My tale of woe.

[CursumPerficio]

Where to begin my story?

I've never really been lucky in love, or for that matter known what it truly is (was?). Whenever I thought I was interested in a girl, the closest I could get was the proverbial 'friend zone', if anyone took interest at all. I had a brief long-distance relationship with a girl I met by chance, and that was fun, new, and worked well for me largely because my forte is (unfortunately?) my ability to write such wonderfully lyrical sentences, something that most girls seem to really like. That doesn't last too long because I'm new to the dating scene and go amiss so often (as a 19 year old most people I come up against have years of experience that I lack). So I traipse through life, my first kiss coming a few months before I turned 18, followed by a torrent of kisses, and similar things which for someone like me was a pretty major thing. Now for many years I've desired to serve in the military, and was finally accepted onto a course that was due to start early 2013 (I'm going to be deliberately subtle there). Prior to starting I was put in contact with some of the people I would join alongside, and that is where it all began...

So I started talking to her, we realised many of our interests aligned and very quickly started chatting more and more. She lived on the other side of the country so we couldn't dream of meeting prior to starting together the following year (which was roughly five months away), but the times we shared were wonderful all the same. From spending countless hours on the phone at night and through into the morning, to texting constantly; we really got along. We knew what we had was something special, and we never failed to admire how insane it was that we even knew the other existed. And this is where I first started to go astray, for initially I'd seen her as nothing more than a friend, because from what I could see on Facebook and other photos she never struck me as a real beauty, which for an eighteen year old contending with all the stereotypes of the world is unfortunately something I felt was important at the time. Back then, I never thought anything could become of it, but I carried on all the same, talking, texting, and constantly in split minds about what I really thought of her. I then went on a trip around Europe with a mate of mine, and it was brilliant, and everywhere I went I found a sim card so I could keep in touch with her. So I suppose we were basically in a long-distance relationship of sorts, but we'd never put any label on it. In Florence one evening, I kissed two girls. Right. I told her a few days later and she said something along the lines of "I was silly to think I had you to myself" but seemed to quickly get over it, and I think deep down inside she was pleased with my honesty.
I came home, I went back to my normal life, and finally, we started with the military.

So relationships aren't supposed to happen in this sort of environment, they evidently do happen, but they're not supposed to. And it quickly became apparent to those around us that everyone knew something was going on between us. Nothing else had happened between anyone, yet from so early on we spent every available moment talking to each other. Which in itself was incredibly difficult given we were in different training groups, hence splitting us up in daily activities and accommodation (hers being on the floor above me). Now we tried to organise to meet outside one evening, to briefly seal the past six months work with a kiss or something physical, but it was pouring down rain. The following morning she suggested simply (and overpoweringly erotically) that she'd pay me a visit that night.
She did. It was one of those moments I'll remember for the rest of my life, her hands shaking me awake with a jolt, climbing into my bed, etc etc etc. We were both virgins before that moment, and it changed us both forever. The first time we kissed was the first time we...well... yeah, you get the picture.

So it carried on like that, with midnight rendezvous on and off for weeks and weeks. We occasionally managed to get off base together and head into the city (which was 45 mins drive away because we're located in the middle of nowhere) where we'd have some fun, and do some stuff and generally enjoy life, however these moments were few and very, very far between due to the aforementioned training groups that left us separated constantly. Every time we managed to enter the other's room, there would be no time for talking, or playing around, it would be straight to business, then clean up and bail. Because simply put, we never knew when we'd be required for something, or someone would stumble across us, or there'd be a fire alarm or whatever. All through this time she grew more attached to me, but I didn't know what I saw in her, what I thought of her, or even if I wanted her. And I made the mistake of several times saying to people that there was either 'nothing between us' (in the interest of subtlety) or that I could get better. And I regret such things to this day.

Enter the third character. He was in her training group, a very smooth talking guy of our age, and one who was already in a relationship with a girl 'back home'. He was nothing strikingly attractive, nor particularly athletic, and certainly not very intelligent (although I didn't know the latter at that time). But he made an excellent friend for her. She often found herself receiving snide remarks from guys her age because by then it was no secret that she was involved with me. This guy was there for her where I couldn't be. Because they did the same things together constantly, she was able to spend those countless hours talking to him, being consoled by him and helping him when he decided to break up with his girlfriend. She in effect channeled all her emotional feelings for me, into him. And this was when things started to become difficult. As I finally grew attached to her, and I mean really attached, she grew further away from me, and into him. I couldn't spend the time with her that he was able to so freely, simply by merit of the training program. What started as a friend, quickly grew to become something else. She began going places with him at every available opportunity, she began almost ruling me out altogether, never wanting anything more from me than sex and the odd chat. I would ask her out somewhere and she'd decline, and it grew worse and worse. I knew it wasn't working, and I couldn't quite understand why. I told her I was starting to worry about what he was doing with her, and she said she was sorry, and seemed genuinely concerned, but nothing changed. It soon became apparent to me that he had been whispering poison into her ear about me for weeks and weeks and weeks. Little things that made her question me, question what she had with me and what she wanted from me. A man I would have given my life for was trying to take from me what I cared so much about.
And then the unthinkable happened. She broke up with me, she was in tears and kissing me the whole time, she said it was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. I was shattered.
I didn't know what to do.
That was two and a half months ago now. They're now going out and have been since for the last two months or so (officially at least, albeit I'm not sure what they were up to prior to that). And I have to live with seeing them every single day. I didn't know what I had and didn't know what I wanted until it was much too late. And I've never been the same since.
It's hard to put that sort of history into words, simple letters on a page to describe the deepest of emotions.

The above doesn't truly represent the situation, and it's hard to describe why a 19 year old would care so much about something and seem so unable to move on, did fate draw the wrong cards and leave me to make even worse decisions? Probably, and I've tried to represent things accurately, because to be frank I acknowledge that I didn't do things well, heck, I did some things that were down right horrid, yet in my defence I never saw the grander picture and I didn't know what I was doing.... hindsight is a wonderful thing. As I've been told several times by different people: "You make a terrible boyfriend, but you'd be a bloody good husband".

So what do I seek on these forums? I really don't know. I just wanted to throw my tale out to the world and see what people have to say. I know I'm not alone in these feelings, and that grants me solace in darker moments, however I'm always open to fresh ideas. Did he escape the proverbial 'friendzone', helping her when she didn't know what to do with me, the 'boyfriend', to actually becoming her new partner? He stabbed me in the back, no doubt, and had her poised to push the knife in that tiny bit further. I'm not here to write a tragedy, and don't want to be treated as a victim or a tyrant, it's just nice to put thought to paper, because sometimes you make decisions you regret, and sometimes, you just have to stay the course.

Thank you all,

~

[DeanW]

I have no advice for you, i am in a similar situation, the only problem is that i gave what i had to her, she still left me.

I dont know what to say, i with you. I can get beaten up pretty bad, but this emotional pain is so stressful.

[CursumPerficio]

I have no advice for you, i am in a similar situation, the only problem is that i gave what i had to her, she still left me.

I dont know what to say, i with you. I can get beaten up pretty bad, but this emotional pain is so stressful.

It's good to know we're not alone in the world. And that's probably one of the few things that helps me to get through it all. I just didn't realise it would still impact me after so long....

What's your story mate?

[DeanW]

It's good to know we're not alone in the world. And that's probably one of the few things that helps me to get through it all. I just didn't realise it would still impact me after so long....

What's your story mate?

Well, she ended up a long time relationship, months after that she started to show interest in me, we started to date, things were good, she was happy, i was happy, but then, after a few weeks things started to go cold. In the first weeks we slept together all the time, long conversations, we didnt sleep at all, was good, but after that she would just come to see me like a few minutes, if i went to her place she would kick me out after a few hours, stuff that she said also hurted me like when i asked her why she didnt want to stay long nights with me anymore she said "pretty things dont last forever" stuff like that. She has some issues, i get it, but i was there for her, i wanted to be there for her, but she left instead. I was the rebound guy. I feel used, i feel like trash.

Anyways man, Im here for you.

[IslandScorp]

I know that what I'm about to say might not be comforting to a person who feels that their heart is breaking but I'm going to say it anyway. Very seldom does a relationship with a first love last and, even if it does progress to a permanent type of relationship like marriage, it often ends in divorce. Why? Because people change and situations change and priorities change. Many times, those who lock themselves into a relationship when they are young end up feeling as though they missed something because they didn't have more relationships or life experiences or they feel that they've grown apart from the other person. The important thing is to learn from those relationships that don't last and not turn bitter or withdraw emotionally from future relationships. Your girl, while she might have loved you because you were her "first", did not have the kind of love for you that would have stood the test of time - not if she was easily swayed by another. When you really love someone, you wouldn't let another person poison that love. And, if that's the case, it's better for you to find that out now so that you can continue on your journey to find "the one". In the meantime, enjoy that journey. Along the way you'll meet those who are really friends and those who will betray and hurt you - treasure the friends and learn from the others. It's what makes us "streetwise" and that's not a bad thing.

[CursumPerficio]

Well, she ended up a long time relationship, months after that she started to show interest in me, we started to date, things were good, she was happy, i was happy, but then, after a few weeks things started to go cold. In the first weeks we slept together all the time, long conversations, we didnt sleep at all, was good, but after that she would just come to see me like a few minutes, if i went to her place she would kick me out after a few hours, stuff that she said also hurted me like when i asked her why she didnt want to stay long nights with me anymore she said "pretty things dont last forever" stuff like that. She has some issues, i get it, but i was there for her, i wanted to be there for her, but she left instead. I was the rebound guy. I feel used, i feel like trash.

Anyways man, Im here for you.

Girls suck sometimes don't they mate?

You give them your heart, and they may not quite know that you've done so, and then they stab you in the back. A rebound to take the sting out of her long term relationship no doubt :/ Life goes on, as I've noticed, and all I can really do is learn to live and let live.

The best revenge is to live well, and that's what I've had to do. At least I get to smile a little when I top courses at the Academy and her new partner is close to being discharged for his constant failures.

[CursumPerficio]

I know that what I'm about to say might not be comforting to a person who feels that their heart is breaking but I'm going to say it anyway. Very seldom does a relationship with a first love last and, even if it does progress to a permanent type of relationship like marriage, it often ends in divorce. Why? Because people change and situations change and priorities change. Many times, those who lock themselves into a relationship when they are young end up feeling as though they missed something because they didn't have more relationships or life experiences or they feel that they've grown apart from the other person. The important thing is to learn from those relationships that don't last and not turn bitter or withdraw emotionally from future relationships. Your girl, while she might have loved you because you were her "first", did not have the kind of love for you that would have stood the test of time - not if she was easily swayed by another. When you really love someone, you wouldn't let another person poison that love. And, if that's the case, it's better for you to find that out now so that you can continue on your journey to find "the one". In the meantime, enjoy that journey. Along the way you'll meet those who are really friends and those who will betray and hurt you - treasure the friends and learn from the others. It's what makes us "streetwise" and that's not a bad thing.

That's one of the few things that pulls me through sometimes. The knowledge that it's better she do this to me now, than twenty years down the track. And although we shared some brilliant moments, I didn't commit until it was too late. At the end of the day I received exactly what I deserved, and it's been little more than a learning experience for me.

It is nice to talk to people about it, and it's rather unfortunate that it's hit me as hard as it has. I suppose I'm feeling quite rational at the moment, so we'll see how long that lasts eh?

Anyway, it was a pleasure to read that, because it reinforces one of my strongest mental arguments against allowing myself to feel for her.