Always single???

[d_j]

I am a 24 year old male (soon to be 25) who has never been in a relationship. I grew up with really bad acne until I was about 21 and was very shy around girls because of this. I'm not bad looking, I work out a lot and have a pretty good athletic build. Only thing that bugs me physically is my short height at 5'6" which has always been an insecurity of mine. I have a good career and I am a nice guy (which doesn't seem to help nowadays) looking to have a serious relationship.

I didn't start asking girls out until grade 12. I got rejected time and time again and only had like one or two dates when I was 18-19 yrs old. None of the dates ever evolved into a relationship. I got busy with university and kind of gave up on the dating scene.

This year was the first year I went on a date in like four years. I had a date with a girl I met at work that went well. Tried for two weeks to set up a second date but gave up after I got tired of her games. I was set up on a blind date by a co-worker, but didn't get any chemistry or spark (never went out again). A few weeks ago I went out with a co-worker that I had a crush on for almost a year. I had really high expectations (we had a lot in common), but was dissapointed with the date. We parted on good terms and both agreed that there was no potential for anything past friends.

I really am starting to worry that I will ever meet some one and have a relationship. I will be 25 soon and I haven't ever kissed a girl, held hands with a girl or had sex. I have gained a lot of confidence the last year, but I just feel like I am never going to meet some one special (I have wanted to get married and have a family for years and I'm afraid I may never find that). I don't meet people often as just about all of my friends (most of whom are a little older) are married and have kids which means I don't go out in public often with friends.

I've been considering online dating as a possible way to try and meet some new people. I feel kind of lost in the dating scene sometimes because I am inexperienced. I'm terrified that one day I will met someone and fear that she will leave me when she learns how inexperienced I am. I grew up being raised as a Roman Catholic and still practice my religion which is often in conflict wtih today's society (i.e. premarital sex).

Anyone have any suggestions on how I can meet some one and find that special some one that everyone searches for? I don't mean to whine or complain (because things could always be worse in life), but I am really terrified some days that I will end up living the rest of my life single.

[Dasein]

Your situation really isn't that unusual.

There are tonnes of ways to meet people. If you have any interests I would join clubs or do a fun course. You can always try online dating or speed dating. Friends are good sources to meet new people.

Online dating is usually successful for people with personalities that come through in their profiles. Make it funny or interesting if you can.

Have you travelled at all? You can join tour groups or just meet people on your journeys.

The most important thing is just to feel confident in yourself. Don't stress because you are still young. Good luck

[Kromat]

Wow! you sound like me with the inexperience as well.
Stop going out with co-workers, you don't want everyone knowing
about your personal life, that is between you and her.

You could try speed dating, online dating, social clubs with similar interests,
and anywhere where you can interact with others your age.

I'm 25 now and Roman Catholic too, and does suck to think that you might end up single,
but you'll find someone eventually and maybe it's just not the right time.
Let it happen naturally.

[d_j]

It's just frustating as I've been looking to date since I was 16 (last 9 years). Makes we wonder, taking into account how little I accomplished, whether it will take another 9 years until anything happens (if I ever find someone....)!

I know people always says it's maybe not your time, but I never get that one? Am I suppossed to sit around and wait for love to strike? I'm in pannick mode trying to find some semblance of a normal life, afraid that every day I am slipping farther away from where I'd like to be.

I wish to myself sometimes that I had taken more chances when I was younger. I wonder if maybe I missed out on that special someone and wonder if I will have an opportunity again. That's why I went out with that girl at work. I knew it was probably doomed not to go anywhere, but I'd hate myself if I didn't ask her out and take the chance.

[starbuck]

dj, I think your anxiety and insecurity over your dating life is causing you a crisis of confidence. If I were you, I'd take all necessary steps to work on that confidence. There are lots of ways to do this like working out (to boost the physical), reading (to boost the intellect), and just getting out there and interacting with people (this is probably one of the best ways).

I'm a fairly confident person, and I am currently single. I often take my laptop to the coffee shop down the block when I'm going stir crazy in my apartment. One day my shrink asked me if I talk to guys there and I said, "Only if they talk to me first." Then she immediately made it my "homework" to initiate conversation with 2 or 3 men there. I'm not totally into forced conversation, but I see where she's going with this. It's all about putting yourself out there, taking risks, and embracing the social animal inside.

What I'm saying is, you have to get out there. Try not to worry so much about your past rejections. They are inconsequential if you let them be. The future could hold some amazing things for you if you open your mind to it.

[shh!]

I agree with Starbuck. Also, I think you need to be much more proactive about dating if your goal is to marry. I suggest you try some Catholic singles groups and look into speed dating for Catholics. Ask out LOTS of girls. You have to weed your way through them if you are ever going to find the right one.

[Shadow2121]

Have you ever seen that georgous girl whos dating that guy that you think WTF? Just do what he does...throw her down a flight of stairs by-weekly....

Seriously though, stop being so hard on yourself.... I had problems with my weight in high school, and had somewhat of the same effect...It wasn't until I put myself out there, and became confident did I realize that you could be the ugliest guy, and women will still like you if your funny, and confident....

If a women actually gets the chance to know you I bet you she would find you alot more attractive...especially them religious girls.

But no matter how much anyone tells you this, you have to learn it on your own. People can only show you the door so to speak.

[Junket]

I'm less than 5'5, so don't even use that pathetic excuse.

[d_j]

Like I said, I really don't have any hang-ups about my physical appearance. Yes, I am only 5'6" (short for a guy), but I can't do anything about it so I just do the best I can. I have been working out for 6 years and I have a great body, so that is not a problem either. I have had some dates with incredibly attractive women, so I know I can't be that bad in the looks department.

All my friends have gotten married over the last 4-5 years and most have kids. I don't go out often anymore, because social activities with them usually involve staying at someone's house because of the kids (ends up being like a family visit). Same problem at work. Everyone is generally older and most of them are married or at least in a relationship.

I work shift work around the clock, so my schedule is constantly changing (days, nights, weekends....etc). Social clubs and other similar outings don't work for me because I can't make it a lot of the time. Never tried speed dating, and I'm not sure I would even try. I'm afraid I'll go and there will be no one around the 25 year mark.

I was involved in some clubs at University but didn't have any luck meeting girls, so I don't really have any faith that would help now.

I appreciate everyone's responses and suggestions. Some days I feel so fried and just want to give up because everything seems so hoepless.

[Dasein]

Never tried speed dating, and I'm not sure I would even try. I'm afraid I'll go and there will be no one around the 25 year mark.

Why not? You need to go beyond your comfort zone sometimes. Speed dating is for all ages.

I think you are in a mental rut more than anything. The more you focus that things are helpless the more you will MAKE them helpless.

Why not try online dating..seriously what do you have to lose?

[d_j]

Why does everyone tell you to "stop looking" and to "just be happy being single"?

I never got that one. I've been single my whole life, and never felt like my life was complete. I'm not expecting to meet someone and it being a fairytale, but I don't see how you can "enjoy" being single. Maybe some people can be happy single, but I know for certain that I would be much happier if I was married.

I keep having a friend tell me he has some girls that he would like me to meet. I always tell him that I will give it a shot (cause I have nothing to lose), but he never does anything to arrange a casual meet. But he brings it up often, always telling me he will set something up. He always gets my hopes up, but they never materialize into anything.

I seem to go through a cycle. For a few weeks, I feel fine being single, and I am kind of happy that I don't have all the b.s. a girlfriend brings. Then I see something or have something happen that makes me feel really lonely. I'm at that point now, where I feel like I have lost all hope of finding that special someone, and have no desire to try and meet anyone.

[lovesjoyajm]

Why does everyone tell you to "stop looking" and to "just be happy being single"?

I never got that one. I've been single my whole life, and never felt like my life was complete. I'm not expecting to meet someone and it being a fairytale, but I don't see how you can "enjoy" being single. Maybe some people can be happy single, but I know for certain that I would be much happier if I was married.

I seem to go through a cycle. For a few weeks, I feel fine being single, and I am kind of happy that I don't have all the b.s. a girlfriend brings. Then I see something or have something happen that makes me feel really lonely. I'm at that point now, where I feel like I have lost all hope of finding that special someone, and have no desire to try and meet anyone.

d_j, I'm in your situation as well (but I'm a girl) - 23 and a half, Roman Catholic, never had a boyfriend. And I've often gone through the mental anguish you're talking about.

As far as people telling you to "be happy being single", I understand that it sounds like complete bullshit and it makes me mad too when people in decent relationships tell me that, people who have no idea what it's like to feel like some kind of mutant who can't find someone to be with.

The one thing I take from that is that you need to do things for YOURSELF and take care of YOURSELF first. Think of it this way: take advantage of the time you have to yourself to make yourself into the best possible version of you, or at least do things that are solely for your enjoyment. For example, this year I'm basically alone in a foreign country and I haven't gone on a date, but I have:
- taken Italian classes and traveled to Italy
- taken a ceramics class
- started guitar lessons
- pushed myself really hard to get over a guy I was hung up on, and succeeded
- learned how to cook
- learned how to live on a budget (more or less)
I've turned this year into an opportunity to do many of the things that have ever interested in me, so when I go home I won't think of it as another lonely year but rather a productive year where I created my own happiness.

Also, you say that you're sure you'd be happier if you were married. I feel that way too, but you really do need to recognize the good things in your life. You already know that marriage isn't some kind of fairytale and you need to build yourself a platform so that you won't be left with absolutely nothing if you find a relationship and it doesn't work out.

And with the "stop looking" - I could be mistaken here because I've never gotten to the "relationship" stage, but I think it's really true that love will find you when you least expect it. I've never fallen for a guy at a party or in an environment where I thought "maybe the guy for me will be here." It's always been unexpected.

You're responsible for your own life and your own happiness. Just don't let someone else - or the absence of someone else - take that choice away from you. You only have one life to be happy.

[Indignant]

I'm less than 5'5, so don't even use that pathetic excuse.

what! you're shorter than me!

[Babeejulss]

DJ,

Have you thought about finding someone at the gym? You say you've been working out for awhile and you are in good shape. Then why not look for someone at the gym, where you are most comfortable. I have had guys come up to me and say "Here let me show you how to do this properly..." and of course i let them show me... Nothing ever came of these because I have always been in a relationship. However, it did make me feel good about myself.

Also, what is your real name? DJ sounds kind of young. Maybe you should start using your real name.

Recently, I ran into a guy that I had known since elementary school and all thru-out highschool... I said OMG Billy, it is so nice to see you. And my friend clued me in and said he likes to be called William or Will now. Billy sounded kind of young and immature so he decided to revert back to his given name.

Just a thought.

Julie

[TremblingBluSta]

Have you ever seen that georgous girl whos dating that guy that you think WTF? Just do what he does...

I tried that once. He told me to get the hell off his lap an stop eating his dinner! :-(

To summarize what everybody else has said - looks are only 50% of the equation *note: I pulled this statistic out of my bum* There are plenty of average to bottom-feeder looking guys who have no problems attracting women. It's all about what you say to them and how you say it.