Dating Advice

[d_j]

So in the past two years or so, I've probably had about a dozen dates, all with different women. Probably half have been people that I met somewhere, either through work or who were friends of friends. The other half have been from dating websites. The dating websites have been very frustrating as very few women reply to messages, and you must message several women daily to get any e-mails back. Usually I keep first dates simple, such as coffee, dinner (if I know them a little) or something fun like an outdoor sporting event. I learned long ago not to waste money trying to impress women on first dates who you will never see again!

Out of all 12 or so of these dates, not a single one has gone beyond a first date, which has been very discouraging for me. I will admit that out of all these dates, there are 3 of them where I did not want a second date. One had good chemistry, but I wasn't physically attracted to her, the second girl I had no attraction or chemistry with and the third was really attractive but very rude and selfish (she has since gone on to find a boy-toy for herself). Otherwise, all other other women I met I would have gone out with again, except for whatever reason, they were not attracted to me or interested in pursuing things further.

I am 25 years old male, short (5'6"), average to above average looking with a fit/athletic build (155-160 lbs). I take care of myself, dress neatly and am very easygoing. I have a great career, I own my own place and a car. I don't drink and don't do drugs. Other than being shorter that what women prefer and a little shy at times, I consider myself to be a decent catch.

Typically I take a low-key approach to first dates. I try to concentrate on just getting to know the person and having a good time. I have never kissed a girl on a first date, as I usually think that it should mean something when it happens, and I usually just don't feel that connected after one date. Maybe this is what I am doing wrong?

I am of the mindset that if you have a good time and enjoy the persons company, that you should try and see them again, whether or not you really felt some chemistry (unless there is some major issue that makes you know for certain that there will be no relationship). I think most women that I met so far do not share this philosophy, and as a result are likely missing opportunities for relationships.

Is this just bad luck in the dating world on my part, or am I doing something that is sabotaging my first dates? I really want to meet someone, but I am getting tired of always finding someone I'm interested in and then not having her reciprocate the same feelings.

I'm just curious to see if this is a common experience for people and would appreciate any feedback or suggestions in what I can do to improve this situation.

[Disillusioned]

Really, I should be asking you for dating advice but here-goes.

You seem subtly-complex and cautious in your judgements but had to wright some ideas of what you thought it might be so I assume you already have an open mind, please take me with a grain of salt because I tend to be cynical. Drop your concerns about the looks, the categories are: GQ handsome, 4ckable and butt ugly. You're probably 4ckable. That's all you get, now you work with that. You claim to be athletic, that's covered. You probably shower once a day and brush your hair, or if you don't have much hair you get it cut neatly and don't try to hide it with a combover. Looks only matter so much though. I'm guessing by the way you wright you enjoy intellectual and sophisticated discussion. Nothing wrong with that but there has to be a critical mass, some common ground where you share enough interests for the spark to get lit. Are you perceptive to body language, rather, do you trust your perceptions thereof? There are signals for chemistry to get stirred a little where you may have to take initiative. It's a bit of a risk but I think that's part of what maks it mean something. I doubt you'll get along with girls interested in partying a lot unless you manage to adopt an attitude that works for it.

I think you may be a particular guy who needs a particular girl. It's not about being merely acceptable, it about her knowing what makes you great and appreciating it and it doesn't come without cultivation and reciprocation in kind. The missing link is learning to appreciate those things because most of us really are exceptional people and have enough good in us to warrent being fed and treated with kindness (along with our faults, of course)but we have to notice those things in order to appreciate them. Between limits of comprimise, the number of fish in the sea and all the knowledge you can learn to help you, don't settle. This means you may have to hang in for a while but keep trying, it's good practice. Make sure you don't practice bad habits though. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be able to help you with those.

[d_j]

^^^
Thanks. Appreciate the feedback, most of which I agree with. I'm not giving up or anything, but it is just frustrating. It feels sometimes like everyone else around you somehow just magically falls in a relationship, while you seem to struggle with finding someone compatible.