My girlfriend still has feelings for...

[Toxic106]

Kay, this might be a bit long... I dunno. First of all, I really, REALLY love my girlfriend. And she loves me too considering she's the one approached me and all. What bugs me very much is that, she get depressed sometimes. Nope, it's not family matter. She's totally numb in that department now. It could be relationship. Ok, here's a bit of a background story.

She used to like this guy. For 2-3 years. And this guy is her french teacher. He's totally unmistakably GAY but she didn't know. It doesn't really matter because she liked him. Her previous relationships ended because of this guy. She's with me now and she's happy most of the time. Though when I'm not with her and she's with him, she get all depressed because she's confused... according to her anyway. She said he's being nice and all flirty with her. What can I say? I know I shouldn't hate that guy. He has nothing to do with this. He has nothing to do with what she's feeling right now... If you know what I mean. She likes him and she can't help it.

I'm not being jealous or anything. I'm just angry that she can't get over him. Though considering she's liked him that long... I kind of understand. What I really wanna know right now.... is how can I help to get her over him. He's gay... I know it doesn't matter because SHE's the one who likes him, not the other way around.... All I want is for my girlfriend to be happy. With me. All the time if possible. And now, I know he's the ONLY reason she gets depressed sometimes. How can I help my girlfriend get over HIM? Thanks if anyone replied....

[pat]

Hey, I don't know, but I'd say: you can't! It sounds a lot like your girl friend doesn't really know what she wants, she even says for herself that she gets confused. Of course you want her to be happy with you all the time, but if it was that easy to achieve there probably wouldn't be any break-ups or divorces. In my opinion, the only thing that can work is her finding out what she wants. She needs to close that chapter and move on, and if she's not able to do it, nobody else is.

edit: have you talked to her about it? And about how it makes you feel? Cause in a way I think it's unfair towards you. She chooses you to be her boyfriend, but then again she sometimes wishes it would be some other guy. That's not very nice, actually. Of course she's confused and she doesn't have any bad intentions, but still she needs to figure out a way to deal with it and get over that other guy.

[lahnnabell]

Do you know for a fact that this guy is gay, or do you just think he's gay based on how he acts and dresses?

Either way, your girl needs space to clear her head. She hasn't fully dealt with her attraction to this other guy, and right now you're only in second place. Do you really want that?

[xxazurexx]

Well he's her French teacher, right? Therefore and unless this guy wants to lose his job, he isn't going to go anywhere near her. And if he's gay, why would he be flirting with her? That is likely to be her reading into the slightest thing he does and if she's crushing on him badly.

Maybe she needs counselling and if she has tendencies to be 'obsessive'.

[Toxic106]

Thanks pat. That's exactly the problem. She doesn't know what she wants. She's already told me that... I know that... I can't do much to help her get over him. She's depressed because she's confused. She's depressed also because she kinda doesn't know what she wants. Him, or me. Everyone else said me. I'm more realistic. I'm here for her. I love her. While HE is just a teacher who's totally gay (as a fact) and is, well, a teacher... I told her I'd stay with her until she figure this out. Do you think I'm doing the right thing here...?

[pat]

Hey Toxic!

It probably sounds like pretty crappy advice, but whether or not you are doing the right thing is really just up to you. You have to do whatever you feel comfortable with. Consider that "until she figures this out" might include that she leaves you after she has figured this out. The opposite could happen, too, of course but that's something you can't really tell yet. You also shouldn't base your decision on what you think might be best or easiest for her, since you're the one getting hurt if you put all your effort into that relationship while giving her space to decide. If you are patient and consider yourself to be able to deal with that situation, even with the "worst case scenario" of her leaving you after all this, you should stay with her, but if you feel that it makes you unhappy and that the whole relationship takes away more from you than it can actually give you, you should at least think about stopping this. Maybe you can talk to her about it, and maybe she really needs counseling. If something bothers her so much that she gets depressed, and then gets even more depressed over the fact that she is being depressed this could turn into a vicious circle.

[the ice man]

You can not dictate emotions but you can rewrite. What have you written?

[Charisma]

If your girlfriend has let this ruin her past relationships because of this unobtainable man she will...never obtain, then it doesn't look like her behaviour will change.

Same with her depression, and confusion. You could either try to tolerate it, and support her thro her feelings/moods, or try to *counsel* her or find some way to divert her from her moods and obsessing. Or you could leave her. I doubt you will do the latter, because even if it is annoying, it's better than her being depressed over a (straight) obtainable guy.

What bugs me very much is that, she get depressed sometimes. Nope, it's not family matter. She's totally numb in that department now. It could be relationship.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by this comment.

[the ice man]

If you can not dictate you can rewrite? Decision for him is a double sin decision to shut down. Overwrite? If you can about your decision about her decision as No. There? If you choose to enter such a situation to resemble him to roll the concept of thought is moving forward in changing the equation. If you know the wheel to apply will remain the same? what you wrote

[cmacattack1]

Give her some space so she can figure it out. The longer she is allowed to waffle and flip flop, the longer she will do just that. You want to be with somebody that can give you 100 percent and if you accept anything less you are shortchanging yourself. I'm not saying you have to break up with her and never talk to her again, but if this is bothering you and hurting your relationship and the ability to grow and move forward, I think it's only fair to you to tell her that you want to be and deserve to be with somebody that can give you all they can offer. Gay or not, inappropriate to date a student or not, it really has less to do with him and more to do with her, her feelings, and her ability to deal with problems that arise in her life. Give her some time to be on her own and focus on yourself for a little while. I guess it would be "taking a break". And you can't be calling her every day and hanging out with her because this will not show that you mean business and are serious about this. You could risk losing her in the process, but I think it's worth the risk. You shouldn't be afraid of what else is out there if you do lose her. She has a responsibility in this and she will continue to lose important things and people if she cannot cope or deal.

Or could she just take Spanish? How much more French does she need to take? How long have you been dating?