Please, help - should I continue with him? (Long!)

[hermionegranger]

Hi!

I have a very confusing problem. At least I myself don't understand... anything. I've been with my current (second) bf for about 1,5 years, of which about 9 months he spent in a different city, so we've had a long distance relationship most of the time. Anywho, last summer everything was okay, we had fun together, we met about twice or three times a week, we had a lot of things to talk about etc. Then he went to college in another city. We talked on the phone almost every day, we met once or twice a month. At first everything was okay, but after 3 months it... just... got bad. I myself wasn't a very good girl, but then again, I wasn't that bad either - we just had a lot of arguments via the phone. And after these fights i was always miserable and... when we met physically.. it was great.. at first, but after some time... the arguments started to interrupt our dates aswell. So, to put it short, while he was in another city, we had a lot of fights and most of the time we had different conflicts, after which we always made up, had sex and were happy again... for a while.

Now he's back. He's still going to college, but in the same city that I am. We go to the same college, to be exact, we even have a class together. I went to work this spring, he never managed to find a job, I live with a roommate, he still lives with his parents, who are very keen to hold on to him. And I think his father doesn't like me. Since I go to work, to college and I'm very active in other different groups, I have little time left for personal life. I have time, it's not like I don't have any time for him at all, I do, and I think it's enough, but he's not happy. He thinks I should quit some of my activities (I did, but I still don't have enough time for him, in his opinion) and he needs more time spent together... and he wants more sex. (Actually, that's always been an issue - he likes to have sex more often than I do.) So we've had a lot of argument even when we're going to the same college. In the summer we met quite a lot and since my roommate was in the country, my bf spent a lot of time at my place - I went to work in the mornings, he went home, we met again in the evening etc. Now, when my roommates in town, he's not satisfied, because I'm not very keen on taking a ride every week to his house. I really have a lot of things to do, and I'd like to focus on my studying and... I don't need as much sex as he needs. And these continuing arguments have given me a lot of thoughts to think.

We don't have much in common. At first, when we met, I thought we did, but now... I can see that we don't. We like different music, we like different kinds of movies, I love opera, he hates it, I love red wine, he doesn't, I love dancing, but we haven't danced together... ever... he says he can't dance... I want to adopt, he doesn't etc. And I don't know, where should my position be in this kind of issue. Should I just... accept it and... continue our relationship and in the future... just... go to opera, drink wine, go to my favorite band's concerts on my own or with my friends? Most of my friends that listen to my kind of music are male - and my bf has been jealous before... so... tricky situations ahead, I'd say. Should I give birth to him, even if I don't want to? He said, he couldn't accept adopted children as his own and even if I gave birth to his child and we would still adopt more children, he would treat them differently, because... it's in his nature...

He is a good guy, though. He is smart, he is pretty kind, though he isn't as much as a romantic as I'd like him to be. He is good to me, but our interests just... aren't alike. And I'm afraid that even if I accept our differences and put myself aside, I will be miserable in the future... I don't want to be miserable. I don't want, that both of us have to change ourselves all the time or push ourselves aside all the time. I want a boyfriend with similar interests. I want a boyfriend, who's satisfied that I have a low level of sexuality. I need more romance! He really (!) is a good guy and I start to cry even if I'm thinking of leaving him... But I don't know... if in a longer perspective we'd (I'd) be happy with him... I can't imagine us living together. We can't even listen to the same kind of music and music is VERY important to me, since I am a part time musician. I sing... I dance... I rock... He doesn't do anything like that. But I want to share my emotions with the closest person I have... he's just... not there in these kinds of issues...

Confusing, I know. Love issues are always confusing. And I don't know what to do... Any advice?

[krondragon]

If you feel that you will be miserable then you should consider the breakup. Although my relationship lasted for only a month and a half, I know how it felt to find someone who you thought would understand you and connect with you, but turn out to be completely different. However, in my case, my ex wasn't a good girlfriend.

I have not been in your position before, but one of my best friends, who is a girl, broke off a two year relationship with a perfectly good guy. He was athletic, smart, attractive, but yes, just like your relationship, her and her ex's interests were different and although they were both really good to each other, they were incompatible.

If you do go with the breakup, you need to make it clear and thourough. If he begs you to reconsider on the basis that he will try and change, it may sound good at first, but do not consider the offer. It would be unfair to try and change him. It would be better if he found someone who accepted him for who he is. Sure he can change some things about himself, but it seems like some core values of yours just does not match up with his.

In the end though, the choice is yours. I'm only using experiences based on my friend because it is very similar to yours.

[hermionegranger]

If you feel that you will be miserable then you should consider the breakup.

I am considering, but I can't decide. I love him, but I feel that I love him more like a very good friend. He is a very good person! But we just don't get along in most of the issues. And I'm really thinking that... in the long term, I don't think we'd be happy. I don't think he'd be happy even. Though right now he wants to fight for our relationship...

If you do go with the breakup, you need to make it clear and thourough. If he begs you to reconsider on the basis that he will try and change, it may sound good at first, but do not consider the offer. It would be unfair to try and change him. It would be better if he found someone who accepted him for who he is. Sure he can change some things about himself, but it seems like some core values of yours just does not match up with his.

That's exactly what I'm thinking. There's no point in trying to change him. If I changed him, if he'd change, he wouldn't be him anymore... And I don't want that.

My mom gave me the same advise. She's met him and she thinks he's a good guy aswell, but she feels that if we don't get along, if we have so much differences, it wouldn't work out in the future. We'd always have the same problems raising up again and again and again and... If I've already thought about breaking up, then it would be a really tough thing to get those thoughts out of my head. And even if I got the out of my head, I'd probably start thinking about the same issues again sooner or later. Right?

I'm really really sad and depressed because all of this. I don't want to hurt him. His mother loves me and... just to think what she's going to think of me after I break up with his son...

[IndiReloaded]

I think GrkScorp said it best in another thread. The thing that ultimately determines whether a relationship 'makes it' is the amount of emotional support/satisfaction both partners receive being in it.

If that's lacking, then the relationship will be rocky at best & will fail at worst. If you already feel in your gut that you won't make each other happy, longterm, then seems to me you already know the answer.

Beauty is skin deep & money can't buy love. Those truisms pretty much sum it up.