Is he for real, what was I to him?

[Gingerhowell]

Okay. I will try and be brief. I was married. The marriage was over and in process for divorce. I was seeing a man who I adored and loved. He was great to me. Did wonderful things, rub my feet at pm, cook w me, for me, take care of me when I was sick and vice versa. I would sit and think of things to do for him to make him feel special bc I know it was hard on him waiting for my divorce nonsense. So he decides on a Monday he can't do our relationship anymore and by Thursday he was spending the night w a much younger girl. I'm 34. She's 25. He's 41. Anyway. I find out of course we were on a break but seems to me he wanted the break to explore younger options. So we get back together, he never really was up front about that night away a the girl. I found out several months later. This has been going on for almost a year. So he's dating me and unknown to me was dating her when I was at work or what ever. She works out of town so he basically had us both. Eventually when she got a new job he started seeing her full time and again ended it w me. I found out later why. He continued to call me and beg me to come see him for booty calls, which at time I went bc he was telling me they were no longer dating or taking a break and he loved me and wanted to try. Said we were "soul mates". So about 4 months ago he admits they are still together and be can't cheat on her anymore. I had no clue. (I live in another town). So I told him I was done, no more crying, and being rejected. I was done. He calls a few weeks back. They are officially broke up. Everyone knows it. Ask me to come see him. I do a few times then I find out the real truth....she was living a him, they did everything together. Things he had lied to me about including their sex life. I can't stomach it anymore. I leave again. He is now saying he wants us, it was my faulty he was even w her bc my divorce was taking forever. It was the most hurtful time of my life. My father died, my dog, I lost my home and when I would reach out to him he could not even talk to me. So what is this? What am I suppose to do? He's telling me its my fault I'm unhappy bc I won't come b w him. I was done a him months ago. Truth is I miss him so much. I do love him. But I think this person I lOve is not real. What was I to him? Why did he do all of this crap to me? Why did he make me think all these
Months we were gonna b together when he was a her? How can he tell me he loves me? He's never been faithful in a relationship. Never. I'm not a fool and think he could not be faithfUl with me, but I want to stop feeling guilty for not being a him and afraid I wont ever be happy like he says....please help me. :-(
PS as of right now we are not speaking or seeing each other.