Should I fight for her or let it be?

[goodguy85]

I've been friends with this girl for 5 months who has a boyfriend. She moved from the east coast out here in the West to be with him for his new job.

She doesn't want to be with him, but doesn't know how to end it because they live together. He is her first boyfriend. She is very shy, very innocent, and a good heart. He is very controlling and is busy working at a hedge fund and doesnt spend time at home wih her. Tells her what to eat and how she should dress. She told him that she doesnt feel the same way about him anymore and he begged her that he's changed.

Our friendship morphed into a relationship and we realized that we are great for each other because we love each other's imperfections. Even though I wanted to, I never forced her to break up because that needed to be her decision. She also told me that she loves me so much. A month ago, I told her I couldn't keep seeing her for only 1hr every week because I wanted to be with her all the time. She cried and said her heart wants to be with me but she doesnt know why she cant leave this guy. Since that day she hasn't responded to any of my friendly calls to see how she is doing. I also emailed her a letter stating that I didn't think I would lose her as a friend .

The question is.. why is she avoiding me, how do i get back in her life and did I do something wrong to a potential love of my life?

[Gribble]

She made a dumb mistake. A very dumb mistake. You say she moved cross-country to live with this guy, right? Does she have family out there? A decent job? If she breaks up with this guy where is she going to go?

That, I think, is the real problem. Either she sticks around with this chump or she packs it up and returns to the East side.

[goodguy85]

Her family is back East. She wanted a change of scenery as well. I told her she could have stayed with me, until she figures things out ( I have a 3 bedrrom apt.).
I just wanted to know if I there was something I did wrong and is she wrong for not returning my calls.

[Cain]

Her family is back East. She wanted a change of scenery as well. I told her she could have stayed with me, until she figures things out ( I have a 3 bedrrom apt.).
I just wanted to know if I there was something I did wrong and is she wrong for not returning my calls.

I think her choosing this option would have been equally as stupid.

[carl1222]

[copied from your other thread on the same topic]

Hi Goodguy,

It's pretty easy to figure out what probably happened here.

Between her boyfriend and you, she had one good boyfriend. He gave her the stability and assertiveness that she needed with her submissive personality, but was cold and demeaning. You gave her the unconditional emotional support, respect and tenderness to fill in the gap.

As long as you were willing to accept an hour a week, she was able to comfortably juggle having a boyfriend and lover simultaneously. Truth is, she probably didn't want to leave either of you because you and her boyfriend complement each other so well. Once you made demands for more, i.e. an exclusive relationship, she finally had to choose and you were odd man out.

It's also possible that her boyfriend got wind of your affair (what self-respecting control freak boyfriend wouldn't have access to his girlfriend's phone, voicemail, email, etc.?) and forced her to shut you down.

What was your mistake? Getting involved in a romantic affair with a woman who was in a committed relationship!

Best of luck.

Carl.

[IndiReloaded]

If she wanted to be with you, she would leave her BF, bottom line.

She's not as stuck as you think. She could get a job, get independent. Her current guy is giving her *something* she needs.

Whether its healthy or not is another story.

That said, I don't think it would be any more healthy for her to 'jump' to you for the same reasons.

Do you know about 'monkey theory'? Remember that this gal is essentially using two guys: her BF to support her financially (sounds like) and the other emotionally (you). In order to get this little monkey to jump to you, you basically need to make your branch (i.e. you) look a lot more attractive & safe than the one she is currently sitting on (i.e. her BF).

Or you could just tell her to find her own tree to climb & call you when she's ready.