Where did I go wrong? What can I do now?

[Marcus92]

I tend to be verbose when I describe my situation, so I'll try not to write too much.

I met a girl (Let's call her Susan) more than a month ago on a blind date set up by some mutual friends. Susan and I hit things off well, and we ended up having a lot in common. Later that day, we met up at a party and both got a little drunk. One thing led to another and we ended up having a more intimate encounter.

I was determined to not just let this be a one night stand. The very next week, I took Susan to a fancy restaurant, and we got to know each other even more. We continued seeing each other fairly often. We would meet up, go somewhere like the park or the mall, hold hands, kiss, and part ways. I met her friends, and she met mine, and our lives were no longer parallel. I thought everything was going perfectly.

About a month into our dating, Susan tells me that she needs to talk. She tells me that she "likes me as a friend," but she just doesn't feel attracted to me. I asked Susan about that first night we met, and she said that initially she "really liked me a lot, but it just changed." Then I asked her what I did wrong, and she gave me a cryptic response. Susan told me that I did nothing wrong. She said I'm such a nice and amazing person. She said I'm too perfect for her. Susan said she still wants to be friends. I guess you all can imagine how I felt. I didn't want to just be friends with her. I wanted to be in a relationship with her.

About a week passed by, and Susan messaged me on Facebook. She said she was wondering how I'm doing and that she meant it when she said we should still be friends. I said I felt the same way, but I'm still very much hurt. I've hooked up with girls before, but I've never really had someone tell me that I matter to them or that they think I'm special. Susan was the closest thing I ever had to a real girlfriend. I got to know pretty much everything about her. I know her favorite color, her hobbies, what kind of music she likes, and all of that stuff. And Susan is a special person. We have a lot in common, and I think she's really pretty too. Susan has beautiful red hair, and it only makes things worse because redheads are so rare. So now that she tells me she only sees me as a friend, what does that say about me? Now I have nobody to hold, nobody to talk to, and I've been hiding how miserable I am since that day.

I'm faced with two options. I can keep my distance and simply try to continue flirting with her as time goes on. I can try to get out of this friend zone by staying out of her life until I change myself. I'll get a new haircut, start going to the gym more, and change the way she perceives me. My other option is to become her friend. And we'll talk and we'll hang out, but I'll always feel that pit of sadness knowing she will never see me as anything more than a friend. And I already dread that day when I'll see some guy with his arm around her, and she'll be telling me about how great her new boyfriend is. I miss Susan and I still want her in my life, but at the same time it hurts me so much to think about her. Every time I see her pass by, I feel such a strong sinking feeling in my chest. I don't know what to do.

[oneandonly]

Some people want to stay in their love interest's life even if it's not reciprocated, clinging onto a false hope that they will eventually become more than a friend.

Some people will just cut all ties and remove themselves from the agony this frequent encounter will bring to their heart.

So, it is entirely up to you and you should know yourself more than anyone so do what's best for you and ONLY YOU.

What I'd say though is that you were still at the very early stage of dating, getting to know each other. For whatever reason, she decided to be just friends. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or you did anything wrong or you should change. She just didn't feel it as it progressed. There is nothing wrong with you. I know it's hard but don't try to take it personally. She wasn't obviously that perfect for you as she didn't feel the same about you.

There will be someone else out there so chin up and move forward

[HeartIsAching]

Unfortunately, I think you're hosed. It's damned rare to get out of the friend zone. If she has said that, and you DON'T want to be just her friend, I'd cut ties. It's like taking off a band-aid, one quick sharp pain or a long drawn-out dull pain... you pick.

[devonbrown]

There is another option that you haven't considered, and it is what HeartIsAching mentioned. You can tell her that you don't want to be just friends and if that is the way she wants things to be then you will have to cut ties with her.

Also, don't change yourself for her or anyone. If she isn't into you, then you look for someone else. Maybe she met someone else. Maybe she has an ex that she isn't over. Maybe she hooked up with you because of the alcohol. Maybe a lot of things. And a lot of those things have absolutely NOTHING to do with you. So changing yourself to try to be more desirable to HER could wind up being a lost cause anyway.

Be true to who you are and don't worry so much about what she thinks. I am sure you have heard the cliche before, but there are a ton of other fish out there.

Good luck.

[Keating1000]

She said that you were too perfect for her, so changing yourself physically with a new haircut and hitting the gym more won't do anything. I think you're blaming yourself too much. You need to remember she was the one who broke up with you. You gave her your all and what did you get in return? Heartbrake and a cryptic reason for that heartbrake.

In my opinion, you sound like a lovely guy, I don't think Susan deserves your friendship. You will always be in that friendzone and one day she will meet someone else. I know this is hardhitting and you're hurting, but you really need to jump ship with this and stop talking to her.

Hope this helps, keep us updated

[Marcus92]

Well, I've made a decision. I'm going to stay friends with her, because I think it's the right thing to do. I'm not going to cut off ties with her just because she rejected me. Life is unpredictable, and every person in this world is unique. I don't think it's good to cut ties with people, even if they did hurt your feelings.

I know I should be focusing on school more anyway, and I'm just a freshman. Not a lot of people are looking for relationships right now. I need to just get back on my feet, meet some more people, and move forward. Hopefully I'll find another redhead.

[E.T.]

[QUOTE=Marcus92;778078 I don't think it's good to cut ties with people, even if they did hurt your feelings.[/QUOTE]

Then the whole thing will continue on hurting you even more untill you finally decide to cut ties.

[love guru]

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[Sweet Lemon]

Marcus,

I've been guilty of initial interest and then the big fade out. It's not that you're not a great guy with a lot to offer because you sound awesome

Sometimes when some girls are young and getting to know about the kind of power they can weild over a man they end up with the attention span of a fruit fly. With a few extra years under her belt, and a few more failed relationships she might end up looking back on that awesome guy she taxied down the runway with and regret not achieving lift off but believe me if that ever happens it will more than likely be 10 years down the track and will only be a brief flash of regret and you sound like you are worth way more than that.

I agree with everyone else in this thread you need to cut the ties with her. It's not like she is your best buddy and the loss of her is going to impact your life too greatly. Some girl is going to find out what a great guy you are and you wont need to change your hairstyle or sprout a six pick to get her attention. Good luck with the healing process!

~Lemon

[bulrush]

^^^ Good advice above.

It's possible the fancy restaurant as a first date was too much too soon. It's also possible there just was no chemistry. It happens. There's nothing wrong with you. Just try again.