How do I become un-attached? I sent her a letter...

[Tired]

First off, I went with my gut and against pretty much everyones advice and sent her the letter telling her everything. Exactly how I felt, what made me intrigued to spend time with her, what my intentions were, what they weren't, clearing up any misconceptions, addressing somethings from her past, pointing out how I interpreted her actions along the way. Admitting that I have a strong urge to see her and I'm disappointed in the fact that a working relationship is all we have. I said it all, wasn't too long but it said a lot. I haven't opened myself up to someone like that in a long long long time.

I got a handwritten response from her, somewhat lengthy but not too lengthy. Basically i'm a great guy, she likes me, shes become emotionally detached, shes sorry for misleadings, she knows it got confusing, she doesn't have the time/effort/energy to invest, she wants to keep talking to me at work but with no attachments, she doesn't want me to be mad or upset, she wants me to be ok with it all and everything be cool.

I don't regret writing the letter, it got me a solid answer after 6 months of back and forth. I'm glad she knows how I feel, I'm glad its all out there, not that many people affect me like she has and get me to open up so i wanted her to know.

I was asking for a friendship, not a relationship, and she didn't accept it which kind've makes me feel like crap. I don't understand why shes not even willing to be friends with me and communicate on a semi-regular basis away from work. At the same time i think she realized although i was willing to try a friendship i'd always want more.


MY PROBLEM
*****My problem is i'm attached now, I put everything I had into her for a LONG time and I can't just turn that off. I know I can't keep pursuing her now, she knows how i feel and she has every source available to contact me if the urge arises. Seeing her at work is up to me, I can work in a different area and avoid her altogether if I want to. I still want to see her, I don't want to never see her again but I'm very afraid if I keep seeing her everyday, talking with her, staring into her eyes, seeing her smile at me, etc...I'm NEVER gonna lose this urge i have to be with her. I want to see her but I know I can't keep feeling the way I do for her, I can't continue to want something I can never have. For 6 months I haven't even looked at another girl, I haven't wanted to and i've thought about this chick sooooooo much. I can't keep living like that.

I know the best thing to do is probably cut her off completely, just try and get over it unless she calls. I just like being around her and don't want to be done with her, I haven't opened up to anybody like this...reason i spill my guts so much on here is because I have nobody else I feel comfortable enough to do that with in reality and I'm there with her, shes the only exception in my life.

I just don't know what to do.

[boobaa]

You are in a point where you have to push yourself to detachment. I believe it is possible to get over while still seeing the person, its just the matter of self discipline. People can do it, buddists do it, vegans do it... While you accept the fact that she is indeed a very good and kind person, you have to realize that she doesn't need to be with you, and therefore, you don't need to be with her. Drop egoism. Don't try to think what she thinks, don't try to play games with her etc. Aknowledge that she is happier without you and you want her to be happy, right? If you can't do that, then she was never a right person for you, you are not in love, its only a bit of crush, its all in your head which can be swept away.
Right now you seem to be stuck in the situation where you don't look another girls. Just, why??? How many opportunities have you lost with that? How many good people have gone by? Don't waste time and don't let anyone else (she) waste your time also.

Come down to earth and face it, she is just another person, just like you are.

[Tired]

idk how many opportunities i've lost but at the time I just felt like i found the right thing and didn't feel the need...i was content and happy with what i had found. I don't regret expending the energy and effort i just wish the outcome was different ya kno....

I'm going to work in 3 hours and ever since i read her letter last night i just can't decide what the right thing for me to do is....to see her or not to see her. To just play it cool and act like it didn't happen and get to the weekend.

Theres no hostility and I can make it where its not awkward if i just talk to her like normal and carry the conversation because i'm sure she'll be a little nervous and unsure how i will react when she sees me next.

I'm just kinda scared about the future and being able to let go if i keep her around.

[vashti]

Don't pour salt into your wound. Stay away from her until you have moved on emotionally.

[GrkScorp]

I know the best thing to do is probably cut her off completely, just try and get over it unless she calls. I just like being around her and don't want to be done with her, I haven't opened up to anybody like this...reason i spill my guts so much on here is because I have nobody else I feel comfortable enough to do that with in reality and I'm there with her, shes the only exception in my life.

I just don't know what to do.

Hmm.., I didn't realize how disconnected I was from humanity.., until I read your post.., it just all seems like a process.., a combination of emotions that is preventing you from taking the action you need to take.., but at the same time.., to you.., all these emotions and feelings are very real..

The whole thing.., the thought of her.., falls over you and surrounds you like a silk prison.., it's not made out of iron.., you have the physical power to escape.., but not the emotional power or will to step outside of it.., at least you can bang your head against the iron bars.., but everytime you try and step outside.., the silk brushes against your skin.., and it feels so good.., so painful to be trapped inside.., but too good to escape just yet.., and so.., you find yourself stuck.., in this silk prison..

It won't be long however.., until you grow bored of the feeling of silk against your skin.., until you realize that you want more.., that the pain is just too much to bear.., and you gain the emotional strength now.., to escape that prison.., and as you do that now.., and you look back at it.., you almost wonder how you could allow yourself to be trapped by the inner workings of your emotions and imagination.., a prison of the mind.., not of reality..

The language you use to capture and account for the whole event shows just how you feel about it..

"I know the best thing to do is probably cut her off completely, just try and get over it unless she calls."

So.., you clearly know what you have to do.., now.., even though you know that.., you're also aware that for some reason that doesn't make any sense to you.., you would be willing to abandon that which you know you definitely must do now.., and feel that you would be willing to accept her back into your life in a heartbeat.., and for the moment.., that may be the case.., until you start to see for yourself.., just how much it doesn't make any sense.., for you to be open to the idea.., of accepting her back into your life..

"I haven't opened up to anybody like this"

Then.., you're aware of both the solution and the problem.., but again.., you fail to act on it now.., and it's not so much the case that you don't know anyone else in your life you can open up to.., so much as it is.., that you don't want to open up to the people you already know.., or the new people you'll meet when she's no longer a part of your life now.., before you start to open up to other people.., as you've done here on the forum.., try and think about why you don't find yourself opening up more..

We all understand what's going on here.., (all.., including you).., that you have not emotionally invested in others.., and then.., one person came along.., and for some reason.., you emotionally invested in them.., and now they left.., and you have nobody else in your life you have that type of connection with.., and again.., consider the reality of things.., is it really HER you should be chasing after.., to get that connection back? Or is it a change in yourself you should be looking for.., and connection in others already around you or perhaps in your near future that you should be more interested in now?

Best,

GrkScorp

[Tired]

GrkScorp, i know the right thing to do is to cut her out. I know it would help me quicker. Its a poor excuse but shes like a drug.....i'm not trying to compare a woman to a piece of meat but to make an analogy its like this....

I have a gorgeous, thick, warm, savory, delicious looking steak right in front of me and I can only have one bite, one piece. Even though you want the whole thing its still hard to not have that one bite.

I feel great when I'm with her, nobody in my life including my family makes me feel like she does by simply being around her. I'm extremely happy every time i'm with her and I don't want to give that up. I only have 5-15 minutes with her at work but i enjoy and look forward to that little bit of time. I need more though, and i'm never gonna be satisfied with how they are.

[Tired]

as far as work last night, when I went i didn't know whether to see her or avoid her. I went ahead and stayed back in her area. When she got there she went out of her way to find me, wave and say hey. I think she was curious to see if i would be around or if i would be gone, whether or not i would be mad about her response.

I talked to her, she was there a while, we had a good relaxed conversation she seemed genuinely very happy to talk to me and that i had stuck around. I told her before she left that I wasn't mad at her and wasn't going to be. She said in her letter she still wanted to see me at work and hoped that i wasn't mad or upset.

I don't understand why she still cares to see me at work, seems very happy to see me at work, but isn't willing to give me more time away. She doesn't want me to leave but shes unwilling to give me more time, she likes being around me apparently but how is she content with so little time and it being all at the workplace?

I still have this protective trait when it comes to her, in my mind yesterday i talked to her because i wanted her to be okay and feel comfortable....i still made it more about her feelings then mine.

I just don't understand why she is concerned about me leaving her at work but she doesn't care to see me away or even talk to me away from work.

[Mish]

MY PROBLEM
*****My problem is i'm attached now, I put everything I had into her for a LONG time and I can't just turn that off. I know I can't keep pursuing her now, she knows how i feel and she has every source available to contact me if the urge arises. Seeing her at work is up to me, I can work in a different area and avoid her altogether if I want to. I still want to see her, I don't want to never see her again but I'm very afraid if I keep seeing her everyday, talking with her, staring into her eyes, seeing her smile at me, etc...I'm NEVER gonna lose this urge i have to be with her. I want to see her but I know I can't keep feeling the way I do for her, I can't continue to want something I can never have. For 6 months I haven't even looked at another girl, I haven't wanted to and i've thought about this chick sooooooo much. I can't keep living like that.

I know the best thing to do is probably cut her off completely, just try and get over it unless she calls. I just like being around her and don't want to be done with her, I haven't opened up to anybody like this...reason i spill my guts so much on here is because I have nobody else I feel comfortable enough to do that with in reality and I'm there with her, shes the only exception in my life.

I just don't know what to do.

This is one of the reasons why I don't reveal my intentions and never "obvious". Situations like these require a keen intuition, which guide you where she's at without actually asking any questions or any revelation of interest. It can sometimes be like burning bridges, like shouting curses at people. You know, once it's said it can never be unsaid.

It looks like she was interested, but at some point she lost her interest. Perhaps you revealed too much interest in the beginning and made it too obvious (i.e. boring) or perhaps it was something personal to do with her. Whatever the reason was, there's not much you can do now so it's best to focus your mind elsewhere. Go out with friends, do some work out, watch comedies, play music and most importantly go out and try to meet someone new.

[Tired]

This is one of the reasons why I don't reveal my intentions and never "obvious". Situations like these require a keen intuition, which guide you where she's at without actually asking any questions or any revelation of interest. It can sometimes be like burning bridges, like shouting curses at people. You know, once it's said it can never be unsaid.

It looks like she was interested, but at some point she lost her interest. Perhaps you revealed too much interest in the beginning and made it too obvious (i.e. boring) or perhaps it was something personal to do with her. Whatever the reason was, there's not much you can do now so it's best to focus your mind elsewhere. Go out with friends, do some work out, watch comedies, play music and most importantly go out and try to meet someone new.

I workout everyday...that's what i do. Today i've already been and i'm about to go again (just got off work). That's the only time i can get my mind off this.

I don't really go "out" with friends unless its some type of athletic situation.

Anyway, even after trading letters I told her i may start working away from her because i have this urge to see her and want more then just being co-workers. Shes not willing to give me anything but she asks me and wants me to stay and work with her and talk to her....she likes me and thinks i'm a great genuine guy, she doesn't want me to leave....but shes not giving me anything.

It's like shes still indecisive, do you want to talk to me or not? If you don't care to spend any time with me away from work, if you won't let me communicate with you away from work then why ask me to stay around for you while at work. wtf....

i swear i'm not mad at her but i'm confused and frustrated. She looks so genuinely happy to be around me, i can see it in her eyes, she seeks me out, i'm pretty much the only one she'll talk to and then all this bullshit, what the hell. I don't want to talk to you but don't leave me and talk to me.

[vashti]

Tired, I believe she is just enjoying the fact that you have a big crush on her. It doesn't sound like she has your best interests in mind. I really think you should stay away from her. She can find someone else to feed her ego.

[Tired]

i don't think shes intentionally f'g with me, even thought thats kinda how its playing out.

I still think she enjoys being around me but is scared of getting attached herself. She doesn't want to take a risk or take a chance but she doesn't want to completely lose seeing me.

I'm sitting here like take the ****ing chance

its so hard for me to just say i give up on her, i know i need to...but its like i wanna give her the ultimatum without giving her an ultimatum

you want me around but your not willing to see me any other time, make up your mind one or the other. Either we can spend more time together or this is it, no more time together. I'm not asking for a committment, i've been very clear...just a little bit of communication away from work, lets SLOWLY build a friendship.

If you don't want to then fine, but don't ask me to stick around and you want me to be okay and fine with you at work and us still spend time together.

[Mish]

If I were you I'd take her somewhere private where it's just the two of us alone, talk to her and then go for a kiss. If she still wants to talk after that, I'd just keep trying

[Tired]

getting her to file some sexual harassment charge would definetly be one way to get me away from her

my mind frame is like, you like being around me, we have tons in common, you don't want me to leave you @ work...WTF, just give it a chance, i'm not asking for marriage or kids i'm just saying open up a little and lets be more than just co-workers, pen pals, myspace friends, phone buddies, i dont care.....i hate this working relationship crap we're in right now. Either give me something or let me go, don't ask me to stick around when your not giving me nothing.

She syas she doesn't want to get attached or have to put a lot of time and effort into anything....and thats not what i'm even asking her to do but its like shes stuck on that.

[Tired]

i can't get her out of my head, its worse now than it was before i wrote the letter and laid everything out there....cause i offered friendship and she didn't take it but yet she doesn't want me to leave her.

I think i have to say i can't see you anymore unless you give me SOMETHING, unless you give me some reason to stay, unless u allow this to progress some way i'm just gonna have to cut you out and never see you again. I can't deal with this shit no more. My brain is exhausted. ****

[vashti]

Quit Seeing Her. She Is Making You Crazy.