Unrequited love or not

[Hard times]

Right I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier & I really have no idea where to start I might start talking total nonsense halfway through this thread but I somehow always have the need to explain things fully so others can understand & by the way this is about a girl (you might want to skip the first two paragraphs as It's just about me). First I'd like to tell you about myself I'm 20 years old about 5 "11" my mothers fully English & father fully Turkish they divorced when I was 2 I've been living with my mum since In Kent England while my Dad is now in London. I really love my mum the only person in the world I really do love she's poor (living on a council estate) not smart at all but really loving she's always been there for me. My dad is rich (mega rich like millionaire) but I hate him I think he took the oppurtunity for me to have a brother or sister my beating on my mum while they were together therefore I am an only child, he does have two sons from another relationship but they've never had to struggle like I have with no money so I class my self as very much alone.

I hate my dad for many other reasons I mean he never seemed like my dad I never felt that bond but we look very alike now I've grown up so that's hard to take. I don't see him or any of my Turkish family anymore which is massive by the way family that Is & I don't want to, they always try to call me & sometimes drive round but not knowing they're language & plenty of other uncomfortable situations in my past with them means I just wanna be left alone. I left my mum to work with my dad when I was 18 helping him run a mini supermarket but I couldn't stand It after 8 months so left much to his dissatisfaction. I was 19 by the time I came back & after having no great education or real good friends (either because I lost touch or they become junkies & stole money out of my house a few years previously) I completely Isolated myself from the world just staying In my council flat getting fat & spotty something I've never experienced before (I played football with a few old friends from school sometimes but that was about It). I simply played on my PC or playstation watching loads of sport & movies vowing to prove that I can make my own way through life & become rich If not richer then my dad but not doing anything about I didn't even bother looking for a job not because I don't like working but because I always thought I could devise a get rich quick scheme but I was always kidding myself. I sent In an application form to a nearby supermarket after a year of sitting about & the money I earned from my dad's shop ran out & to my surprise last christmas I started working at this supermarket that's where I found the girl of my dreams.

I won't mention her a name but she was there when I started & she was stunning I didn't see her much because we work on different departments but I'd always see her on Sunday as she'd be there checking stock on my department we would never talk unless professionally of course It's just be a hello . She talked to everybody having a laugh but not me as I suppose I've never been able to speak to girls, I wasn't intoxicated with her until the last few weeks when she's changed department to a department close to me where I now see her all the time but rushing about in her new role, still I can't pick up the courage to talk to her. I've always lacked confidence well only the last 5 or 6 six years or so, I used to have so many friends but never once a girlfriend not because I was ugly In fact I was quite a looker in my early teens lots of girls asked me out but I just didn't know how to be a boyfriend & never really fancied a girl that way, my independence was always key to me. I haven't had sex either although I know my mates have very young Of cousre I've felt the urge but I'm kind of addicted to porn which helps me out If you know what I mean. I know plenty of people think I'm gay all the people closest to me including my mum have never seen me with a girl (because I haven't been) so that's fair enough my mum's only mentioned It In a joking kind of way but I know she thinks It & a few girls at my school when I was about 15 said It In class "I think your'e gonna be gay when you grow up" which really pissed me off because I know I'm not. I think about sex all the time that's my problem I'm making It out to be such a big thing the coward In me just won't allow me to fail I've never been out with my mates to a club even although they've asked loads. I can't stand failing so I don't try because I'm almost certain to fail well at least that's what my head tells me.

But this girl for the first time In my life feels like I could have a relationship with she's always happy she's beautiful, smart & after seeing pictures of her at university online I can't get her out of my head. Her face Is In my head when I wake to the the 5mins before I go to bed I just don't know how to approach It I've never needed anyone I've always felt comfortable alone In my own compnay but know I've had enough. My friends & my mum know I'm shy in some ways but they they don't have a clue how bad It Is them think I'm a strong person(I think) who never gets depressed but I'm not I've had suicidal thoughts for so many years but no one has the smallest of a clue as I give off this humorous mask covering all my problems. I feel so so alone I finish working (I only do 4 days a week) & I watch a movie or play games then go bed & until I have to work again I'm good at my job they've already asked me to train to be a manager but my cowardice rejected It so I carry on In this lonely spiral of non existence no future & most painfully of all no companion. I see this girl as the answer to my problems she's everything I've always wanted although I've never wanted . As I said I'm know not ugly ugly or obese but kinda weird looking I feel like blowing by brains out to get her image out of my head I'm crying as I'm typing right now my life Is terrible although It could be great at least in terms of financially with my dad but I hate him & will never ever go back money doesn't drive me. I can't leave my mum either although she's met her soul-mate after so many bastards. How should I approach the girl of my dreams I have no idea I'm such a massive coward just saying hello to someone is a big chore for me I can't just go up to her & let out all these feelings we've hardly talked before. She's also from up north Newcastle with a geordie accent & a few years older then me but she does look very very young her face that Is, she's really skinny(I usually like bigger girls) & about the same height as me she's perfect. She went to a university In Scotland so I wonder what she's doing down south In Kent working In a supermarket when she could be In her hometown working In a supermarket. It could just be for a short term meaning she could be gone forever returning to Newcastle then university then out of my life. The likely explanation Is she's down here with a boyfriend but the few times I've seen her In the store when she's just doing shopping I haven't seen her with one. The one thing that keeps me going Is she has made an effort to talk to me on a few occasions & once when she was shopping she was in the store & gave me this look I'll never forget she was nervous almost like I"Is he impressed with how I like when I'm not at work" although she's probably nervous cause she thinks I'm a weirdo.

I feel so inferior to her, looks my non looks, she drives I don't, she's always happy I'm not, she has loads of friends & get's on with people so well I struggle socially & of course I never went to university she did she has a future. Any reply Is a bonus I don't know which way to turn right now I need major help I'm too much of a coward to kill myself I wish I wasn't. Even the girls I really like the look of I simply cannot look at I feel like I'm being unfaithful & to be honest I don't fancy any girl I'm a frustrated virgin you could put all the most beautiful women In the world in front of me & I'd rather die alone then without this girl. I know deep down If I don't do something here I will never ever get a girlfriend because she'll always be In my head. This may not sound like a big deal but for me It's the first time I've cared about anyone other then my mum, do I go up to her or not? do I die alone with nothing doing a 9-5 or at least trying to get this wonder girl.

[IndiReloaded]

She's not the answer to your problems.

Go to university, get a car, find a GF to love. Then we'll see how you feel about this girl.

[Hard times]

When I mentioned She's the answer to my problems I didn't really mean It like that, I knew people would perceive this as being extremely shallow & immature. I meant more along the lines of my problems would be unimportant unnecessary If I just had one bright spark, the problems I have are only problems because It will not allow me to be with this girl. I never panicked about my life as much as I am now, before I fell for this girl, I'm just desperate to live up to her expectations although I have no idea what are they are or even If she has any.