he s staying with mum

[hopeful]

hi im new here and my fiance and i have been together for nearly 6 years, we had been talking and making plans for a new home together. last year as a complete shock to everyone , his dad died, was a big shock and like when a loved one dies its a sad and stressful time.
as you d expect, his mum needed him and he has done as much as he can. i must add at this point his siblings just phoned occasionally, didnt put them selves out at all.
to cut the story short, he now tells me that he will have to live with his mum as he doesnt want her living alone and she wouldnt like to go into sheltered (she is only 66)
his plan is to buy his mums house off her, and they then live together in the house.
he told me that his mum needs him more than i do. and he would stay with me when ever he can,
she wants him to stay at home when she has been on holiday, as there are pets to look after and doesnt want to leave house empty, but doesnt want him staying out leaving her at home alone at night either (he is 35)
said her friend may stay over with her but hasnt yet in all this time. what do i do? i really need help with this 1

[boobaa]

His mom is a needy bitch, and he is a bootee. My grandmother lived alone in the woods. Of course we helped her a lot, but staying there all the time was just mere impossible, we had lives, work, school and she understood that very well. Needless to say she was a country person, always working in garden.

However, you don't have to take this crap too seriously, his father just died and they are all very shaked up. people make very hasty decisions at this state.

[Gigabitch]

Start working on a Plan B for your life that does not include him. If he actually goes through with buying his mom's house and moving in with her, that should be the end of your relationship.

Maybe he'll come to his senses, but I wouldn't count on it.

[Lite]

I would suggest that both he and his mother find grief counseling. His mother needs to build a life of her own, just as he does. It is understandable that they feel screwed up, but this is rather extreme and really can only be dealt with via professional help.

You need to know what you are, and are not willing to be OK with, draw those lines in the sand, and stick to your boundaries. Even if it means ending the relationship with him.

[vashti]

Is his mother sick? If so, I can see why he'd want to be closer.

Does she have financial problems? he should help her figure out how to manage on the income she has, even if that means selling the house, and supplement if necessary.

If neither of these is the problem, then I think your MAN has the problem - not his mother. For all you know, he is pinning the blame on her unfairly. She may want him to go, but maybe he won't, and even if she wants him to stay, he doesn't sound like he has the backbone to act like a man and stand up to his mommy.

If thisis a cultural matter, then you have to take it or leave it.

[hopeful]

its mostly his mom, ive seen it all first hand when we ve had our nights in, just the 3 of us he cant even come to mine and spend an evening together or go out to movies, as she wont stay in alone. we can go out if we take her to her mates of bingo but must pick her up at 10.
ive asked him to stand up to her or at least get his sibblings to come and mom sit sometimes, but they wont do it as they put their own families first, his mom is understanting of that as they are her grandkids after all, but she doesnt seem to value our relationship as much as theirs.
he is the youngest and all the others left home at 16. i think she is trying to fill his fathers place, she even talks to him like they are a couple and i find this so hurtful, i luv him to bits.

[vashti]

Well, unfortunately, your relationship isn't on the same level as the siblings - (unless you failed to mention the wedding and children). I don't mean that to sound offensive, that is just the reality.

Does his mother have some sort of psychiatric anxiety disorder? Maybe he can get a psych evaluation. But I have to say - if he is content with this arrangement, you are fighting a losing battle, and again - you will have to decide if you will accept things as they are, or not.

[hopeful]

1 bro married, no kids. his sis got engaged after us, they have 1 child, she has an older 1 at home from previous, i have 2 of my own but none together, so same situation as far as that goes. they just leave it to him and get on with their lives. all the kids have had holidays away apart from us, 1 went away 2 days after he died.
i just feel im surplus to requirements now, even s** has 10 oclock deadline.
do you really think therapy will help? as it wont fill the gap for her?

[Petit Papillon]

Sounds like in this movie "Monster in law" .Well I know it may be had to force him to choose between You and his mother but he has to be adult enough...Like,come on. He can visit his mother often,and she won't die without him...But if he's a pussy and he choose his mother... There is not much You can do... Talking with her in person is also not very good solution.Women in this age are very bitchy.Not all but most.She sound like she is.
Greets,PP

[hopeful]

she was fine until his dad was ill, she is still plesant but very demanding and controling. i hoped it was just grief and it would sort it self out, but talking buying the house and living with her always rang alarm bells for me

[Mish]

he told me that his mum needs him more than i do. and he would stay with me when ever he can

I think there are a number of ways to interpret the above. If I were you I would ask for a clarification of what he meant. (E.g. it could mean he is prepared to neglect your needs in favour of hers). Ultimately if this is bothering you I think you need to come out and say it and let him know your feelings on the subject. Don't assume he knows how you feel.

[hopeful]

my partner and i our in our 30 s, we were just planning our new home together when his dad died last year. he doesnt want to leave his mum living on her own so taxi s her everywhere and wont go out. he expects me to get a sitter to go and sit in with him and his mum, we cant go out, have time alone, and sex has to be done so quick as he has to pick her up at 10 oclock if she goes out and he just cant be late. he has other family members who will not help at all.
we have spoken about things and he loves me and doesnt want to loose me. i feel there is nothing left.
we agreed we needed to talk about this as he doesnt want to end the relationship with me, but by the same token he doesnt want his mum to be alone.
i sugested he came here for a nice meal that he misses so much as his mum cooks junk mainly, we could have a chat and he stay over. he was all for it til his mum said he couldnt stay out as she didnt want to be in the house on her own when it was dark.
if he wanted to go out he could drop her at her friends at about 8 and pick her up at 10. its over half an hour to get here and she knows this.
i sugested she get someone to stay over but she wont. she has been on about 5 holidays since she has been on her own, but he has to stay there to look after the house and pets as she doesnt want it left empty. i only want him for 1 night, is that too much to ask? we have been together for 6 years, what can i say to him to put me and him first for once? i dont want to loose him but i dont just want whats left.

[hopeful]

its even worse now. he cant even come to see me or have time alone with me if i go to his. she is totaly controlling him.

[Lite]

He, and his mother, need grief counseling and quite possibly therapy. Pretty much you need to put your foot down, either he makes you a priority in your life, or you find other priorities of your own.

[Lite]

Then you need to take control of your life, state your needs for a relationship, and if he cannot meet them then move on. No point in letting yourself be drug down with him when he cannot seem to make you any sort of priority in his life.