Sacrifice vs. giving up

[littlewing]

Hello everyone, I would really appreciate your advice as I have no idea what to do.

I have been seeing my girlfriend for about 2 and a half months, we really hit it off. Now I feel very strange about our relationship sometimes I am really enjoying it and sometimes I simply don't understand why we are together. There are things that bother me:

She is somewhat negative, 99% of the time we talk something bad happened to her and she makes it sound like there is no way out of it. Sometimes I wonder if she is an emotional vampire of sorts.

Another thing that bothers me is that she is constantly casting blame on others, sometimes its people in her life and sometimes it even becomes of a racial nature (which bugs the hell out of me).

Finally what bugs me is the fact that she has a massive pride and feminism. This shows in our sex life a lot where I don't have the freedom I like. She gets very pissed if somebody mentions something about women and constantly tells everyone that men are pigs by nature (I am different according to her)

But she told me that its all related to her difficult past that have caused her some instability in her nerves, this is simply her expressing her anger. She does indeed have had a difficult past and I don't believe that I have a right to judge her, furthermore I once told her that I will work with her on her problems. She really likes me and treats me well, she is very nice to me (even nicer than I feel she should be).

Yesterday we had a talk because I wanted to take a break and she blamed me for not having a patience to make relationships work, that I am not willing to sacrifice. She said that she is working on herself and her life has indeed became much better than before. I really like that girl, I would prefer to make it work any advice anyone???

[Anna25]

No one can tell you what to do, its up to you to decide if its worth trying. What is important to notice is if her words are followed by actions. For example, in the first 6 months of my relationship with my boyfriend, I had an issue with how argumentative he was. I told him I couldn't go on feeling like I was in a boxing match. He didn't promise to change but promised to work on it and try. Surprisingly, he became a much easier person to be with. It took some time before he really dropped it but I saw changes pretty quickly. He made the conscious effort not to jump to the defense or attack and I made the attempt to point out to him when he was doing that.

If her words are followed by actions and you like her and think its worth a shot, by all means do so. However, don't work on the relationship because she guilts you into it. Either you want to be in it and try, or you don't. Especially at 2 1/2 months. That's pretty early to have these kinds of issues. For me, she'd be too much but my relationship (not including my most recent issue) would be too much for many other people. Each person and what suits them.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

You can't change her, you get what you get. Just because you have her as a GF is no reason to keep her. You are only into it for 2 months and already you see problems. Time to cut your losses and get out of this relationship before you get real disappointed.

[littlewing]

Great responses!! Thank you for the insight... I understand that its been only 2 months but she seems to be willing to work on those things. Maybe having issues early is the same as having issues later?? Maybe it doesn't matter when as long as they have been worked out???

[celestina]

These are issues to be worked on in the long term. If you're hoping that she becomes miraculously nice and positive overnight, nope, that's not gonna happen. Her negative attitude is and will always be how you see it now. She might improve a liiiiiittle, over time, if she really understands what it is that needs to be changed (I would start with the racist tendencies), but I honestly think you should spare yourself the long term bother.

Yesterday we had a talk because I wanted to take a break and she blamed me for not having a patience to make relationships work, that I am not willing to sacrifice.

Blame you? You've done nothing but to be nice and understanding to her. If you don't have the patience, well, you're perfectly entitled to. You shouldn't feel forced to stay in a relationship where so many things bother you in a person, and this only after 2-3 months?!! no matter how nice they are to you.

She said that she is working on herself and her life has indeed became much better than before.

So what if she's better than before? It's still not what YOU want out of a relationship. I think you need to be in a healthy, positive relationship with a nice positive person. Unless you don't mind being dragged down in a pool of racism, drastic feminism and constant whining. Up to you.

[celestina]

If you have the time and energy to play hero and save her out of her misery, cheers to you. Just make sure it is worth the trouble, and mostly, that you are happy doing it.