3 years lost. I need some advice on how to cope with it.

[swargolet]

Here is the forum where it all started.
loveforum.net/ask-female-forum/26239-girlfriend-has-feelings-someone-else.html#post402013

My gf and I JUST broke-up after 3 lovely years. We had some amazing time and like everyone we had some bad ones. It all ended because she lost feelings for me and I believe due to her age (17) she wanted to get out and see what else was out there. I don't blame her at all. I feel extremely hurt for a couple reasons.

1. This literally came out of no where. 3 days ago I thought our relationship was awesome and there were no problems then she drops the bomb on me. She told me she felt this way for awhile now, I really wish she wouldve ended it sooner or maybe just told me so we could try to fix it. She told me that she just didnt want to hurt my feelings which is why she didn't tell me.

2. I currently have NO ONE to talk to about this. I need help badly and there is no one around or anyone I'd even consider talked with on the phone. The only person I would talk with is my Mom and she passed a little over a year ago. This also makes this break up 10x worse as my gf sort of filled the emotional void that my mom left. I just want someone to talk to.

3. She lives with my family back at home so when I go home for xmas break in 4 days she will be there every damn day. I will see her beautiful face, her amazing smile, everything about her and it will just feel like a punch in the mouth everytime I see her. I will just want to run up to her and hug her and kiss her and smother her but I know I can't. This is really going to hurt me. How can I deal with this?

4. How will I be able to deal with her seeing other guys? She has feelings for another guy and I'm 99% sure they will be dating sometime soon. Which is another punch in the face. So how can I deal with seeing that or anything at all?

5. Since I'm away at college what do you guys think is the best way to deal with my emotions and what not now that I wont have anyone to talk to? I really can't see myself talking to her about this stuff at least not for awhile.

6. Why the hell am I always the one getting hurt. In the beginning of our relationship before we started dating she we almost tease me and then I'd ask her out and she would say no she likes someone else etc... Then during our relationship she made out with a guy once and she cuddled the night away with another guy and she got into drugs one night. Now I'm the one being dumped? It really seems like I'm the only one getting hurt in the relationship.

7. Is there really a general rule for how long it takes to get over someone? I think the "rule" is it will take 1 month for every 6 months youve been dating? So for me that would be about 6 months? Will it be even longer since we live together? I seriously can't deal with this. I don't see at all how I'll be able to. I'm not the kind of guy that can just find a girlfriend like it is nothing. I try and find the right one. Also given my school (engineering) it isn't like the pick here is that great. I'm not saying they are bad looking I'm just saying that there is pretty much 5 guys to every 1 girl.

8. I feel like I was just completely screwed over. The times when I couldve seen what else was out there are now gone. About a year before my gf and I started dating I had feelings for 2 other girls. I never really pursued them because the feelings I had for my gf (ex) were stronger. Also while I was dating my gf I had small feelings for someone else but I knew my gf would always be there for me so I avoided those feelings and that girl, which did help. Now I lost 3 potential girls I couldve date, and when she starts to have feelings for 1 guy I completely lose her. Also... Her true beauty is really shining through right now. She had braces half the time her and I were together she really wasnt fully matured, and she had some weight and these things made many guys not attracted to her. I looked past all that and I saw her inner beauty. Now that she lost some weight, fully matured, and her braces are off(she has one amazing smile!) Other guys are becoming interested. It just makes me feel like the guys want her only for her looks and are going to just end up hurting her, and it also seems like I was a backup for her, so when she couldnt get anyone else I was the one she chose.

9. Lastly, how can I deal with the loss of my mom? This whole relationship problem showed me just how much my mom was there for me, and now when I need her most she isnt there.

Any help at all would be greatly appreciated. Mostly the one about how I can deal with it when I go home. I'm thinking about spending a few nights out of the house, just wherever I can go, I dont care right now. I just want to leave.

[MisterFlapJack]

Oh man, I posted in your other thread, but I didn't know she was staying at your home with your family.

When she ended it so suddenly, it probably felt like she pushed you out of an airplane. So you have got to create a "soft landing". I don't know how long you can avoid her for. When you finally do see her you're going to get emotional every time. I say you just go home, see her, talk to her, and try to get past your emotions. Hopefully soon enough, you guys will start looking at each other as just friends.

[swargolet]

Yes I want that so bad. I would love to be good friends with her.

I have started thinking lately about certain things. When I lost my mom I always looked at what I couldve done or if I had the chance to do one last thing what it would be.

When I go home and see her I'm wondering if I should just try and let it all go or if I should try and savor the last moment.

I want to go home and try and spend the last minutes with her as I would if we were still dating. I just want to feel that last touch that last feeling. It is probably insanely selfish but I dont know how I can deal with not being close at least one more time. Now let me clarify close. With close I mean getting a huge hug, kiss, cuddle, and sex. I just want to have that last feeling of intimacy with her. I have heard people say that sex after a break up is bad, but I dont know what I'll do if I dont get to spend one last intimate moment with her. It also isn't JUST sex. Ya it feels good, I dont want to be using her which I'm sure that is what it sounds like. I just loved feeling her touch on me (even non sexually). I loved the before and after feeling.

Is this bad? Will this end up making things worse and harder between us? This isn't intended to be a last ditch effort to rekindle are relationship, it really is just supposed to be the last touch I'll be feeling from her. I don't want to lose that last feeling I really don't.
Please give me your thoughts.

[IndiReloaded]

Poor guy, that sucks. Very sorry for your loss of your mom.

I think she would be sad to know you are feeling so bad right now. As for your ex, its really true: nothing lasts forever.

There's no good way to help someone grieve except to give them time and listen. We do both here at LF very well. Welcome.

[swargolet]

I cant deal with this I really cant. I desperately need help. I can't sleep, concentrate, eat, anything. It feels so unreal to me. I'm shaking uncontrollably and I can't help it. I feel like I'll go back home and everything will be fine.
I told her last night that I didn't wanted to try to not talk with her through texts, phone, email, or in person, but this is proving next to impossible for me. She is the only one left in my life that I can talk to. She kepy me sane the years after my moms death.
I don't know what I'll do. I just can't go on like this, it isnt healthy for me. I only got 5 hours of sleep which was the same as last night. Every time I get back in my bed my mind just wonders off and I can't sleep. I honestly don't think this is just due to the break up, I think some of my grief is also coming out from my mom. In times of death and breakup you need someone to talk to. I have no one. I just had her.

[lovesjoyajm]

Aww, dude. That's really terrible, all of - I feel for you. You really need a third-party, a friend whom you can go to with all of these feelings, who isn't your ex. If you don't have ANYONE, what about going to some kind of counseling?

Otherwise, I'd say: if she's really serious about not having feelings for you anymore, you should try not to be around her. How long will you be home for? Keep yourself busy for as much of that time as you can, away from her. Not only will it keep your mind off her (as much as that's possible), you'll feel more productive, and be able to sleep better at night.

And just know that it'll pass. You can feel that you've been wronged and that you're always getting hurt, but time really does heal wounds. Be gentle with yourself. It will be hard at first, but live every day looking forward to the day that you can wake up and not feel this pain.

Good luck!! come back here whenever you need help and support!!

[swargolet]

Thanks!
I have all these positive thoughts in my head such as "You'll meet someone else even better" or "there is a lot more too look forward to in life" but I just can't take them to heart.
The problem with counseling is they aren't there when you need them. You have to make an appointment and just wait. I also don't feel the physical, emotional, mental connection with them. I did just get off the phone with my ex which is know is REALLY bad, i just needed someone to talk to and she is the only one somewhat left for me. I'm sure we will stay close friends and I hope she will be the type of person I could call up at 1 AM and she'll just listen. Im pretty sure I could do that for her.
I know life goes on, and I also know that this will probably happen 2,3,4 more times in my life. I dont know if it will be this hard since this is all being jumbled together with the loss of my mom.
Also ya I just got off the phone with my ex (still hard to say) but really I dont feel as if we talked as bf and gf but more as friends. And she helped put me at ease. Really I just needed her to be a punching bag for me. I actually said things like "her" or "she" and her name, instead of saying "you" or "us" etc... So I almost made her a different person. Which I think helped.

I will be home for 1 month which is going to suck. I also come home in the summer for 3 months. I have tried to already make plans with friends, I will probably be staying at other peoples houses for the majority of the break. I would still love to see her but it might just make it really hard for me.
Also I was wondering if you guys had any opinions on what I said in post #3 about being close one last time. I wish that I couldve been there with my mom one last time, held her hand, talked to her, hugged her.
I feel the same with the break up. I want to feel that last touch, feeling. I want to get that last big kiss, big hug, cuddling, sex, etc... My friend said he did this all one last time before he broke it off with his gf and he said it did seem to help. I'm just wondering if she won't be as loving during all.any of this and it just wont feel the same for me. She said she lost feelings for me 3 months ago so really all the time we spent during those 3 months were a big lie and it seems now that she was just putting on a front. What are your opinions?

[Everlovin]

Well the best thing I can tell you is that when you see the "signs" that something isn't going to work out, break off the relationship.

Most people know that there are significant compatability issues three, four or five months into a relationship. Thats the time to break up. Why stay with someone for three years and fall further and further in love with them when you are butting heads and its only gonnna hurt worse when you wait longer and break up?

I hope you feel better. I am just telling you this so you can see it and maybe save yourself the heartache later on.

[swargolet]

Thanks.
Neither of us actually saw compatibility issues in the beginning. It really was a great relationship. What really killed it was the distance. It is hard to keep the feelings there if you can rarely see eachother, and I guess I didnt make it much better by being mono tone on the phone and such.
I've been doing things today to try and cope with it all. I went on a jog, studied for my physics final. This christmas I offered to help out a food pantry in my town, since this will not only get me out of the house but it will probably make me feel better about myself. I am also going to a counselor again today and maybe tomorrow.

[Everlovin]

Good, let me tell you I have experienced some loss in my life lately too, so let me offer some other suggestions of good activities.

1. Massages- helps with relaxation.

2. Hanging out with friends and doing things that you did when you were younger like video game arcades, go kart racing.

3. Watching movies.

4. Spa, Suana, Steam Room -again relaxation.

5. Dancing, I go to a dance club which is free but you are required to dance everyweek and there are pretty girls there: poor me.

6. Visiting old friends, sightseeing and roadtrips. If you aren't working, have a break from school or otherwise have the time.

7. Acting, I took a junior college class a few years back, its a lot of fun and I find its a great outlett where people will praise you for "appearing" angry, sad, etc.

8. Going out to dinner and splurging on yourself. Once in a while of course, bring a friend or go by yourself and sit in the corner. Its all good. Embrace being alone, in a way thats what this time is for.

Good job with the excercise. Very important. This is actually and area that I know a lot about so I can tell you some good stuff about exercise.

Keep your chin up.

[lovesjoyajm]

7. Is there really a general rule for how long it takes to get over someone? I think the "rule" is it will take 1 month for every 6 months youve been dating? So for me that would be about 6 months?

I think you need to be careful with formulas like this, by the way. First of all, if six months go by and, God forbid, you're still feeling like crap, you don't want to feel like you're somehow "abnormal" - everyone is different.

But more importantly, in my opinion, in the more likely case that 4 months from now, you're feeling ok, thinking you're over her - you don't want to give yourself that "oh, but I can be miserable for 2 more months" wiggle room. Just focus on doing things that make you happy so you can forget about being sad, and it'll take as long as it takes.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, that's bad. Home is the place you are supposed to be able to retreat to in times of crisis- and now the crisis is going to be right there.

I recommend posting here daily until you feel better. It's consistent.

[swargolet]

Thanks guys for all your kind words.
I went to see the counselor today and that was helpful. I seem to emotionally be getting better. I talked to someone here in college who was sort of a friend but not too close. I'm trying to get closer with people here. So that also helped.
When I was with the counselor I started to get emotional over things such as going back home and seeing her again. Ot even the memories in every room of that house, at the park down the road, the restaurant near by, the high school, etc... and that really hurt me.
Then once again when I started talking about my mom I was getting all torn up inside. I was affected when she passed but really didnt break down at all. I'm thinking that it is all coming out now. The only time I broke down before is when I was told she had cancer and that it was bad, I also somewhat broke down when the casket was closed but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. So really much of this break up is just those feelings.
I am trying my hardest to stay busy with studying, friends, etc... but it seems like when things start to become better something else happens.
I just got back from my last "final". I went to the correct room at the correct time and no one was there. I found out the final was 4 hours earlier even though the syllabus said 5-7. I was devastated.
I dont know if I said this above but I do plan on possibly staying at other places over the break such as aunts house, or cousins house etc...
Also could someone please comment on that last touch that I'm craving. That last emotional, physical, sexual, mental touch. I missed that with my mom, I wasnt there when she passed to hug her talk to her hold her, and I feel like I'm going to miss that here. I want to just feel that last touch and the last feeling. My counselor said that it seems like half the people that works the other half it makes it worse and that I should just wait until the time comes and see how it feels.

[IndiReloaded]

Good, let me tell you I have experienced some loss in my life lately too, so let me offer some other suggestions of good activities.

1. Massages- helps with relaxation.

2. Hanging out with friends and doing things that you did when you were younger like video game arcades, go kart racing.

3. Watching movies.

4. Spa, Suana, Steam Room -again relaxation.

5. Dancing, I go to a dance club which is free but you are required to dance everyweek and there are pretty girls there: poor me.

6. Visiting old friends, sightseeing and roadtrips. If you aren't working, have a break from school or otherwise have the time.

7. Acting, I took a junior college class a few years back, its a lot of fun and I find its a great outlett where people will praise you for "appearing" angry, sad, etc.

8. Going out to dinner and splurging on yourself. Once in a while of course, bring a friend or go by yourself and sit in the corner. Its all good. Embrace being alone, in a way thats what this time is for.

9. Working hard in your job.

Good job with the excercise. Very important. This is actually and area that I know a lot about so I can tell you some good stuff about exercise.

Keep your chin up.

I fixed your post, Ever.

[swargolet]

I'm really having problems with keeping my distance from her. I'm still in college but I'm going back home tonight. Yesterday I called her up really early in the morning. She texted me 3 times since then and all 3 times I ignored it. I then asked her mom id she thought I should text back/call or not. Well I couldnt take it anymore and I called her. I made it so it wasn't an emotional call, there really weren't any emotions shown at all which made it better. This is telling me that it wont be as hard as I thought later on until some big event comes along such as me finding out she has a bf, or v-day, anniversary, etc...
Since I live with her it is extremely difficult to be away from her. Before this all happened I invited her to go to a xmas eve party on my moms side of the family. I would still love for her to go but I dont know if it is the right thing to do. I also would like to go xmas shopping with her tomorrow since she is great at knowing what to get for people and it would be quite helpful. Her older brother would go along also. Should I do this or not?

Lastly... I found out that she is going to be hanging out with the guy she has feelings for this weekend. I didnt want to find out, I didnt even try to. To me this seems disrespectful since she knows it would hurt me. Should I kindly ask her not to just yet or should I just stay out of it. She did say that she was not going to date him for a little bit to make it easier on me and I completely respect her for that, I just hope she can keep that promise. It will just hurt me to see her leave the house knowing that she is going to be hanging out with him. I really dont want to "control" her. I didn't really in our relationship, but like I said up above, it just seems rude of her to go out with him this soon.