Girlfriend Flirting

[Spaghettiarms]

Hi everyone,

I was talking to my girlfriend last night on Skype (as usual because i've been away for 4 months and we talk every night, but im back in 2 weeks), but i was in a bit of a bad mood as i worked all day and hadn't eaten, so there wasn't really a convocation going but i just liked being able to see her.

She was on facebook at the same time which was fare enough because she had just got in and was going to sleep soon. But then she started talking loads on facebook, and laughing a bit to what she was reading and ignoring what i was saying. So i asked her what she was talking about/who, and she just said some guy from college was helping her with choreography and music, but i still didn't like it. She realised i was a bit annoyed and tried to start talking but was still typing loads. When the convocation ended she could tell i was in a bad mood.

Being the prick i am, i went on her account (she probably forgot she told me her password) because i could tell something wasn't right. Saw the convocation she was having with this guy and read it. It was pure flirting, nothing about dance or music at all, just flirting. My heart sank. It looked like the first time they had spoken. I knew it was really bad of me to go on her account but i could tell she wasn't telling the truth and wanted to see what was up.

The guy she was talking to has a lot going for him aswel, he's really good looking, lives close to her, an actor, older, wants to live in the same city as her, half ****ing french...

Sent her a nice text that night, slipping in that something was bugging me, when it was really making me lose sleep. She doesn't know it yet but im going to tell her when im back that im completely in love with her. We've been on and off dating for about 2 years, and being away form her made me realise how much i really liked her so asked her out. She's easily the best thing thats happend to me. But lying? i know she was doing it for my own good, not knowing i would find out, but really?

Anyway, spoke to her earlier and said that its just that i miss her so much and stuff, and that we'll talk more later.

I really dont want to loose her. But what do i do? come home early and surprise her? tell her to not talk to him? what can i possibly do?

I know this all sounds a bit dumb, but she really does mean the world to me, and we've both been through a lot to get where we are now, and i cant lose her.

Any advice is appreciated, Thanks

[RdHrshyKss]

invading your partner's privacy is a HORRIBLE idea...it only leads to trouble. i would tell her what you did and ask her to change her password so that you can't give in to this kind of temptation again. apologize for snooping, and tell her that you saw her convo with the guy and are concerned. tell her that you love her and need to know what her feelings are for you. then work from there. you need to talk to her about things to figure out where your relationship is heading....whether you guys are on the same page or not.

maybe the time apart has been difficult for her...she sensed you were in a bad mood and preoccupied herself by talking to someone else. i'm not saying that what she did is right, but i think you need to talk to her about it. she lied because she was afraid of hurting you...but if she needs to lie to do that, then she knows what she did was wrong.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

However you decide to confront her, do not invest any more in her emotionally until she proves that she is committed to you. You need to distance yourself, and start talking to other women, just so you're not so into her. Doesn't mean you should cheat, but just see what else is out there until you're trust problems have been alleviated.

[girl68]

Don't tell her you love her. Talk about your snopping and what you found. And yes, she has every right to be totally pissed off.

[sweetkissesforu]

However you decide to confront her, do not invest any more in her emotionally until she proves that she is committed to you. You need to distance yourself, and start talking to other women, just so you're not so into her. Doesn't mean you should cheat, but just see what else is out there until you're trust problems have been alleviated.

very bad idea as two wrongs dont make it right

[BackUpOrGetStng]

very bad idea as two wrongs dont make it right

Right and wrong are completely subjective. I'm offering a solution that gives the OP the best chance for a favorable outcome, and puts his best interest above all since his girlfriend has decided to put her personal interests above the relationship. It's not about being right or wrong, it's about looking at the situation objectively, and doing what suits him best until she shows that the relationship is a top priority to her.

[RdHrshyKss]

Right and wrong are completely subjective. I'm offering a solution that gives the OP the best chance for a favorable outcome, and puts his best interest above all since his girlfriend has decided to put her personal interests above the relationship. It's not about being right or wrong, it's about looking at the situation objectively, and doing what suits him best until she shows that the relationship is a top priority to her.

yeah, but who are you to say what suits him best? i personally don't think that flirting with other people will make him feel better...everyone knows that revengeful type behavior can't change the past, it will only bring more negativity into the picture.

if he isn't getting what he needs from her, i think he should leave her. if someone has to openly flirt with others in order to get their partner's attention, than their partner isn't right for them.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I'm not telling him to flirt with other people to make him feel better. I'm telling him to do it so that he is distracted from the relationship and is able to pull back some, and I think he should be actively seeking a more compatible partner that he can trust. I don't recall saying he should do any of this openly, or for attention; it should be done privately so that if he finds a better fit before his current girl alleviates his doubts, he can pull the rug out from under her and move on more easily. It's not revenge, it's self preservation, and say what you want about my method, but no matter what happens, it will minimize the pain of any outcome for the OP.

[RdHrshyKss]

I'm not telling him to flirt with other people to make him feel better. I'm telling him to do it so that he is distracted from the relationship and is able to pull back some, and I think he should be actively seeking a more compatible partner that he can trust. I don't recall saying he should do any of this openly, or for attention; it should be done privately so that if he finds a better fit before his current girl alleviates his doubts, he can pull the rug out from under her and move on more easily. It's not revenge, it's self preservation, and say what you want about my method, but no matter what happens, it will minimize the pain of any outcome for the OP.

it's selfish. if he needs to move on, then he should dump her and THEN do what you say. he should not do these things if he is going to stay in a relationship with her.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Yes, it is selfish, but at this point, he owes it to himself to look out for his own interests until she shows that the relationship should be the number one interest. At this point he doesn't know what's going on, and until he does, I don't see a problem with protecting himself while he evaluates whether or not the relationship is worth sustaining.

[RdHrshyKss]

it's called communication. if he doesn't know what's going on, he should talk to her about it...not go flirting with other girls behind her back to grab her attention and force her to do something. if it does force her to do something, it will be for the wrong reasons and the relationship will fail anyway.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I told him to confront her, but I don't think he should just sit around and expect that everything will be better. You are also still misunderstanding why I said to talk to other girls. IT IS NOT TO GRAB HIS CURRENT GIRL'S ATTENTION, IT IS NOT TO FORCE ANYTHING OUT OF HER. It is to limit his attachment to her and create distance, so he isn't so "blinded by love" and can pay better attention to her actions, while also leaving himself an out. I don't see a problem with working on the relationship while seeking other options, in case it doesn't work.

[RdHrshyKss]

i'm not going to tell you what to do. i just personally feel that "seeking other options" while in a committed relationship is deceitful. if you are strong enough, you won't need "an out" in order to leave a shitty relationship.

he should try working things out with her by talking to her about it. if he doesn't get the outcome he wants, then he can leave her and seek out other women.

[doppelgaenger]

Whether or not he invaded her privacy, she's still flirting. Do deceitful people really deserve any privacy at all? There's a reason why the toilets in jail are built right into the cells.

[Gratedwasabi]

Whether or not he invaded her privacy, she's still flirting. Do deceitful people really deserve any privacy at all? There's a reason why the toilets in jail are built right into the cells.

Is flirting without intent to do anything more really deceitful or cheating? The original poster doesn't know for sure that this guy hasn't been helping her with music and they just happened to have a conversation one night to get to know each other a bit better so they weren't such strangers.

That said, you need to tell her you snooped, apologize, and say you were worried because she seemed distracted and the long distance thing has been difficult because you care about her so much. Don't all of the sudden drop the L word if you haven't said it before. She's going to be pissed at you. Bite the bullet.