Need to clean my heart and move on...

[Juanny30]

Hi all,
I have used this site and I always get great feedback. Today I am facing something really important in my life that I think has been affecting me so much in my dating life. Here is my story and thanks in advance for reading.

My story is a little long so I will make it simple. More than 15 years ago, I met few guys on the internet. I was living in Mexico at that time and I was in college, I had a plan to go to Chicago the summer of 1998 to study English after graduating. I did and I met 3 great guys that became very good friends of mine. There was one of them that I felt very attracted but at that time he had a girlfriend so I talked to him with only friendship intentions. We stayed friends and used to talk on the computer almost every day (not sure how many of you remember ICQ) Oh well, I was dating a guy in Mexico and this guy, let's name him Sean. At some point I broke up with my bf in Mexico and a month later he broke up with his gf. We kept talking and venting about our ex's. After some time, he ended up confessing that he was very attracted to me. I couldn't believe and the short story is that I went to visit him in Chicago, he picked me up at the airport and I was very interested in him, he was packing that day that I arrived as he was moving to Indiana. We spent a great day and he took me out for dinner with his father and then he told me he wanted me to go with him to Indiana and spend a week there. I did, I had a great time with him, he showed me around...etc. We decided to start dating even though I was in Mexico and he was in Indiana...we planned for me to move to Indiana and it took me 2 years to make it happen but I did. Sean was my strength in so many ways, he thought me how to drive, the culture, so many things...so I enrolled in school, I studied English and I started looking for a job as well. Stress became part of our lives as school was very expensive and with a student visa, i was limited to work in this country only 20 hrs a week...anyway, he made so many sacrifices to have us have a life together...at some point we decided to get married and we did. Very simple ceremony but we did. Two weeks after getting married his temper started becoming very sensitive and he started getting mad for small things...we ended up in a very unstable marriage. For almost 4 years, he will get mad and chase me around the house, he wanted to control everything I was doing, he kicked me out of the apartment we were living together once, I had to call the police more than once to report his anger. He never touched me, but he did hurt me emotionally very bad. The thing though is that he did so much for me, he did show me he loved me when he was acting normal but when his temper used to come out, it was so bad...my brother even gave him the nick names of "Shrek" and "Hulk". At some point, I stopped loving him due to his actions when he used to get angry. I got a promotion at my job that asked me to move to FL and I did. Distance helped so much but it was a hard time for me, especially with money because even though it was a promotion I lost bonuses and my expenses increased living by myself, but I didn't care I needed time apart and have a healthy life. I packed my car with my clothes and my books, I left him everything else...anyway, the story is that after I left he finally decided to go and see a therapist. He was diagnosed with depression and he was able to identify the causes of his anger (a long story about his mother getting very sick when he was 8). We separated in 2007 but since then we became very good friends after a period of time that I needed to heal all the things he did to me. We talked on the phone and ironically he has become my best friend. He knows all about me in terms of my family, work and my friends. We never talked about relationships at all and he always reminds me that he still loves me and he feels so sorry for what happened. He has helped me several times financially as I have had some challenges and he wants to still help me and protect me. I saw him 2 years ago and I realized that I am not physically attracted to him anymore, I have feelings for him, I mean he was my husband and I did love him so much and I am very thankful for all the things he does for me even now. I have had no luck finding the right man, mostly because my self-esteem got so damaged and I have been dating the wrong men...so I have not found love yet in my life...still looking but nothing yet...so Sean is there, when I feel alone (all my family lives in Mexico) I called him, when I have challenges at work or whatever I called him, even when I have great news and a great day, I call him...
I moved to Ohio as I got another promotion and finally my life in a financial point is getting better, but I would have not made it without his help. I feel very thankful for having him around and for being so nice to me...it is so ironic that somebody that loved me so much, helped me so much to move to this country also hurt me so much that I needed to run away from him but now he has been such a support for more than 5 years in many ways.
Last week we decided to meet in Indianapolis and part of me wanted to see him because I wanted to thank him in person for everything he has done for me and all his support. He booked a room in downtown and we had a great time as friends (nothing sexual at all). The last thing we did, we went to the movies and I hold his arm, I felt protected but at the same time, I know I do not feel attracted sexually to him anymore, it could be because I still have a big trauma of our lives together when we were married that I can't see him as a sexual partner...anyway, he hold my hand when were saying good bye, he told me he was very proud of me and that he was hoping we can see each other again...I started crying, I told him I still need time to heal...on my way back to Ohio, I cried for a long time in the car, like I had this wound still in my heart ...I don't love him as a sexual partner in my life but I still care about him and I love the way he cares about me and takes care of me...but I know this is not healthy either...I need to clean my heart, I need to find out and figure out if I still love him or not...and make decisions...I don't hate him anymore, I have healed that, I actually feel to thankful that I met him and because of him I am now in the US, I have done so many great things in this country so I know he is going to be a very important and special person in my life...and I am confused as I do not want to remove him from life as he might still be the one for me? how can I know? we are older now and I am not the same and he is not the same but his temper always make me wonder...anyway, I needed to vent, this is something that has been chasing me for years and it is time to face it and clean it for good, for either to face the challenge and fight and be with him or just move on and push him away...
Any comments from all of happy hearts out there or the broken hearts that might understand what I am going through...I will appreciate to hear from you....

Time to clean...

[IndiReloaded]

That's quite the story. You are recovering from an abusive relationship and (I think) your feelings are completely normal.

Thing about life is... you can't go back, only forward. My take is that you may still love him, but you no longer feel emotionally safe with him (understandable) b/c of what has passed. Don't beat yourself up over this. Don't give up your hard-won freedom either. I suspect his change of heart is because he saw *you* get stronger. Standing up for yourself was the lesson you needed to learn. His lesson was that there are consequences to treating loved ones poorly.

Now that you have both learned, it may be that the 'reason' for your time together is passed. Or, perhaps its a new chapter in your lives together, but doesn't sound like that's where you want to go. My advice is to continue to do what you know is right for you. Good luck.

[cast no shadow]

You sounds like a really strong woman.
I think you need to be very proud of what you have accomplished.

About him, I think its normal that you feel more protected around him, and that he will be easy to talk to.
You spend many years together and gone through much that the feeling is if he's the only one who understands.
It sounds like you're in a good place right now, but falling back to the past is always easy. If we want it or not.

Try to think if you feel as if you're ready to try again. You didn't have the nice nostalgic end to your relationship,
so its obvious that you need to think really hard before going in to something like that again.


Good luck though, you sounds like a really inspiring person.

[haxan]

This isn't the guy from Florida that you didn't want to leave is it?

If not, like Indi said, you have to move forward in life. You seem to have that personality that's always looking back, afraid to let go or wanting to try and recapture something. There are new adventures out there, you'll find an exciting one. Trust me.

[Juanny30]

Thank you! It has been a long way...but that is how learn right?

Thank you for riding and for your words.

[Juanny30]

Hi,

No, It is not the guy from Florida...like I said, I met the wrong guys...now I have analyzed all the mistakes I have made meeting all the wrong men.

You are right about looking back. I am studying my 3rd degree now, I am back to school but this time I am studying Psychology and my first class has helped me to recognize some of my personality issues. My parents lived such an unstable life and my mom always went back to my dad...even though they were not happy. I have realized that I learned that since I was a kid...and it is time to break that learning path...

Thanks for reading and for sharing your thoughts and perspective.

[haxan]

Thank you! It has been a long way...but that is how learn right?

The difference between success and failure, or apathy, is acknowledging your mistakes and learning from them. You seem to be someone who is learning from them, good for you.