Fling finally dumped me after 2 years

[bingobirdman]

don't expect any sympathy.

I dated a girl for 2 years at work, but it was a fling, however it grew to a weird relationship were we rarely hung out outside of work (due to me being in a controlling and unhappy marriage). I obsessively lied to the fling for years making excuse after excuse for not (meeting my parents, going to my home, spending holidays/weekend/date nights together) and it went on. She obviously questioned it through out the years but believed my lies. I told her I rented a room with a craigslsit family and was a home body due to my social anxiety and had no family in america. All lies of course, I was really a full family man (wife and 3 year old son) who went on vacations almost every weekend. I was in a unhappy marriage and was not trusted (as i shouldn't be). But never considered a divorce because i loved our son and family (only for the first few weeks of dating the fling) did I have a talk with wife about how I was unhappy. But after that I never once made an effort to hangout with fling outside of work due to fear of getting caught, I was caught 3 months into relationship, where both woman talked to each other and exchanged words. But I lied myself out of that too. Even after this, the fling thought I lived alone. Keep in mind the gf was 20x better looking than wife....

The fling did love me, I was her first bf. But I just lied and lied. All she wanted me to do was have divorce finalized (she thought i was separated) and after 2 years of waiting, a rumor about me at work triggered a huge argument and stress for both of us, this reached boiling point and she finally decided our relationship wasn't real since we never had date nights, met parents and never did the divorce from "separated" wife. I lied and said I did do divorce papers last week. But it was too late for her. She slipped away everyday after days of me not texting her. We finally became friends a week later but after a heated argument at lunch she said enough. Her parents hated the fact that I presented false divorce paperwork at the 6 month mark, since then never liked me but did invite me for latest holidays, I even turned down a new years with fling where she bought tickets to amusement park and ended up taking sister instead. because I made another excuse. I know I am a scumbag, but I did a lot for her family who lives overseas. Lent over 1.5k in money, give rides, presents, etc...She finally said she sick of waiting and hated the fact that I had a son who would be getting older and the fact that she would have to deal with babys mother. All of this I would imagine a 22 year old girl does not want with a 30 year old man. She said I was not a priority and that's the reason she had enough.

I miss the void I filled. The terms of endearment via text message everyday. ..her face. We would even talk about how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, thats until she met my son when he was 3.

The fling was young, absolutely beautiful, I was her first bf....but took advantage. How can I bounce back? I guess I suffer from a really low self esteem where not even my son and wife can get my mind of this break up with my affair. The odd thing is, this fling made my marriage last, I was always happy knowing I had a young beautiful gf, but it was also stressful lying all the time to this gf.

I know this is selfish, but I feel depressed and cant enjoy family life. I have no more enjoyment. I hope this feeling goes away but we both work together. I know I am 100% in the wrong and she deserves to meet a man who will fulfill her needs. The fling is upset I took her virginity but I treated her like a queen daily with compliments and gifts.

Today we met for a final break up talk, then she was destroyed when she found out truth (partially), even after swearing she would never get back with me, she freaked out when I said I was dating and ran off crying. Why would a woman not want to be with a man, but then cry and runaway when she found out I moved on?

I will never have such a beautiful girl like this again. Yikes!

[TheEvilJester]

What you did was absolutely wrong. Wrong to your fling, wrong to your wife, wrong to your son... Hell, even wrong to yourself, really.

But, at least you see that. At least you understand what you did was wrong. That is, at least, a good first step. My first piece of advice would be not to repeat the same mistake. You can say all you want that what you did was wrong, but if you just turn around and do the same things all over again, then you haven't really learned anything. We all make mistakes in life, sometimes even major ones. So, nobody can really judge. However, mistakes become a million times worse when you don't learn from them.

All that said, I can at least understand how you feel. Just a few years back, I was stuck in a mistake of a marriage with a person who didn't deserve me, and honestly probably never did. So, believe me, I can understand that feeling of not feeling fulfilled in your relationship, and can understand the feeling of wanting that fulfillment elsewhere.

But, you are never going to have a lasting relationship without first dealing with all that. Either you need to decide that you and your wife can make it work, and you BOTH need to commit to doing just that. Maybe there ARE issues that can be fixed and put things right again, but if you don't work on them, that will never happen. On the other hand, maybe things between you cannot be fixed. If not, then honestly it would be better for all parties if you just end things. Both you and your wife would be so much happier. Not only that, but children are much better off with two happy parents who are apart rather than with two miserable parents who are together just because they think it is right for the kids.

Yes, it will be hard for you all, but in the end you will be so much better off. Ideally, you shouldn't even pursue another relationship until and if you finalize a divorce from your now wife. However, at the very least, if you do get into another relationship (assuming that your marriage IS going to end) you at least need to be honest about the whole process with your girlfriend. Not to mention, if you are going to end things with your wife, and you wind up with a girlfriend during the process, you need to make an honest effort to finalize things with the wife.

I think you know all that, though. I get that you understand what you did was wrong. It sounds like you acknowledge and feel bad for that. So, do whatever you can to make it right. Decide whether you want to stay with your wife or not. If you do, you need to work to fix that and stop seeking the attention you crave outside of the marriage. If you honestly decide it is best to end things, then focus on that for a while BEFORE you get back out there.

You honestly owe that to yourself just as much as you owe it to whatever women you may date in the future. Just as much as anybody would, you deserve to be loved, fully and truly. You'll never get that chance if you continue to date one woman while being married to another.