Girlfriends past is haunting me....Ladies advice please

[carmine_1]

Ladies,

I would really appreciate some advice on this one. This is new territory for me.

ok, I'm 38 years old, Divorced, and in a relationship, with a WONDERFUL women. I mean really she's incredible. Recently some things have come up that I'm not sure how to handle. and they are bothering me allot.

some background on us first. We knew each other 16 years ago, just friends, each of us wanted more back then but were too shy to tell each other, so we hung out as friends and had the best time together. Fast forward a few years we lost touch, She moved away, got married had kids, got divorced, I got married had kids got divorced. And we reconnected two years ago, professed our feelings for each other. We were so happy to find out the other felt the same back then, I have never stopped thinking about her all these years and she never stopped thinking about me....we get together and WHAMO! fireworks, passion, instant love, I mean like OMG! it was amazing, and still is. She lived in a different state though, so I flew back and forth every two weeks to see her and she would fly to see me, until recently I moved to be with her. Kids came with me. so don't worry about that.

So on to the issue:

She told me in the beginning that between her getting separated and getting together with me, there had been a few dates but no sexual partners. Me, I had not been with anyone in between my divorce and getting together with her. Well.....I come to find out that there was a guy before me, a full on boyfriend she was sleeping with.....OK.....She lied, she didn't want me to think badly of her, which I wouldn't have, I would expect someone in a bad loveless marriage to go out and seek affection and love and sex after the separation, men and women alike. We discussed, I got over it. I hate that she lied, but I understood why. Now, I find out there was 2nd guy, she was also sleeping with and had a pregnancy scare with. Now I'm getting upset. I moved into her house, and while cleaning out a closet, I find 4 boxes of empty pregnancy tests. that's 12 pregnancy tests. 3 in each box. So now I'm getting really angry. because the picture that finding those boxes paints is a very different picture than what she has told me, To me, it says she was sleeping around probably with more than two guys CLEARLY unprotected and unsafe, then jumps into bed with me and lies and says "no, I haven't slept with anyone but you since the separation"

This hurts on many levels,

One, she lied about this, two she made me feel things in the beginning, like we shared this wonderful intimate experience being each others firsts after marriage, and I really liked having that with her, it meant allot to me......But come to find out that she shared that experience with someone else, and lied to me about it, and the lie just kept getting worse. not 1 guy but two....empty pregnancy tests in the closet, not one box but 4......it's killing me...

So ladies, before I found out about all this, I asked her to marry me, I had written off marriage after my first wife "never again!" I said ......but She changed my mind on the topic unknowingly, and I could really see myself with her forever. But this new info is eating away at me.

Why would she deceive me like that?
what should I think of her?
are my feelings changing for her?
Do I really want to marry a women who can do this ?
was it really just two guys?

I never get hung up on women's past sexual partners, I have been with women that had a high number, and women with very few.....it really doesn't matter to me, and I could care less about her sexual partners before she got married, I don't want to know her number, but what does bother me is the lie, it started as 1 then it was two, and the recent empty pregnancy tests suggest a whole lot more unsafe sex, and jumps into bed with me and tells me I'm the only one? Why would a women do that, should I be as hung up on this as I am?

Oh and this is not the house she lived in with her ex husband she moved here after the separation, so the tests are from after the separation, its not like I can say "Oh those are probably when she was testing with her husband"

Anyway a little guidance from the ladies would be much appreciated, I didn't post this in the "ask men" forum cause i don't want to hear...."she's a lying slut get rid of her" and all that macho man crap.....I would really love an honest opinion from some of the female contingent...

THANKS!!!!

[smackie9]

Why she lied? Because that is the type of person she is, and this has nothing to do with you, she is what she is. She's immature, irresponsable, makes very poor choices and is a liar. Who knows what other crap she has lied to you about. You should look past what you heart is feeling and see this as a warning of more trouble to come.

If it were me and a man that I was dating lied about things like that, it would most definitly be a deal breaker for me. I would take it as being disrespectful of me and our relationship. Obviously this woman doesn't see any real value in you enough to be honest. She is conning her way in, and hoping she will have enough strong hold on you to no want to let her go. It's very sick IMO for someone to go through those deceitful lengths just to keep a man. She's playing games, so ya she is a lying slut and you should dump her ass.

[carmine_1]

Why she lied? Because that is the type of person she is, and this has nothing to do with you, she is what she is. She's immature, irresponsable, makes very poor choices and is a liar. Who knows what other crap she has lied to you about. You should look past what you heart is feeling and see this as a warning of more trouble to come.

If it were me and a man that I was dating lied about things like that, it would most definitly be a deal breaker for me. I would take it as being disrespectful of me and our relationship. Obviously this woman doesn't see any real value in you enough to be honest. She is conning her way in, and hoping she will have enough strong hold on you to no want to let her go. It's very sick IMO for someone to go through those deceitful lengths just to keep a man. She's playing games, so ya she is a lying slut and you should dump her ass.

Interesting, coming from a women, and thank you for the reply. I figured most people, men and women would feel the same

Now......OTHER THAN THIS! and THIS is quite the huge issue for me. She really is amazing, and we talk about lots of stuff, past relationships, seems she has had her fair share of asshole men, she even married one, bad boy type ya know, then I come along and treat her like princess, add to that the past feelings that she had for me and I for her, and the relationship instantly easy, and perfect, no fighting, for two years, She's kind of softened some hard edges for me, shes sweet shes funny, she's affectionate.....sex is omg good.....but I have had good sex before......so its not based solely on the sex, there is a real connection there.....something I haven't felt with any other women......So you can see my dilemma.......are past behaviors indicators of future behaviors? I have lost trust in her, I know she's a very friendly flirty type, always had a boyfriend but was always independent, So I don't know, this is just eating me up

[rest77]

"Now......OTHER THAN THIS! and THIS is quite the huge issue for me. She really is amazing, and we talk about lots of stuff, past relationships, seems she has had her fair share of asshole men, she even married one, bad boy type ya know, then I come along and treat her like princess, add to that the past feelings that she had for me and I for her, and the relationship instantly easy, and perfect, no fighting, for two years, She's kind of softened some hard edges for me, shes sweet shes funny, she's affectionate.....sex is omg good.....but I have had good sex before......so its not based solely on the sex, there is a real connection there.....something I haven't felt with any other women......So you can see my dilemma.......are past behaviors indicators of future behaviors? I have lost trust in her, I know she's a very friendly flirty type, always had a boyfriend but was always independent, So I don't know, this is just eating me up"


Is not enough to dump her, NO. Tell her you both need to Talk!
You want a good reason why she lied about this issue that is bothering you. Might be she thought you would walk away after her telling all of it or she was afraid, insecure and ashamed of telling you the whole truth about her "Past" her relationships. Most people are probably not willing to share all the truth about their past, because of shame and rejection or lack of trust. Open up to her about how you feel hurt and betrayed after what you saw in her closet, tell her how much you love and respect her. But that you do really want to know the truth.

[carmine_1]

Is not enough to dump her, NO. Tell her you both need to Talk!
You want a good reason why she lied about this issue that is bothering you. Might be she thought you would walk away after her telling all of it or she was afraid, insecure and ashamed of telling you the whole truth about her "Past" her relationships. Most people are probably not willing to share all the truth about their past, because of shame and rejection or lack of trust. Open up to her about how you feel hurt and betrayed after what you saw in her closet, tell her how much you love and respect her. But that you do really want to know the truth.

OK....I can do that......However this issue is kind of old but kind of new, I found out about the two guys over this last summer around august. The boxes in the closet, I just found about two weeks ago. So far as she is concerned this issue has been discussed, I'm over it or so she thinks, and we are NOT very confrontational people, we hate this sorta thing, and I think that stems from us having a VERY good, fun, passionate, and genuinely loving relationship, I would say open and honest too, but that seems to be only on my part right now. So the issue is over and done to her, I don't treat her any different since finding this stuff out, but the lie seems to be growing......and getting worse, and really I was never concerned with this stuff in a relationship before, but now I feel lied to and deceived, and I need to know the truth.....So lets say I talk to her, she gets defensive as I would expect any women too when you go prying into her past, Whats the best outcome? Things are really good right now, and I don't see us slowing down......but this just may be too much for me to handle, I'm supposed to stand at the alter with her and NOT think about this stuff? UGH.......

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Oh and BTW, I have up rooted my life and moved my children quite a distance to be with this women, secured a new job in this area that is an absolute dream job, I mean it all came together like it was meant to be. So I followed my heart, and now I feel duped and deceived. So dumping her flat out may not be the move....and if it is it will be a very difficult one....I have to move out with my kids, find a place around here so I can keep my job.....it's pretty complicated, and again I know all that is an excuse but I hate to upset her kids and mine, and put them through a move, and loss of a parent figure AGAIN.....they have all been through so much already......UGH just want to scream

[searock]

Hm I think she may have lied because in her previous experiences with men, they would always give her sh*t because of her past. There are many guys who get all upset when they realize that their partner has had previous sexual partners. You clearly are not one of them (good for you ), but maybe she thought you could have reacted badly? Mind you, I'm not saying that this justifies her lies, I'm just saying that it might explain why she lied. Especially since, as you said, her ex was a douche (i.e. exactly the kind of guy that would give her sh*t for having slept with other men before him).

If this is the ONLY thing she's ever lied to you about, then maybe it's worth giving her another chance. Maybe she really just did it because she was afraid you would have freaked out, who knows.

By the way, did you ask her why she lied? What did she say?

[carmine_1]

Hm I think she may have lied because in her previous experiences with men, they would always give her sh*t because of her past. There are many guys who get all upset when they realize that their partner has had previous sexual partners. You clearly are not one of them (good for you ), but maybe she thought you could have reacted badly? Mind you, I'm not saying that this justifies her lies, I'm just saying that it might explain why she lied. Especially since, as you said, her ex was a douche (i.e. exactly the kind of guy that would give her sh*t for having slept with other men before him).

If this is the ONLY thing she's ever lied to you about, then maybe it's worth giving her another chance. Maybe she really just did it because she was afraid you would have freaked out, who knows.

By the way, did you ask her why she lied? What did she say?

When I asked her, when I found out about the first guy, her knee jerk reaction was to continue to lie, even though I had the proof right there, the proof by the way was a letter he had written to her, asking her why she disappeared, and why he hasn't heard from her after having sex and being intimate it seems she dropped him, So....found that letter by chance in the dresser drawer while transferring clothes from one dresser to another. She said continued "I didn't sleep with him !" I said, " I may be a nice guy but I'm not dumb" she replied "fine! I slept with him once!" and then she broke down crying, saying "I bet you're gonna leave me now" and honestly, this was on one of the trips where I was visiting her for the weekend, and I packed my shit and I was just gonna be out......but figured I would at least hear her out, and I asked then, I said " this hurts, you lied to me, and I understand why, but please tell me if there is anything else I should know about that period in time, becuase now I don't beleive you" she cried again, and apologized, and promised there was nothing else, a few days later guy no.2 gets discovered. I confronted, she yelled at me, "WTF you want to know every guy I have ever slept with!" to which I replied "no but I do want to know the truth about this period of time between getting separated and getting together with me, cause now I don't know what to believe" She says "fine you wanna know the truth, I slept with 2 people in that time, I was in a very bad sexless love less marriage, and I was going though a dark period" I dropped it after that......Then I find the 4 boxes a few week ago, now, she says she slept with guy number 1 only once, and had ONE pregnancy scare with guy number 2....so why 4 empty boxes, I have no choice but not to believe her, and again if there is more to this story more un safe multiple partner sexcapades before me, and she decided to jump in bed with me and lie about it? I'm not sure that's something I can handle

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When I asked her, when I found out about the first guy, her knee jerk reaction was to continue to lie, even though I had the proof right there, the proof by the way was a letter he had written to her, asking her why she disappeared, and why he hasn't heard from her after having sex and being intimate it seems she dropped him, So....found that letter by chance in the dresser drawer while transferring clothes from one dresser to another. She said continued "I didn't sleep with him !" I said, " I may be a nice guy but I'm not dumb" she replied "fine! I slept with him once!" and then she broke down crying, saying "I bet you're gonna leave me now" and honestly, this was on one of the trips where I was visiting her for the weekend, and I packed my shit and I was just gonna be out......but figured I would at least hear her out, and I asked then, I said " this hurts, you lied to me, and I understand why, but please tell me if there is anything else I should know about that period in time, becuase now I don't beleive you" she cried again, and apologized, and promised there was nothing else, a few days later guy no.2 gets discovered. I confronted, she yelled at me, "WTF you want to know every guy I have ever slept with!" to which I replied "no but I do want to know the truth about this period of time between getting separated and getting together with me, cause now I don't know what to believe" She says "fine you wanna know the truth, I slept with 2 people in that time, I was in a very bad sexless love less marriage, and I was going though a dark period" I dropped it after that......Then I find the 4 boxes a few week ago, now, she says she slept with guy number 1 only once, and had ONE pregnancy scare with guy number 2....so why 4 empty boxes, I have no choice but not to believe her, and again if there is more to this story more un safe multiple partner sexcapades before me, and she decided to jump in bed with me and lie about it? I'm not sure that's something I can handle

OH.....I should also add that she never tried to hide these past relationships from anyone else, there was pics of the them on facebook at one point....so it was NEVER a secret to anyone else, I didn't see any of these pics, this is just what she told me told me.....I was never one to stalk a FB page so I guess I never saw them.....but if it was an open no secretive thing, and there was evidence of it on the web....why would she hide it from me? I don't get that.....any way just a bit more info for you guys to chew on.....

[smackie9]

Interesting, coming from a women, and thank you for the reply. I figured most people, men and women would feel the same

Now......OTHER THAN THIS! and THIS is quite the huge issue for me. She really is amazing, and we talk about lots of stuff, past relationships, seems she has had her fair share of asshole men, she even married one, bad boy type ya know, then I come along and treat her like princess, add to that the past feelings that she had for me and I for her, and the relationship instantly easy, and perfect, no fighting, for two years, She's kind of softened some hard edges for me, shes sweet shes funny, she's affectionate.....sex is omg good.....but I have had good sex before......so its not based solely on the sex, there is a real connection there.....something I haven't felt with any other women......So you can see my dilemma.......are past behaviors indicators of future behaviors? I have lost trust in her, I know she's a very friendly flirty type, always had a boyfriend but was always independent, So I don't know, this is just eating me up

This is not a long ago past, this is recent, and don't blame the "assholes" she dated (lame). She chose to date them, and she's a big enough girl, she had full control over her own actions.

Don't say I never warned you.

[Smila]

But you know no lady would be comfortable telling you about her sexual past? All you'll do is get hurt. But as a matter of fact, i don't understand why you are soo hung up on her past sexual partners. All you have succeeded in doing is putting yourselves on a slippery slope.

[LittleMadam]

It doesnt matter if it was 1 or 20 people she slept with when she left her husband. It also doesnt matter if she chooses to keep them from you as it was none of your business then, same as now.

I would suggest getting yourself checked at the clinic though. Then if you have anything, you have reasons to be upset about her keeping her past sexual relations from you.

As for pregnancy tests. I have the implanon. Sometimes i get so paranoid about getting pregnant, i have in the past used more than 10 tests within a 4 week period - even whilst on the implanon. So just because you found all of those boxes, doesnt mean there was numerous sexual partners

[carmine_1]

Why am I hung up on it?

Well here's why.

She made up allot of stories about how I was the first one she slept with after her marriage, how she loved having that intimate first sexual encounter after being in sexless marriage for so long...and that it was with me, after all these years, and she made me feel that her and I shared this wonderful experience after both being in shitty marriages, and we talked allot about it......She would tell me how even though she was in a sexless marriage she didn't go out and sleep with the whole town after not getting any for so long, and when her and I reconnected that she knew ok this is the one I'm going to break the fast with......and she was SOOOOO glad it was me that she was so glad she didn't just jump into bed with some random guy, and the stories go on and on.....even as far as telling me conversations that she had (which she really didn't) with her friends about how she reconnected with me, and she can't wait to have sex for the first time after marriage with me, and on and on and on.......so to hear all that, and then get sm,acked in the face with the actual truth....yeah you might say I'm a bit hung up on that......

.I am btw NOT hung up on her WHOLE sexual past, like I said there was 16 years between us being friends and getting together romantically.....so I would assume she has more than a few notches on her belt and that doesn't bother me one bit......its the point in time that she decided to deceive me about that I'm hung up on because I WAS TOLD something and made to feel something completely different .....So lets not get this twisted, this isn't a "OMG my girlfriend has a really high number issue" that I could care less about.....like I said its this particular period in time....... and smackie9 I consider myself warned.....why are you saying warned....do you know women that have done this? is there an example you can share, are you yourself guilty of doing anything like this in a relationship?

[LittleMadam]

I can see your point.
I understand you thought you shared something special with her and now slowly finding out it was all a lie.

Only thing i can think of is she could see how much you liked the idea of sharing something speical, she kind of dug herself a hole...

I would suggest getting checked out, and asking why she felt the need to lie to you.

[carmine_1]

Well yes she did dig her self a whole, and getting checked out now? two years later? kinda doesn't matter now, if I had something I would have known by now.....but still, I will......and still its the lie, and the deception, do I chose to go forward with her ? Marry her? or cut bait and run.....

[searock]

Considering how she reacted when you found out about the first one ("I guess you're going to leave me now?"), I'd say she really was afraid that you wouldn't be ok with her sleeping with other men, and that's why she didn't tell you straight away. She probably had experiences in the past with men who would give her all sorts of crap for having slept with other guys before them, so she didn't want you to leave because of that.

Would you still have stayed with her, had you known since the start that she had slept with two or more guys since she left her husband, before dating you?

[smackie9]

Well lets put it this way, heroin makes you feel good too, but it doesn't mean it's good for your wellbeing. She may make yiu feel on top of the world, doesn't mean this is a good thing. When people get infactuated with each other, they tend to rather overlook the warning signs to keep the good feeling going, like "How can this wonderful person, that makes me swoon, could be such a bad person?!" It's called denile. yes I have seen it for myself, these insecure women, sucking the life out of a guy who refuses to believe what everyone has told them. Please don't turn into the shining knight that thinks coming to her rescue, saving her from all the bad BFs, poor relationships, and that your love will change her, help her....... You will get burned, disappointed, trashed, and back here about after 4 to 6 months asking what went wrong.

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Tip: if you decide to stay, keep using condoms, and make sure you flush them right away. She's got the makings of trapping you with a pregnancy.