I've Made a Mess!

[221bBakerStreet]

I hope it's okay if I post the same thread in two forums. I posted this in the Ask a Man forum first, but then I looked at the numbers, and it looks like a LOT more people read this one than that one. So I am posting it here, too, strictly for exposure purposes, in the hopes that someone will be able to help me.



Man, have I got myself up you-know-what Creek. I don't know what to do or how to get out of it. PLEASE, someone tell me how to handle this! Let me see if I can accurately explain this situation. Here's the story:

I met my current best friend a year ago, and he and I (I'm a woman!) hit it off immediately. We've been together every single day, almost all day, ever since. We have no secrets from each other, pretty much our own language that no one else ever understands, and we've effectively drawn a circle around just the two of us that even our closest friends can't break into.

Back when I first met him, he was trying to go out with me. The first night we hung out together with mutual friends, he called me after we were both at home and said, "I think you're wonderful, and I want you. You've got a brain, and you use it, and I want to be with you." I told him that I wasn't ready for or into that just yet, and that I needed some time. So he stopped trying, and we've been strictly platonic ever since.

My problem is that now, I am stuck in a situation where I am practically this man's wife, but I have no title and no standing in his life. We spend every waking, non-at-work, moment together. We help each other with everything, and spend about 40 hours a week just sitting and talking, alone. We just UNDERSTAND each other. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly of the past 12 months, it's been Us Against the World. Car trouble, changing jobs, moving, other friends coming and going, problems in our families. We're also co-parents to a puppy we've adopted together.

He had a short, fubar relationship that ended a couple months ago, largely because there just isn't ROOM in his life for me and a gf, and the same goes for me and any bf's I might attempt. I mean, who wants to have a boyfriend who's ALWAYS with another chick, or on the phone with her when he's not? I told him back when his relationship was circling the drain that a big part of the problem was ME, and he said I was wrong. But I don't think I was--one woman to another, I used to see the look on her face when she showed up at her boyfriend's house and ONCE AGAIN, there I was. And what's more, when I tried to excuse myself, he would leave with ME.

Anyway, my problem now is that I am starting to feel crowded. I'd like to be in a relationship, but like I said, it's tough. Any men I meet or know see me with him all the time and back off, and it's tough to get away from him, even for one day. I don't mean that in a bad way, only that no matter where the two of us are, or the space between us, we almost always gravitate back to each other, and we tend to be possessive and clingy where the other is involved. I.E., he goes out of town for family reunions and graduations and calls me 12+ times a day, every day (Not exaggerating, either!). And it's the most natural thing in the world! Anyone else who did that would get a restraining order served. Him--I'd be pissed if he DIDN'T call!

It has occurred to me that I should, out of convenience, just date HIM. However, lately, every time I bring it up as a possibility, I get almost NO response from him, and certainly no action on it. Now my feelings are hurt that he used to be interested in me, and now he's not. Where did I lose him?

It also hurts me that he seems to always be making out with and kissing (and other stuff!) ugly, loser women. I mean, women that HE is even embarassed to admit he hooked up with. It's like he doesn't think he can do any better. Oddly enough, it's not jealousy I feel over any of these women (not even the gf!). Why should I be jealous? When I crook my finger he leaves them cold and comes running to me.

So now, I don't know how to get out of this. I can't lead him by the nose any more than I have already, and I don't want to make a fool of myself if he just isn't interested. And I don't want to lose my best friend. I've also tried putting some distance between us--weaning myself off of him and trying to ignore some of his calls and not be at his house all the time, trying to find other people to hang out with, getting hobbies that keep me busy--but it's like deep-sea diving in a raincoat; the Atlantic Ocean couldn't put distance between us. While I do these things, he's blowing my phone up and knocking on my door, and I am counting the minutes till I can get back to him.

I keep telling myself just to get over it, be his friend, and stop thinking of anything else, but he monopolizes ALL my time and I feel like I've EARNED a second look from him.

Please tell me what to do, men. I SO need your help on this one. Someone please point me in the right direction. What's going on here???

[Ellynn]

You need to figure out what you really want... Do you like him as more then a friend? Do you want to be with him... If so, you need to let him know that... And instead of letting it go after he goes silent....give him an ultimatum.. Either he wants to date you and you are together....or hes gonna have to give you space so you both can date other people.

I think u like the attention hes giving you... Hey, I don't blame you, its nice to feel important to someone.. But, if you want more, then your gonna have to stand up for yourself... Let him know that if he doesn't want to be with you, that he needs to move on and give you some distance. SAME goes for if you don't wanna be with him... You guys need to put some distance between the two of you...

The only way to change things is to put your foot down... Otherwise your gonna be dealing with this for a long long time...