Emotional manipulation, and learning to trust your own judgement once again.

[Amorrissey4]

Hi, this is my first post and I've read over the guidelines but forgive me if I break any etiquette or rules.

I broke up with my 2 year girlfriend last November. Since then, my life has been exceptionally turbulent, and I recently discovered I suffer from Anxiety and Depression, which I started treatment for about a week ago. Ill try to keep this as short as I can while still addressing everything, so I appreciate anyone with the patience to read this. My ex's name was Ozlem, or Oz for short. Oz was intelligent, strong, and fierce. She was also a control freak, ridiculously argumentative, and had deep seated anger issues she often took out on me. I was a strong person so I could always handle it, until other things in my life spun out of control and things got so unbearable between us we decided to call it a day. Since then I've had a lot of time to reflect on everything that happened, and I struggle with realising that I put up with way too much, and allowed her to get away with a lot more than I should have.

She would always take her anger out on me, either by saying horrible things, shouting for no reason, or when she was really mad, punching and kicking me. I've been in plenty of fights in my time, so the strikes never hurt physically. For most of our relationship, I was fine with her venting on me in that way. My hero complex must have been at play, because I knew how dependant she was on me and was almost happy to test my patience with her. I realise now that the way I handled the situation was a mistake. Whether it hurts or not isn't an issue, because hitting someone you're supposed to love just is just wrong. Almost a year later, i've realised that I couldn't see the things she was doing, because I was blinded by love. She ostracized me from a wonderful group of friends, that I neglected due to her own lack of social confidence and jealousy (I was always more socially confident than her, and she was extremely jealous of that). She would be impatient with my shortcomings of character (my forgetfulness, carelessness, my sense of humour) and then become extremely distressed and angry when I afforded her the same impatience, claiming that I 'needed to understand' why she was behaving in whatever particular way she was at the time.

And I did understand, I've always been competent at taking a balanced view on things, but we argued for so long and she was so unwavering in her own argument that I buried my better judgement and believed her, just for peace. What bothers me the most is that she most likely knew exactly what she was doing, and how I would react. Would this be considered emotional manipulation? That she exploited my hatred of conflict just to keep me in check and her in control? My heart, which I distrusted for so long, says yes. Everything that I have come to terms with about the relationship hurts like hell, but the feelings come from an honest place, and I'm tired of uncertainty. I'm just glad now that we're over. She lives in London and I in Glasgow so there isn't much chance of an accidental meeting.

I wanted to post here so that I could hear other people's experiences of situations like this, and how they dealt with them. As well as any and all opinions about it. Peace and love!

[melancholia]

First off, I would like to address your question posed toward the end of your post: Yes. She is manipulative, and she used manipulative tactics to hurt you, and to stay in control. However, manipulative behavior is a learned behavior, and most people do not intend to manipulate someone, in fact most of the time they are unaware that they are being manipulative at all. But, over time, their behavior and actions have been reinforced for long enough that the only way they know how to communicate and get what they want, is by manipulation. Manipulative behavior can manifest in many different ways (i.e. passive aggression, gas lighting, one-upmanship, criticism to gain control, intimidation, minimizing or exaggerating, etc.) The important thing to remember is that recognizing manipulative behavior is the first step in ending the cycle of abuse that you endured for so long. Some people can learn to change their behavior and not use manipulative tactics, but it takes a lot of work and self-development to be able to recognize that you're behavior is manipulative, and then to make changes to learn how to navigate relationships without it.

I have been in a similar situation to yours. Three years ago I left my ex of 5 years. We were in an extremely co-dependent, unhealthy relationship. I met him when I was 19 and he was 21. He was addicted to alcohol and oxycodone for almost the entirety of our relationship. He would display similar behaviors as you've described in your OP. He was extremely emotionally abusive to me. Then he would tell me he loved me more than anything, that he knew he didn't deserve me, but that he would be better so we could be happy, blah blah blah. I found myself doing the exact same thing you've done: created excuses for his behavior, minimized the abuse, talked myself out of how I truly felt in order to keep the peace or stay comfortable where I was, avoiding friends and family and activities that I used to love.... the fact is I was scared to be alone, more than I really loved him. I would sob myself to sleep on a regular basis, and I was so wrought with stress and emotional pain that I had severe chronic back and stomach pain for years. I went through years of tests, trying to find the source of this pain, but it turned out to be stress induced. Sometimes he would call me from an unknown location, sobbing to me on the phone, and telling me he was going to kill himself. More than once, I had to talk him out of it while on the phone with him and the suicide hotline. Sometimes our relationship was so bad that I would wake up some days and wish he would die, because it seemed like that would be easier for me to handle than having to leave him.

It took a long time for me to realize that a) I deserved better, and b) there's no shame in giving up on something that isn't fixable. I do have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I was diagnosed back in 2008, but I have dealt with anxiety my entire life. It's a soul crushing mental illness to have to deal with every single day, but it's possible. You can be a functional, healthy adult, and work through anxiety and depression at the same time. It sounds like you're reaching out to professionals, which is the best thing you can do. There's no quick fix for battling anxiety and depression, it takes a lot of work to heal that damage; but you can do it. If you put the work in, you can come out on top and feel good about yourself. Getting to a place where you aren't just making it through the day, but actually enjoying your life should be the ultimate goal for everyone. You deserve to be happy, and you can get there. Maybe something you could look into is finding out what your love language is, and what your attachment style is for relationships. There are free online quizzes you can take for both. Google free love language quiz, and take it. It will help you realize what your love language is, which means that when someone speaks your love language, it makes you feel secure, loved, and endeared to them. Then, Google attachment style & personalities. I'm not sure if there is an actual quiz or not, but there are 4 types of attachment styles and personalities to go with it. I think if you look into those, it might help you recognize some of the patterns you've been making in your previous relationships. The best way to recover from an abusive relationship, is through self-discovery. Only you have the power to change your life. I am pleased to hear that you've started the process. Keep in mind, that it's ok, and totally normal, to have set backs once in a while. You're human, and the journey to happiness and recovery is not linear. There will be ups and downs, periods of progress, regression, and plateaus... the beauty is in the journey, and hopefully you can get to a place where you can feel good about where you're at and how far you've come.

Best of luck to you!