so confused. please help

[sashbey]

So my ex and I were friends for about 3 years before we got together. He had a girlfriend the whole time til about a year ago when they broke up. Well one night we were hanging out and ended up hooking up and pretty much went from friendship to relationship overnight. Well a few weeks ago he broke up with me bc he said he was at a point in his life that he didn't know what he wanted and didn't think it was a good time for him to have a serious girlfriend and didn't think it was fair to string me along bc he didn't want to hurt me. At this point we had been dating for about 4 months. I suggested taking a step back and actually dating for a while since neither of us were ready for us to be over. He really seemed to like the idea but we took a night to think about it. We decided that we were going to kinda do that. See what happens and if we ended up back together since we never had that dating time. Just friendship then relationship. We also decided that we were going to set some ground rules for in public since we weren't technically together anymore so we didn't need to act like it. The whole ground rule thing was mainly his idea but I just kinda went along with it. Well since then we've been txting everyday. Most of the time he iniates the conversations, which is a first bc most of the relationship I always texted him first. We've hung out a few times and each time he acted like we did when we were together. He always reaches over and grabs my hand or puts his arm around me. And it always ends in him pulling me back for a goodnight kiss (I always say bye and start walking away). I don't get it because he was the one that set the ground rules but he's the one that keeps breaking them. All of our friends keep saying that us breaking up was the stupidist thing ever since we were so perfect for each other. What should I do? He's honestly the most amazing guy I've known, even during our friendship, so I don't want to lose him. But I also don't want to wait around for him not to realize what he wants. He knows I love him and he says that he likes me more than I'll ever realize but isn't at the love point yet. And he also says that he never wants to do anything to hurt me. Do you think he just needs a little more time? Or does he want to have his cake and eat it to? Please help

[CocoChanel]

Yes he needs a little more time but he isn't doing anything that you don't allow him to do. It sounds like he has been straightforward with you. It seems like breaks all the rules he made because his feelings for you take control. Remind him that he said he doesn't want to hurt you and that he needs time to get himself together. Remind him of the rules he made. Then you need to enforce them. Don't let him kiss you or hold hands. Keep it friendly until he makes things official again.

[sashbey]

Well. We said that we were still going to be together just not a whole shouting to the world together thing. No relationship. So, at least to me, its like I can't say no to him. Like last night we were at a party together and ended up fooling around in the bathroom (neither of us had more than 2 beers so its wasn't a drunken hookup) But the kisses and everything had much more of an intinsity that wasn't there towards the end of the relationship. But that was the only time this whole "break" that there's been more than just a little peck for a goodnight kiss. I'm just afraid of telling him no and him taking it as me shooting him down. Since we did say that we were still going to be able to hold hands and kiss and all just not in public. But in my head him doing this stuff in public is almost like him coming to his senses. IDK I'm just confused bc I love him and don't want to risk losing him for good.

[CocoChanel]

Well one night we were hanging out and ended up hooking up and pretty much went from friendship to relationship overnight. Well a few weeks ago he broke up with me bc he said he was at a point in his life that he didn't know what he wanted and didn't think it was a good time for him to have a serious girlfriend and didn't think it was fair to string me along bc he didn't want to hurt me. At this point we had been dating for about 4 months. I suggested taking a step back and actually dating for a while since neither of us were ready for us to be over.

You're friends are right. You two breaking up was the stupidest thing ever. Why? Because you say you guys were friends for 3 years before you got together. After 4 months of being together... he breaks up with you for bullshit reasons. What I don't get is the "dating" thing.

To me dating is what people do when they are getting to know each other. If everything was go well and there is no one else in the picture... why would he think he would be stringing you along if you two continued? What life changing event happened that's now has him confused about what he wants in a relationship? And why would he make a rule about PDA?

I think this is odd. I think some of the Vet's of this forum should shed some light on this.

[sashbey]

Well for one. He's been working 2 jobs so he can pay his bills so he says that he's not giving me the time he wants to give me and that i deserve. I for one don't care that I don't get to see him as much as I'd like bc those times we did get to see each other were more special. He's also only been in 2 relationships and both ended with him getting hurt pretty bad. I've told him that I'm not like those other girls and that I would never hurt him.

He also asked if I loved him and I told him that i wasn't sure yet. Trying to keep things cool. (this was during the "breakup") but that I knew that I've never felt this way about anyone else and that I wanted to find out. He said that he wasn't there yet either and didn't know if he would ever reach there. Thats where everyone is calling bullshit bc those that have seen us together say its written all over our faces. His more than mine. And this is coming from mutual friends that were more his friends than mine. I mean. Is he trying to lie to both of us? Or is he just a good actor where he can make love radiate from his face? If you get what I mean.

[CocoChanel]

I get what you mean. That's why I see why you are having a hard time figuring this out. Is this just a case of "wanting to have his cake and eat it too" or what?! That's why I am hoping some of the older (in age) posters would shed some light on this post because this one is really tricky.

[sashbey]

Thanks. I feel that things are going in the right direction for us to just get over this stupid breakup thing. But I'm also terrified that he doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me. We hung out one night with a bunch of friends and he was insanely jealous acting bc of one of my good friends. This other guy and I flirt like crazy and have since the day we met. But he's like a little brother to me and I'm like his big sister. My ex knows how we are but has never shown jealousy towards him until now when I'm technically single. But if there are any veterans that see this that can shed some more insight I'd more than appreciate it.

[Bumble_bee]

I suspect he is hanghing for a FWB scenario....wants his cake and be eating it too.....

[Bumble_bee]

woops, Coco said that already! sorry, but it is a fitting metaphor...