Can't fall in love

[dangelo]

I wonder can anyone offer advice..

I'm finding it hard to be happy with any girl I go out with. I'm 27, and since I was 18 have had 5 long term relationships (1 to 5 years). I don't think I was ever in love with any of the girls, I mean I loved them, and cared about them, but I don't think I was 'in love' like people talk and write about.

I think the reason for this is because of a girl who I occasionally work with and have been friends with since I was 22. I think I'm in love with her.

I've told her this and she has said she feels the same. She has done and said things about us being together and we've kissed and gone out briefly, but it ended. She said she couldnt be with someone because she'd just broke up with her boyfriend, and I said if I couldn't be with her I couldn't be her friend, so we didn't talk for months.

Since then we got talking again, She said that she wants to marry me one day, but her actions never match up to what she says.

I want to be happy and fall in love with someone, and if I can't be with her I want to be happy with someone else. I've tried everything to not love her anymore, like not talking to her for months at a time, but I still can't seem to forget about her, be happy or have these feelings for anyone else. Even after months of not talking I find myself checking new sms messages hoping its her, as I won't allow myself to call/text her.

How do I get over her, and move on? Its ruining every other relationship I try to have. It only makes it harder that when I talk to her, she says things to give me more hope of us being together.

sorry for the long post..

[Glyph]

I know exactly how you feel because I'm in a bit of the same jam. I'm 24, and I think I may have been in love just once in my life prior to this point. I've been married before - and my ex wasn't the one instance of having been "in love" that I mentioned. So it was kind of doomed from the word go.

Sometimes it may just take longer in life for some people than for others. Or, other people have different standards and they don't find it hard to fall in love with certain people who are available. For me, I've only found ALL those qualities I need in ONE person - my best friend of 10 years, who already has a girlfriend, and who has dated people WAY out of my league in the past.

What I'm doing for now is trying to enjoy my life. I'm eating a lot better and attempting to lose weight (as I feel it's one of the things that has probably held me back from the man I'm in love with), but for more reasons than just him. It's so I can be healthy, happy, around for my son when he needs me rather than battling any health issues from my weight, and things of that sort. And I think that's the best remedy, at least for now: live for yourself. I live for me and my child. I focus on my job, on my progress in my weight, on my abilities as a parent. Perhaps one day, when I straighten out all the things I want in my life that are crucial to me, I could possibly look up and find my best friend standing there, maybe wanting more.

And if not, I'll still have the experience under my belt and by then, I may meet someone else who captivates me in the same way. I don't think you're an anomaly; in fact, I think you're doing it the way it needs to be done. You're not settling. You're not serial dating in hopes that things will just "work out" with someone who is truly not right for you. That's what leads to more stress and hardships than are necessary in life. People who have been through multiple divorces, who have to CONSTANTLY be in a relationship to feel validated . . . I feel sorry for them. They never take the time to figure out what they really want.

Think of this girl you're in love with. Ask yourself what it is you love so much about her. Make a list if you have to. Then commit to mind exactly what it is you see in her that makes you feel as though you're in love. If things between yourself and your friend aren't possible, seek out those qualities in another person. And don't stop until you find them.

Best of luck to you.

[The Great OV!!!]

I don't get it, why do you want to forget her? why not just love her? Why don't you be more agressive and pushy a bit with her? Maybe she is waiting for you, obviously she wants something since she says she wants to marry you lol.

[dangelo]

Glyph you seem so in control and sound like you're on top of things to a certain extent. You're right not to settle for someone who isn't what you're looking for, although it sounds like you still have a big thing for your ex. I think that sometimes your own impressions of what an ideal mate is can stop you from being happy, I have friends who have got married and settled down, and I really envy them for having found someone who they want to be with who wants to be with them too. 'Standards' can be a curse.

Makes me think about how I broke up with all of my girlfriends. My friends thought I was mad for breaking up with each of them, because I don't tell them that my reason was always because I never felt for these girls what I feel for my friend.

I feel like this is destroying me, and I don't want to go through breaking up with another girl, so can't see how I'm going to meet someone else to love.

Maybe the Great OV is right. Maybe I'll never fall in love again. Maybe I should focus all my efforts into 'convincing' my friend that she should be with me, but in my heart, I feel that she doesn't want to be cos her actions sometimes speak the opposite to her words.

She was angry when I said I thought she was stringing me along, she said 'what do you think I am, a complete bitch?!" I still sometimes think that maybe she feels about me the same way as I feel about my ex girlfriends. I wonder too if maybe she is keeping me hanging on in case she doesn't find anyone better?

Anyone else think we'd be better of as a species if we were asexual, and could reproduce by dividing? Cos I'm fed up lookin for a mate.

[Gribble]

Stop looking for a mate. Look for a friend and a sexual partner. You don't have to play that bullshit game if you don't want to.

[Gigabitch]

I'm with OV. You're in love with her. You want to walk away, even after seeing how difficult it is to find it with others? Are you nuts?