Don't know what to do anymore:(:(

[Paradox]

Okay, here it goes, I am a male in his late twenties, I am in love with a girl a few years younger than me, my feelings for her have allways been true, I don't even have the urge to look at other women, all that matters is her. The problem I have with this girl is that she is hardly ever physical with me, she works in a factory and she has a hard job but to me she uses this as an excuse not to be physical with me, in the weekend we sometimes have sex but more often than not during the week she will push me away 99 times out of a 100 and this is no exaggeration, during the week we haven't had sex in the 9 months I have known her, often she will also push me away when I go over for a kiss.

Sometimes we have a great weekend, and we would spend like 4 hours in bed in the afternoon, just enjoying ourselves to come to monday where its like the weekend never happened, she's distant all of a sudden, I have a constant fear of rejection, the entire feeling is different and I feel like I am losing myself, my libido is going downhill fast(stress, constant fear of rejection).

Now I ask myself, should I continue accepting this or should I just accept the inevitable, is this a normal healthy relationship, is what I am asking just too much(to be physical with my girlfriend and not have a constant fear of rejection).

Talking about it doesn't work, she will just pin it on my face that its normal that she's not as affectionate cuz she's tired from work, she often asks me, if you were tired from work you wouldn't feel like showing affection, but to me, I have never pushed away a woman I loved in my entire life, be it when I am sick, tired, depressed or whatever so I simply can't understand what the heck she's talking about. Love should be unconditional and your own girlfriend shouldn't be pushing you away so much.

PS : I know for a fact she isn't into other men or thinking about it. I think she's just completely asexual or something.

[JohnnyGileaid]

That sucks and it doesn't sound healthy at all. I really don't think there is an easy answer to this, either way you go it is going to be bad for you.

It seems like she may need some sort of medical advice, I don't know if she is overly stressed or depressed (possibly from her job). You might want to talk to her about that, and perhaps seeking more professional counseling, beyond you. If she refuses to work on it or even acknowledge it, I don't know what to tell you... It doesn't sound like a relationship that has any real future.

[Paradox]

Yeah I know, and I do realize that this is not very healthy, I need a woman who's just as much into me than I am into her, my own girlfriend should never push me away, ever, even when she's not feeling like sex, she should still be open for a kiss and a cuddle. So yeah, I concur, this relationship cannot have any future if it continues down this path.

[vashti]

Don't be ridiculous! There isn't necessarily anything *wrong* with her - she just may not have as high a need for physical affection as you do. Also, I hate to say it, but if she isn't satisfied sexually, her interest level is certainly not going to be there.

In the end, you two may not be a match, but that doesn't necessaily mean there is something wrong with her.

Is she taking birth control pills or anti-depressants?

[JohnnyGileaid]

If she isn't being satisfied sexually, then why isn't she talking to him about it? I mean, obviously it is very important to him, I don't understand why she just sort of shrugs it off.

Also, I wasn't saying that there is something wrong with her, for sure. Just a possibility. The real problem here in my opinion is that she isn't willing to work through it with him.

[Yggdrasil]

There definitely is a communication problem present here.

What is going on also doesn't appear to have a healty impact on him.

In my opinion and from personal experience, putting in a lot of hours doesn't really decrease the libodo. Stress does though. Maybe she's under a lot of stress.

If that's the case, the issue has to be worked.

[JohnnyGileaid]

IMO this is one of the most profound differences between men and women, and probably the most misunderstood.

I think, and it would be interesting to hear your opinions, male and female, that the sexes feel loved very different ways -- at least in my experience.

Women feel loved by their significant other more emotionally, like leaving a note that says I love you, listening to her, being there for here, taking time to do special things for her (like surprising her with many romantic dates far into the relationship), telling her (sincerely) that she is beautiful, etc.

Guys I think feel loved more often when girls are physical with them. I'm not just talking about sex, but turning down a kiss from him or if refusing a cuddle probably hurts him more than you think. It is hard for guys to understand why women wouldn't want to be physical, especially if you love them.

Anyway, it is probably not always quite that cut in dry, but maybe something to consider. Maybe the OP is not really making her feel loved and that is what some of this stems from. Either way, they need to talk about it.

[Paradox]

I have to admit, the last posters comments make sense, I do mainly feel love when a woman makes physical contact with me(cuddle, kiss, sex, rubbing my head, arm, etc), I prefer contact before words. And as far as not satisfying her, I can make her cum in under 10 minutes and she enjoys it very much, its not a sexual problem although we'r still getting to know each other bodies, we haven't explored every possible angle yet, so our sexlife isn't even in the slightest rut.

As far as the things I do for her,

- I sometimes cook
- I wash the dishes
- help fould the laundry
- get tiny presents(cards, lottery ticket with a cute message attached, perfume, etc)
- I often give sensual back rubs
- I drive her to and from work every day
- I allways let her know when I get home so she knows I am safe
- Yesterday I bought her new bedsheets cuz hers are old and I wanted her to feel comfortable cuz she allways complains she isn't getting enough sleep
- I do my own ironing of my clothes so she doesn't have too much load on her shoulders
- I allways try to think of the little things
- I often send her cute messages through sms
- I still write her love letters
- I allways put her needs in bed before mine
- and so so so much more I could go on for days the stuff I do for her

And yeah, she's on birth control pills and she's very depressed(debts that could take atleast 2 years to pay off, death of her father, insecurity if she will keep her job, trouble in her family, her mother ignores her and her own sister wants nothing to do with her either).

But still even with all this going on she should see that she had a new goal in life, being ****y happy instead of being depressed, women are so quickly down in the dumps while men are very resilient for these kinda problems.

[vashti]

Men don't have to deal with fluctuating hormones.

I think your problem may be the birth control pills. They are well-known to diminish libido. Also, all of those problems you are trying to minimize? Yeah - mood killers. Finally, how do you KNOW she is having orgasms? They are easy to fake, and a lot of women do it just to get the act over with if they aren't especially enjoying it, and women who have orgasms usually enjoy sex.

[Paradox]

Well I can't be too sure she's faking it but why would she spend 3-4 hours in bed with me after the act if she isn't enjoying it, also when she's coming she will take hold of my head and press it hard against her pussy, her body starts to shiver as well and I don't think she's a faker, its not really in her nature, although I could ofcourse be wrong.

[Rollerderby]

Maybe your fear is seeping through your facade.

Sounds like she may also want space occasionally. Women don't always know why their bodies do what they do.

[Paradox]

I did it the hard way, I blurted out all my frustrations and left angry with her feeling damn well that I would leave her if this didn't improve, she know nows how important affection is in a relationship and she's indeed been taking me for granted, all she thought about was her stress issues and not me, alot has changed in 1 day, lets hope this keeps up, alot was also due to her insecurity about me(if I would stay with her or leave her, when I am ****ing her did I do it for her body or her, all that shit ran through her mind and it really shouldn't). Aaaargh, the stuff women think about and the futile shit they worry about, unflippingbelievable. So here we have a girl that was willing to break a relationship over 'overworrying' not knowing she had a good guy in her life.

[Doc Durian]

I did it the hard way, I blurted out all my frustrations and left angry with her feeling damn well that I would leave her if this didn't improve, she know nows how important affection is in a relationship and she's indeed been taking me for granted, all she thought about was her stress issues and not me, alot has changed in 1 day, lets hope this keeps up, alot was also due to her insecurity about me(if I would stay with her or leave her, when I am ****ing her did I do it for her body or her, all that shit ran through her mind and it really shouldn't). Aaaargh, the stuff women think about and the futile shit they worry about, unflippingbelievable. So here we have a girl that was willing to break a relationship over 'overworrying' not knowing she had a good guy in her life.

Was she raised in a family where the man kept the financial worries at bay by his income and the mother wasn't strict?

[IndiReloaded]

As far as the things I do for her,

- I sometimes cook
- I wash the dishes
- help fould the laundry
- get tiny presents(cards, lottery ticket with a cute message attached, perfume, etc)
- I often give sensual back rubs
- I drive her to and from work every day
- I allways let her know when I get home so she knows I am safe
- Yesterday I bought her new bedsheets cuz hers are old and I wanted her to feel comfortable cuz she allways complains she isn't getting enough sleep
- I do my own ironing of my clothes so she doesn't have too much load on her shoulders
- I allways try to think of the little things
- I often send her cute messages through sms
- I still write her love letters
- I allways put her needs in bed before mine
- and so so so much more I could go on for days the stuff I do for her

First of all, make sure she knows that this is how you SHOW your love to her. You do this by telling her, directly, that you do all these things b/c you love her. She needs to know this.

Secondly, you need to realize that people have different styles of love and attachment. There's been a fair bit of research done on this (through observation of many couples relationships). At present, the best explanation describes 6 different styles. Here are a couple links (I don't like the wiki entry, its not the easiest to read, but I've included it anyway):

[url]http://www.heartrelationships.com/quizzes/manual/Styles%20of%20Love.htm[/url]

[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_styles[/url]

Once you have figured out each of your 'styles', then make an effort to satisfy each other according to what has meaning TO YOUR PARTNER.

Its simply not true you should 'treat your partner as you would be treated'. That only works if you share the same 'love style'. Many don't, and thus the communication problems & arguments.

Its a bit of work, but I think it will help. Good luck.

[Paradox]

Was she raised in a family where the man kept the financial worries at bay by his income and the mother wasn't strict?

The man did provide the sole income, her mother was sick all of her life and mostly bedridden, the times she was up and about involved her yelling and shouting and throwing stuff at her daughters, the father started drinking and hence she kinda grew up amidst turmoil, her father did pick up on himself and improved his ways and became her guardian, someone she looked up to.