Dating Two Guys...

[jessicaF7]

So... as you can see by the title, I've gotten myself into quite the situation.
What happened is, I was dating this AMAZING guy exclusively for about six months. Then one day he flipped out out of nowhere and broke up with me, telling me that he thought I cheated on him. (I hadn't) Anyway, after him, I suddenly found sparks with one of my super close friends. We had so much chemistry, and started hanging out/messing around all the time. A month into it, the ex begs me to hang out with him one night, so I do, and he begs me to forgive him. So, still having a weakness for him... I accepted. However, both in fear of him dumping me again and also having developed incredibly strong feelings for my "friend", I kept seeing my friend too. Next thing I knew, I was dating both of them. Initially, it wasn't a big deal though because neither of us had said anything about being exclusive and none of them had professed their love to me or anything, so it was all fair in the game.
Until this week. Ironically, in this same week both of them told me that they want to be exclusive with me... I told them that I need to sort some things out, that I wasn't ready yet. But the thing is, I really do just want to be exclusive with someone, I am just wondering... how do you decide??? I realize that there is a time limit to the whole dating around thing and that I need to now make some sort of decision. it's been three months now that I've been dating them both, but i am still equally torn. Help!!!!

[ecojeanne]

new guy, choose him. your ex broke up with you, i'm a firm believer that one should never go back, it's never the same and never as fullfilling, just my thoughts

[starbuck]

Is it choose or lose? Or can you keep dating them both for a little longer? I'm not sure there's a hard and fast time limit. It's really up to you.

Honestly though, if it's that hard of a decision to make, maybe neither one is right for you. With my boyfriend, I knew I wanted exclusivity with him after the third date! If another guy had come into the picture, I liked my boyfriend so much, the other guy would probably not have stood a chance.

If you must choose, I agree with Eco. Don't go with the guy who broke up with you. He sounds too possessive.

[alovehangoverr]

This decision shouldn't be as hard as you're making it. Realistically, you like one more than the other.. now you just have to admit it.

If you can't do that, then I'd agree with the above and suggest that neither is really right for you. Trust me, when you're with someone you want to be exclusive with-- you know.

[RedRoses]

If your having sex with both of them, than that's rather skanky if you ask me. But the ex broke up with you for no reason, how do you know he won't do it again? The new guy has yet to do anything to you, so he deserves a fair chance.

[jessicaF7]

thanks for the feedback! i understand where some of you are coming from about choosing neither one. I had a feeling that would be the general response as it's also what I would say, looking in from the outside. This situation really just kind of happened... and u have no idea how difficult it is to walk away from when u get tangled into it. I really started to care deeply about BOTH of them. But let me just add that nope I'm not sleeping with both of them... I think i'd be physically incapable of doing that, how tiring :-P
Yes, ex did dump me before. I think the fact that he did that is why I never went back into things with him full-force and exclusive again. But he really is such a great catch, he is incredibly sweet, smart, responsible, funny and very successful.
Friend has his downsides too. We've been close friends for years, and I know him very well and that he is a total playboy. He has only been in love once, and he was exclusive then... but everyone else was just play. But he and I just click so well together, we could spend a whole day stuck in an elevator together and not have a dull moment. And the physical chemistry between us is just... wow.
Anyway, I'm starting to think you guys are right, and neither one may be the answer. But let's see if I really am able to do that.

Oh, and on another note, I do believe that guys do this stuff all the time... so why can't we girls do it, too?

[alovehangoverr]

thanks for the feedback! i understand where some of you are coming from about choosing neither one. I had a feeling that would be the general response as it's also what I would say, looking in from the outside. This situation really just kind of happened... and u have no idea how difficult it is to walk away from when u get tangled into it. I really started to care deeply about BOTH of them. But let me just add that nope I'm not sleeping with both of them... I think i'd be physically incapable of doing that, how tiring :-P
Yes, ex did dump me before. I think the fact that he did that is why I never went back into things with him full-force and exclusive again. But he really is such a great catch, he is incredibly sweet, smart, responsible, funny and very successful.
Friend has his downsides too. We've been close friends for years, and I know him very well and that he is a total playboy. He has only been in love once, and he was exclusive then... but everyone else was just play. But he and I just click so well together, we could spend a whole day stuck in an elevator together and not have a dull moment. And the physical chemistry between us is just... wow.
Anyway, I'm starting to think you guys are right, and neither one may be the answer. But let's see if I really am able to do that.

Oh, and on another note, I do believe that guys do this stuff all the time... so why can't we girls do it, too?

It's not about what guys do or what girls do-- it's about how you behave in a casual dating situation.

Do either of these guys know about each other? They probably should. If you were really casually dating, why not be honest with both of them instead of having quasi-relationships with either of them?

If they don't know about each other.. my guess is if you told him they'd bail. Especially the ex who dumped you for thinking you were cheating on him.

I guess it's mostly my personal opinion-- but seriously, not being open about dating multiple people is just shady.

[jessicaF7]

They do know that we are not exclusive or committed at the time. I have been honest with both of them that we are casually dating. They don't know about each other specifically, I don't feel it's their business to know WHO i'm dating; and likewise I don't ask either of them as I'm sure they date too. The problem arose this week when both of them asked me if I was willing to be exclusive. Oddly within a two day time-span of each other. I told both of them I need to figure things out.

[vashti]

I have no problem with your dating them both at the same time because you have been honest about it... There is absolutely no reason you should feel bad about it. If they didn't like the arrangement, they were free to walk.

Now that they are both wanting exclusivity, of course, you will either have to choose one, or continue to be honest about the fact that you can't be exclusive, in which case, one of them may make the decision for you.

[IndiReloaded]

Agree with Vash in theory, but I don't believe this for a second:

Anyway, after him, I suddenly found sparks with one of my super close friends. We had so much chemistry, and started hanging out/messing around all the time.

Just suddenly? I'd bet the reason your original guy broke it off w/you was b/c you were playing both sides of the game?

[Henry123]

I think is partially because its society that cant accept it. The other part of course being the two guys (shhhhh....unless they are cool with each other and buddy buddy. They have to like each other in order for this to happen).

[Peter Pry]

There is no reason, aside from standardized societal expectations of monogamy, that you can't continue to date them both, or even have loving perpetual relationships with them both if the relationships are absolutely open and honest and everyone agrees to the arrangement.

I have a serious problem with "you must love one of them more, so just choose that one," because it assumes facts not in evidence (that you love one more than the other) and imposes an expectation that you can and must hurt someone that you do love.

You've been honest with them thus far; how do you think they would react to continued open and honest, responsible nonmonogamy? Tell each who the other person is, promise not to start any further romantic connections (if necessary), and if they can deal with it, have relationships with both.

Responsible nonmonogamy isn't for everyone, or even for most people, but it is for some.

[Lite]

Invite them both over, get them drunk, have them spit-roast you.

No seriously, you're going to have to choose between one of them. If it were me, I'd not choose the one who flipped out and accused you of cheating on him. He obviously has insecurity issues, and probably an anger management one as well.

[ofala]

I really would like you to try and keep certain things in mind when deciding to stick the 'right person' .Ask yourself if you will be able to keep faith to your 'chosen partner'.i really suggest that you make up your mind fast because the best thing that will happen to someone and you too is to love and know that you are loved exclusively.There are things you need to look out for while you make up your mind.Get great insights below

[jessicaF7]

Agree with Vash in theory, but I don't believe this for a second:



Just suddenly? I'd bet the reason your original guy broke it off w/you was b/c you were playing both sides of the game?

Ha I can see how ur thinking but, not the case. The ex really did dump me out of nowhere. I never messed around on him and his accusations really shocked/hurt me. I developed feelings for my friend after my ex dumped me. My friend asked me if he could take me to a hockey game to cheer me up because I was really sad about my break up. I went with him. It was on that date that I suddenly felt sparks for the first time.. and they haven't left since.