Wondering why I'm numb?

[cmacattack1]

I have had 4 wonderful girls in my life in the last seven years (starting with my girlfriend in high school) but after the honeymoon first couple months of a relationship wears off, I just become a completely different person. My attention for them goes from 100 percent to not caring anymore and the relationship slowly sinks. I used to care about them, they are great girls but when it gets to that point, it's like they don't matter to me anymore. I concentrate on partying, spending time with my friends, I don't call them every day and basically don't even give them the bare minimum. I consciously know that at this rate the relationships will deteriorate but it's like I don't care if they do. I just wait for the day they get tired of it and break up with me. Why do I drag women through the mud like this? It's selfish and it's manipulative knowing that they are in love with me and I don't feel the same way while hoping that more feelings will develop but they never do. I mean I do not want to end up alone for the rest of my life, and I have alot to give and I want to give it, but that feeling is only temporary.

I think an important part of this is that with every girl it has always happened with them liking me first alot more than I like them. They would more or less come to me and I really did not have to put that much effort in. With each relationship, we have started off with lots of sex, cuddling, attention, etc. As that fades away on my part, this leaves all my girlfriends wondering and confused but I don't have an answer for them. I stop caring if we have sex or not and they usually initiate it. I feel depressed and they can tell that I'm not happy and myself and alot of the times they blame themselves even though I keep telling them it has nothing to do with them.

My mom raised me as a single mother while her boyfriends at the time kind of played a father role (not very well). Each of those relationships were destructive with lots of lying, manipulating, my mom getting cheated on, stalked, etc. She's kind of a control freak herself as she has attempted to micromanage every aspect of my life to the point where I don't even have the confidence in myself to get the job done. But anyway she has finally settled on a decent guy about ten years ago, and they have been together since though she has told me on many occasions that she doesn't feel in love with him but as she nears 60, I think she feels this is it for her. I'm wondering if this is why I have no confidence or feeling for love and do not feel that it's possible for me to feel that way about somebody else.

I think the closest I've gotten to that is my last girlfriend, the one who I have dubbed my first love even though I'm not sure she is or not. It lasted 8 months, and the unhappiness started building around month 4. We had our great times at the beginning, celebrated month anniversaries, had lots of fun and did lots of cool things. It slowly went downhill, I was unhappy, and quiet and distant when she would try to do all these great things to make me happy and feel better. I would in a way self destruct the relationship and create problems when their previously was none. It's like I didn't think I deserved it. She like the others took my emotional abuse (withholding my emotions from them) for a couple months but finally kicked me to the curb about 5 months ago. I felt a pain that I have never ever felt before. Couldn't eat, vomiting, all that good stuff. She felt this pain during our relationship and she would cry to me on the phone asking why this was happening and I just swept it under the rug and didn't listen to her. When she finally dumped me, it was like now I cared. Now it mattered. I made every single mistake and panic move in the book. Cried, wrote letters, said I changed. Complete emotional nuclear holocaust. It worked on past girlfriends who I treated much worse than her, but it just pushed her away and pissed her more off because of how selfish I was being. Eventually she got a new boyfriend and they are currently dating today.

This was the turning point in my life as I was seemingly just looking for a good time with no thought or look to the future. It has helped me regain my focus, direction and the lessons have finally sunk in. This is when I finally tried to find out why I was doing these things and learn about myself and work on my self awareness. I have made all the stupid mistakes over and over in relationships before and I think I finally have figured out how to treat a woman right and give them what they need, but if the feelings not there, how long can I hold up that charade? Won't it just be another temporary thing and disappear?

I'm now 23, out of undergrad college, and trying to pursue another 4 years of school as a pharmacist. Living at home and taking classes when I'm used to having alot of fun and good times with my friends is not exactly making me feel any better. Plus, now that I want a relationship, I'm entering kind of uncharted territory for me. I have to actually ask them out on a date and be witty and funny without involving booze. It was a big comfort zone for me from college and a very negative part of my life I am trying to get away from. That is what a mature relationship is all about, right? I have gone on a few but they haven't gone as well as hoped. What seemingly came easy for me when I didn't care what happened is not all the sudden left me self conscious, awkward and nervous. I should just be myself but I guess my ex dumping me has left my self esteem and confidence at rock bottom and now I try too hard to impress.

I should be happy having direction in life towards a promising career, but it seems the fact that I will be almost 30 by the time I'm able to stand on my own two feet is kind of depressing. As the girls around me are maturing and wanting more from a man than just personality and a good time and friends of mine are getting engaged/married already, I can't help but feel depressed that I am going to have to wait that long before I can have a self sufficient relationship and be able to provide the security for a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Anyways, I guess I just wanted to rant. Real sunshine coming out of my ass right? I want to believe that I'm a good person at my core because I have obliviously fallen ass first into relationships with great girls and I must have something going for me if they all fell head over heels and wanting to marry me. I guess I'm just lost and confused as to why things aren't working out and since I'm the one aspect that is in common with all of my failures, I want to go right to the root of the problem.

Reply if you feel like it. Or don't. I guess it feels good to talk about it or something.

[lahnnabell]

I firmly believe that everyone is a good person. Many of us lose our way though. We become distracted by all the bright shiny objects we want to own. We use sex, drugs, and alcohol to numb the pain of feeling alone in the world. Truth is, you're not alone. Everyone feels this way at some point. The trick is to remember that those moments pass and give way to bigger moments of clarity and understanding.

Your girlfriend made mistakes herself, you know. I'll explain. Catering to your sourpuss attitude was a poor decision based on her inexperience. In the end she did right by breaking up with you, as you know. Over time and after making a few more mistakes she'll realize that her existence is not wrapped in her relationship with another human being. She is her own being with her own life. Should you find yourself becoming disinterested, a woman confident in herself will leave you to your own devices. She'll say, "Oh, he's not interested in spending time with me? Well, I guess I'll go do something fun."

Most women will spend hours pouring over the possible reasons their boyfriend has become unresponsive. She'll pester him with worries and insecurities. She'll need him to constantly remind her that everything is OK. This is no way to live. A person seeking this type of attention will never feel fulfilled. I know this because I've been there, and it got me shitty results.

You want a partner. An equal who can handle her own and not come running to you for every reassurance. You're not numb, but your standards for yourself and your romantic interest have risen significantly. There is nothing wrong with that.

[starbuck]

CMA, 23 to 30 is a long time. Anything can happen and not all women want to settle down at 25. I also know alot of couples who met in grad school when neither one of them had a dime.

I don't think all women would overlook the fact that you obviously have goals, and you know who you are. If you're not exactly there yet, so what? Ambition is half the battle.

[red_sparrow]

I don't get it.

I've never felt alone in the world. Nor did I need to numb myself. I use drugs as gateways to the netherworld of the mind, and to relate to myself and the world in a new and interesting way.

[red_sparrow]

CMA, 23 to 30 is a long time. Anything can happen and not all women want to settle down at 25. I also know alot of couples who met in grad school when neither one of them had a dime.

I don't think all women would overlook the fact that you obviously have goals, and you know who you are. If you're not exactly there yet, so what? Ambition is half the battle.

i certainly don't want to settle down by 25. the thought frightens me..

[xxazurexx]

Wonder what happened to CMA......I used to enjoy his posts and good advice.

[Aniphilia]

When I read that I made a connection with someone I know whos mother micro manages still even though their child is 35. Unless Im blowing this all way out of proportion and trying to give to much benefit of the doubt than I could be right in thinking that a son growing up micromanaged is going to have some serious relationship misgivings.
At my community college there is free counseling. maybe your college has some? Or you can find one that operates on a sliding fee scale? I am going to make an appointment with mine.
Do some research and keep an open mind.
And just because your in school doesnt mean your wont find the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. People meet at work, school, their neighborhood, public venues, through friends, all over. So take it easy.
Trust your process. If you can, move out of your parents even if you have to rent out a room or house share. I think that will help tremendously from what I have seen. Its a big self confidence booster.
I hope some of this is helpful. :/

[HeartIsAching]

When I read that I made a connection with someone I know whos mother micro manages still even though their child is 35. Unless Im blowing this all way out of proportion and trying to give to much benefit of the doubt than I could be right in thinking that a son growing up micromanaged is going to have some serious relationship misgivings.

Actually, not just relationship issues - a child that is reared having every decision made for them, having every aspect of their life controlled will grow up with no confidence in their own decision-making abilities. They will by definition be a follower and not a leader.

My ex and I try very hard to give our son as much autonomy as we can. He decides when it's safe to cross the street. He chooses what he wants to eat for breakfast, and what goes into his lunchbox (within reason), he picks out his own clothes in the morning. I give him a BIT of guidance there - I check the weather for him and let him know if it's going to be cold or warm, or rainy, etc. It's weird to see - because of this he's a natural leader. He walks into his afterschool care and kids are yelling his name and rushing up to greet him. Kids want his attention when we're out. He's not an arrogant little prick, he's just gregarious, smart and funny, and doesn't like to follow.

This paragraph:

My mom raised me as a single mother while her boyfriends at the time kind of played a father role (not very well). Each of those relationships were destructive with lots of lying, manipulating, my mom getting cheated on, stalked, etc. She's kind of a control freak herself as she has attempted to micromanage every aspect of my life to the point where I don't even have the confidence in myself to get the job done. But anyway she has finally settled on a decent guy about ten years ago, and they have been together since though she has told me on many occasions that she doesn't feel in love with him but as she nears 60, I think she feels this is it for her. I'm wondering if this is why I have no confidence or feeling for love and do not feel that it's possible for me to feel that way about somebody else.

is the root of the OP's relationship issues. It's not really his mom's fault, but what he learned as a kid, what he was socialized to believe is that relationships don't last very long, men are lying, manipulating, womanizing abusers and not to be trusted... and he also learned that the woman's role in this is to take it. Very sad.