Lost her before I even got her...

[Tigger_]

Recently I met this girl and fell in love with her. I mean real love... love of the heart, of the soul, and of the mind. The problem is that she's engaged and will be married within a few months. At first I tried to become her friend and we developed this nice little friendship. Then a few days back, i told her about my feelings. And surprisingly, she wasnt mad. Infact she was flattered. I've told her how I really feel and she even went on to tell me that she wished she wasnt engaged and that i was just sligtely LATE. But she doesnt want to lead me on in any way and has said that if things are to happen between us, then they'll figure themselves out... like fate... this is one of her text messages to me:
"Always remember that this is always about destiny. you can plan all you want but at the end of the day we need to realise that God knows whats best for us. He can see what we cant. so always pray for whats in your betterment and have strong faith! You're a wonderful guy and deserve someone equally wonderful"...

guys, tell me what im supposed to do.. i know in my heart that she wants me but is restricted. she obviously hasnt said anything like this, but i can feel it. I dont want to force her in any way at all. I know in my heart that I'm better than her fiance and will make her much happier than he ever would. I want to say so much to her, should I? GUYS, i need your help. Don't know what to do. I dont want to force her in the fear that it might break our friendship. She's a wonderful person, someone i know I won't be able to get over anytime soon...

[Ellynn]

Wow, I feel for you. But your situation is mostly about timing and how it was off. You came into her life too late. She loves her fiancee. She obviously does, because is marrying him! If she really wanted to be with you, she would end things.

It's true what she says.... If it's meant to happen it will someday. But in the meantime you have to do the most unselfish thing you can ever do and step back and let her continue on with her life and relationship.

[Tigger_]

Thank you Ellynn... i have been checking on replies every two minutes...

let me tell you more about the situation, this is happening in pakistan and marraiges here are slightely arranged here... she made the ultimate decision, but she didnt really know the guy that much and he was referred by some relative or family friend or whatnot.. she was in a weird relationship previously with another guy which was going nowhere and so to end things and start anew, she decided to marry this guy. Hence, it doesnt necessarily mean that she's in love with her fiance...

and its hard to end engagements here, the family gets involved, its a messy business... the girl usually needs very strong parents who can take a stand on her behalf...

do u think i was wrong in telling her how i felt about her? I think i made a very big blunder, because it will hurt both of us quite badly... because down the road (if shes married to this other guy) and if there are a few disappointments in her new life (which are expected), then she'll regret knowing the fact that i longed for her and it couldve been much different for her and much better for her... because we definitely have a very strong connection (trust me on this...)

When u say i should take a step back, do u mean not even remaining her friend? and i'd like to be totally unselfish, but its the hardest thing to do... im sure u have an idea... please help me out, thanks...

[Ellynn]

I did not realize it was an arranged marriage type of thing. That puts things into a different perspective.

But, unfortunately in those circumstances, it is still hard for her to get out of her situation. I never did understand those "arranged" marriages. (I'm also glad its not something my family believes in.)

As for you being unselfish, I'm just saying the best thing you can do is let her go. I mean you can still be her friend and everything. But doesn't that hurt? Doesn't it mess with your mind? I'm just trying to help you deal with this all logically. I totally understand that you want to be her friend etc. But with the two of you having feelings, isn't that going to make everything that much harder? I don't think it was dumb of you to tell her your feelings. That takes guts actually.

Anyways, like I said before, I feel for you both.

[Tigger_]

Lots of things happened last night... We talked, it was fun..... then later on I just called it off, i told her that it'll hurt us both quite badly with things expected to go the way they were going...

she said she was excited about her new life (i dont konw if its true or not and i dont really care)... i just want to be over her now... its for the best,

but im sure you know that its the hardest thing in the world... need your help now, talking about it to someone (even if its to a random person) helps a lot... please tell me what i need to do, im ready to do this

it really hurts now... the moment i said it to her, its been hurting me quite badly... please someone, give me a quick fix, just drill my head and remove this detail from it...

I really am heart broken right now...

[vashti]

I don't think you can be "friends" with someone you are in love with, and I think for both your sakes, you should cease contact with this woman. I don't know how traditional her family is, but these situations can be dangerous for women in that region of the world.

Sorry, my friend.

[Tigger_]

yea i understand that... and i cant stop seeing her... I teach her... dont worry, im not perverted... shes 21 and im 24.. im teaching her undergraduate level maths...

[vashti]

Ask her to take the math with another instructor.

[Tigger_]

that wont work... theres no one else... and it'll make things really ugly with everyone else, both of us dont want that..

[Tigger_]

OK, so lately things have taken a huge twist.... a really huge twist...

i told you guys about this girl having an earlier boyfriend.. well, before she got engaged, she asked her ex what sort of relationship he was looking for (whether he wanted to marry her or not) and he told her that he didnt know... so she was confused and couldnt stand that and chose to get engaged to this other guy... to move on i.e...

she finally told her ex that she was engaged now (why she didnt tell him before is beyond me)... he got upset and told her that he wanted her, that he couldnt live without her (bla bla)... she's obviously not over him yet and had a horrible time these past few days... she told me that she's wished to have him all this time and now that she can have him, that she cant do anything about it...

I feel so bad now... i promised to be her friend, and ive acted like a true friend throughout this whole drama... At some level, i know that she doesnt want me, that theres no future between us and im looking forward to my next crush... i just want this to be over... i cant start ignoring her now, we have become good friends and we can talk at a very personal level... however, theres that part in me that wants her to be something more, because i know that i'll make her truly happy and give her a wonderful life... guys, tell me how to deal with all this... im at the stage where i end up feeling down when she's down and am happy when she feels good...

[vashti]

I don't think you can be "friends" with someone you are in love with.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my God! How many guys does she have in her life?

This girl isn't ready for any of this, clearly. For sure, don't confess your feelings to her at this point- she'll probably run screaming from the room.

You can be her friend, but you don't have to be her best friend. I think you should try to avoid spending time alone with her if you can, to cut down on the too-personal nature of your conversations. She sounds like kind of a mess and you need to protect your heart.

[Tigger_]

she just has two guys in her life... her husband-to-be and her ex... she doesnt regard me as anything more than a friend, really...

[disturbed_23]

alrighty well i think i know exactly what to do, but before i say anything, do u still love her? or are u over her now?

[Tigger_]

ofcourse i love her, theres a part of me that will always love her,