again.

Then email her a well-written, heartfelt apology with an explanation detailing what it's all about and a clear, convincing description of exactly how you've dealt with the problem. Tell her you are mortified but not looking for pity nor forgiveness (as what you did, repeatedly, was unforgivable), but another chance.

I agree with the first part, Giga. He's not an asshole. He is emotionally immature and insecure.

The second part, I don't agree with. I think that one way of becoming more emotionally mature is to live with your mistakes! He screwed up. We all screw up. But over a year later...too late. Quit pining for her. If she meant that much, you would have done something about it already. You are now simply licking your wounds and learning nothing from your mistake.

I would view this differently if it was a matter of having a competitor for her heart and having done everything positive, you lost out. Hey, that can hurt alot. But, this isn't the case here.

Learn to live with your mistake and find someone else. That's the honorable thing to do.

[Jimmy1218]

You caught a shark and released it back to the wild...pitty.

[DoesntMatter]

Wow, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes, knowing I messed up a perfectly good opportunity to have a relationship. That's gotta suck.

You definitely want to talk to a doctor / psychologist about this and get yourself together and medicated.

[Jimmy1218]

LOL, i don't think any doctor's needed. Just don't make the same mistake again.

[DoesntMatter]

LOL, i don't think any doctor's needed. Just don't make the same mistake again.

It sounds like depression might be an underlying cause of his pessimistic thinking. That's why I said he should go to the doctors, get some happy pills

[Jimmy1218]

*Sigh*, like usual, the person who started this thread isn't reading the replies.

[Gigabitch]

*Sigh*, like usual, the person who started this thread isn't reading the replies.

Do you think he got scared and ran away?