Marriage in crisis - don't know what to do

[married_a]

My story is outlined below. I would appreciate any comments or advice – especially from anyone who has been through similar. I know the temptation will be there to judge me as being a complete ****, and I won’t blame you, but before you spend a long time writing a message making that point, just realise I already know it and feel terrible about it.

I have been with my wife – Annie – for almost five years (married for 18 months). We met just after I came out of a really rough break up – the only time I have really had my heart broken. I was attracted to her, but I also just needed to stop feeling the pain of my break up and she was lovely about it and helped me through a pretty awful time in my life. We started off as fairly casual ‘friends with benefits’ I suppose, but then we started going on dates, spending the night, etc. I got over my ex and carried on seeing Annie. I really enjoyed spending time with her, we got on so well and she is a sweet, caring, kind and beautiful woman. She went through a rough patch employment-wise (she works in a hyper-competitive industry) and came to live with me for a few months while she found another job. This was a pretty happy time in the relationship. I don’t know if I loved her then, but I certainly felt extremely fond of her and protective and cared for her.

After three years, I got a job abroad (a long way from home). She was supportive and told me to go because this had always been a dream of mine. I went and we decided to do the long distance thing. While I was gone, we talked daily. I suppose I missed her, but not as much as I might have expected. When we saw each other (every few months) the relationship still seemed really good – we never argued, got on just as well as always, etc. To my shame, I was unfaithful to her while I was away – but never anything ‘serious’ or like a relationship. I have told her about this and she says she forgives me.

For visa reasons, the only way Annie could come out to live there too was if we got married. So after being abroad for 9 months, I came back and we married. For about a week beforehand, I was in serious doubt about whether or not to marry her. I couldn’t say why I had these doubts though and so in the end I told myself she is everything I could want: beautiful (like stupidly beautiful in fact), loving, caring and absolutely in love with me. I also spoke with my mother (who loves Annie) and she told me ‘love is a choice, not an emotion’. Given how wonderful Annie is, I decided to make that choice.

On the day of the wedding, I felt happy. Immediately afterwards, and for about the next two or three weeks, I felt like my world had come crashing down – I was miserable as anything and felt like I had made a terrible, terrible mistake. But I went back abroad and eventually these feelings left. Annie and I kept talking every day, still getting on well. We continued to see each other every few months and I met her family. We got on well, like best friends, though I never felt strong feelings of love, and after we got married we also stopped having sex (more my fault than hers).

In the end we both realised her coming out to live with me wasn’t going to work for practical / work reasons. So – with a really heavy heart – I decided I needed to come back to my home country. I loved my time abroad and coming back was a tough decision for all sorts of reasons – the happiest I have ever been was the last two years. Also, just before leaving for home, I was at a party and met a woman who just stunned me: she is very different to my wife, but we got on extremely well and I was really attracted to her. We stayed in touch, but have recently cut all contact because I need to figure out my situation. Although I can’t say I love the other woman, I definitely for the first time in years felt that excitement and joy of meeting someone I just ‘click’ with.

Since getting back two weeks ago, I have been pretty unhappy. And so has Annie. She loves me, but I don’t know if I do love her (or, if I’m brutally honest, if I ever did). We were supposed to be moving in together, but now it seems like a bad decision. I am staying with her and we still get on really well when we are just doing day-to-day things rather than discussing all this, but I don’t feel love for her and have doubts about whether we should be together. I don’t know if that’s because of me (commitment issues), her (just not someone I love) or something else (e.g. not wanting to let go of my life abroad and keeping the door open to go back).

Part of me feels I should just let her go because my indecision is hurting her. But at the same time, I am terrified that I am making a horrible horrible mistake in giving up on a marriage to someone who is as loving and wonderful as this woman. If I could click my fingers and feel sure of the relationship and just love her, I would do it in a heartbeat. I don’t know what is stopping me from just letting go and loving her. It’s killing me and I feel terrible for putting her through this.

Can I ‘learn’ to love her? Or do I already love her and just can’t see it? Or is this a hopeless cause?


TL;DR: I am married to a woman who is honestly perfect and such a fundamentally good person (selfless, loving, beautiful, caring, etc) but I don’t know if I love her – or if I ever did.

[melancholia]

*rolls eyes for the rest of my life*

This is ridiculous. Why the hell did you even get married? Here's the lesson you need to learn now: do not marry someone you aren't in love with. Plain and simple. End of story. Divorce your current wife and move on. This is seriously pathetic.

[married_a]

The feeling of love fades though, right? People aren't always 'in love' for the rest of their life. I know she is an amazing woman and I *want* to love her... doesn't that count for anything?

PS. Hope your eyes aren't still rolling - sounds painful.

[melancholia]

Why are you asking about love fading, when your problem is that you don't love your wife to begin with? I don't believe that love is a choice - it's definitely a feeling. Choosing to be in a relationship with someone you love IS a choice, though. You chose to marry someone you didn't love, and that's your mistake here. I don't believe in love at first sight and I didn't fall in love with my BF the first day I met him, it grew over time through building the foundation of our current relationship. Therefore, love can certainly grow. People in arranged marriages aren't in love before they get married and some of those marriages turn out to be successful. The fact is that you are married to this person, so if it doesn't work out you will end up with a divorce. It depends how you feel about that. Do you believe you can fall in love with your wife? Do you actually want to be in love with her and make this marriage work?