Advice about a military man...

[marshmallow107]

Hi!

This is my first time posting here, but I've seen some great advice going on!

So, this is a pretty unique situation that I could do with some advice on. I recently got 'set up' with somebody who works in the military. We dated for a couple of months and it was brilliant! He was a true gentleman, always told me how wonderful he thought I was and treated me exactly how I'd always hoped somebody would!

Then, we had to spend a month apart between him working away and me going on holiday. In that time, his job changed and he was relocated. Everything was a bit up in the air. He wasn't sure when or how often he would be home anymore and kept telling me how stressed out he was by everything, so he said he felt he needed to end it. I was so shocked and obviously pretty gutted. I told him that I thought it could work, but he just kept saying how he wouldn't be able to give me the time I deserved and do the job at the same time. That all of his previous relationships had broken down because of his job (including his marriage). So even though it's not what I wanted I tried to accept it and move on...that was about a month ago.

But, I then spoke to him over the weekend and it turns out he doesn't enjoy his job as much as I thought. He said that he was hating it at the moment and was seriously considering giving it all up. He said that was why he's been so stressed out, because he needs to figure out what to do. He said he just didn't know if it was worth missing out on everything he's giving up for a job he doesn't enjoy anymore. I told him that he just needs to do whatever makes him happy, that maybe he should give it more time, but he said he's given it years and it's getting no better.

I'm giving him space to make the decision alone (of course!) but I guess the question I'm wondering is whether this means there could be a chance for us after all? I can't help but feel that he wouldn't have ended it if he felt strongly enough about me, but then at the same time I can sort of see where he's coming from too. I also am sort of pleased that I'm not with him through this decision because I would never want people to think that I had been the one to make him leave!! Any opinions?!

[michelle23]

I think you should move on regardless of the decision he makes. Its easy to blame your job or some other external factor for all your failed relationships but you only know one side of the story.. if he didnt leave the military for his wife-then its very unlikely he will leave for you. Hes too wishy washy and I wouldnt trust him

[marshmallow107]

I think you should move on regardless of the decision he makes. Its easy to blame your job or some other external factor for all your failed relationships but you only know one side of the story.. if he didnt leave the military for his wife-then its very unlikely he will leave for you. Hes too wishy washy and I wouldnt trust him

Oh gosh, I would never expect him to leave the job 'for me'. To be honest I was shocked when he said he was seriously considering it. I honestly thought he loved the job. He's not personally told me the reason for his failed marriage, but we have a mutual friend who tells me that he really tried to make it work, but one day (after the second time round of trying to make it work) he returned home and she had just disappeared - taken all of her stuff and left. Turns out she couldn't cope with it and ran into the arms of somebody else.

From what he's said to our friend, he said that when he started seeing me he really liked me a lot and felt he was ready to start a relationship with me because he was expecting to be home for a lot longer. We were able to see each other every weekend and be in touch during the week. But when his job and base changed, he knew he wouldn't be able to see me as often and he didn't want to have to always let me down because apparently that wasn't fair on me. I personally think he expected things to head in the same direction as it did with his ex, but we hadn't spent enough time together for him to know how I would react or really give me the chance. He just shut me out the minute he saw things heading in the same direction.

And the more time I have to think about it, the more I wonder whether it could have worked. I liked him more than enough to try, but I know it would have been really hard. But now this has come to light it's made me wonder what on earth is going through his head after all. It's a huge decision to make and he sounded deadly serious. He's considered all of his options and basically apologised for pushing me away but that it was a decision he needed some time and space to think about.