I could use some advice on something I'm going through at the moment, I'm going to try and be as detailed as I can without dragging on too much because there is a lot to tell for this. So sorry for what will probably be a long read no matter what. =(
I dated this girl for about 8 months 3 years ago. We were really close and I guess I'd say we were "in love". I was 23 and she was 18. We ended up breaking up after growing apart I guess. Shortly after, she began dating some trashbag guy she worked w/ at the time. I know that's a cliche thing to say, but it's true. He drives a rickity sketchy van, does every drug imaginable, backyard wrestles, pushes carts at a Sam's club, dresses like he's homeless, looks like the Grinch w/ Aids, I mean it's the biggest case of downgrading in history, how it lasted this long is a complete mystery.
All the while she has been broke up w/ me, she remained in contact and 'friends' w/ my best friend & his wife whom she met through me, and are closer to me than my actual family, but she would be in no contact w/ me. When we dated the 4 of us hung out a lot so it was like our couples thing. Also, she latched on to basically everything she picked up from me and held on to it. Favorite sports teams, playing softball, movies, music, I mean nearly every aspect of my life, she took w/ her, and added her new b/f trashy stuff on top of it.
Anyway, over this 3 years, there have been some episodes, starting after the first year, where every 6 months, she'd come around. We'd hang out and be cool, and then feelings would start to bubble up, then we'd fight, and we'd not talk for another 6 months or so. During one of these on periods we actually had sex. Last winter, we were REALLY close as in talked everyday and spent a lot of time together, we never got physical, but the flirting was off the charts, she'd wrestle & play fight w/ me, change clothes and get half naked in front of me, send me pictures (nothing racey) all the time of her, etc...then one day, she just dissapeared, quit talking to me, blocked me on twitter/facebook. Went on w/ her relationship w/ that scumbag.
This lack of contact lasted until this past October. We have this festival every year downtown that EVERYONE in the area goes to. It's over the weekend. Friday night I see a buddy of mine who was hanging w/ her earlier and said she told him she didn't want to see me because "I'm a jerk and an asshole and she hates me." to which he basically called her bluff and said I'm none of those things & has no reason to think that. The next night downtown, I'm w/ some friends and we see each other, she has an awkward look like she was scared a bit but I said hello and struck up conversation, I told her we were going to end up at the beer tent & she said to text her & let her know.
As we are walking into the tent she's walking out saying she's going to the bar up the street & will text me soon. Some time passes and I get a text that says 'I miss you'. I don't think much of it given our history as she says 'I think I just got dumped, I'm on my way up there.' She gets there and proceeds to drag me to the dance floor and dance all over me and rub all over me all night. Eventually, I walk her to her car, while she complains about how much of a bum her b/f is. We sit and talk at her car, she shows me pics of her on her phone that are of her half naked and even some where she was naked. I hug her goodnight and as I pull away she kisses me.
We stay in contact over the next couple of weeks. Talk about hanging out but don't really get a chance because of work schedules. She is back to sending some pictures, being kind of flirty w/ how she talks, stalking my twitter account even though she doesn't follow me, making mention of even possibly being together in a round a bout way, etc...We do one day end up taking batting practice (we both play softball in leagues) one day and have a great time. I had hand surgery on 11/4 and she told me to make sure to keep her updated and she was probably gonna come see me afterwards. Day of my surgery as I get home, she's driving down my street, which is out of her way from work or her house, I think she's stopping by but she claimed she was passing through to pay bills (completely bs.)
Long story short, we keep talking, I keep trying to get together to hang out & she keeps coming up w/ excuses not to. Eventually, my best friends wife, who my ex acts like is one of her best friends gets worried I'm going to be hurt. I talk to her about this ex a lot as she knows her better than any of my other friends. She messages my ex & starts talking and asks her if she thinks we could end up together again. My ex says she just wants to be friends w/ me and I keep getting the wrong ideas and won't get over it etc....while she's the one giving the signals, I've done nothing but react to her. She is telling my friend this not knowing my friend is telling me everything she's saying, she's telling my friend she hasn't done anything to lead me on, blatently lying about certain things. The way it comes off is that she has feelings, but is purposfully avoiding anything that could spark them or lead her to dating me again. Like getting in her own way. My last contact w/ her was kind of set up as a way for me to clean my slate of contact so to speak so I can go on a period of time where I don't contact her & see what happens.
My problem is that I am head over heels for this girl. I thought I could be just friends, I can't. She is my perfect girl. I've dated other girls and had strong feelings for them too, but nothing like this. She does something to me that nothing else in my life does. Not any friend, family member, hobby, nothing. Nothing sets my heart and mind at ease like she does. Nothing makes me feel so comfortable and as happy as being w/ her does. We share all the same hobbies, and we are even very similar in personality. We are both strong individuals but love our friends a lot, but aren't afraid to stand alone. Through tough times, I always felt like me and her were always partners and always had each others back in any situation, she's the only person I have like that in my life.
I don't want anything else in my life at all, I'd give up everything to have her back and it's killing me. I've lived my entire live on never giving up, fighting for what you believe in, chasing your dreams, which is making this so hard for me. Conventional wisdom says let her go, I know, but I just can't, she means too much and I want her too badly. I know in my heart that she is the one for me and no one will compare to her because I've tried. I know that if we get together now, it would be perfect for both of us. We dated at the wrong time in our lives, I'm a different person now.
Do I chase her no matter what? Idk what to do right now. Is there anything I can do at all?