Confused friends with benefits

[Sarahlou]

I have a very confusing situation with my friend. We have had a friends with benefits arrangement for almost 14 months since things got bad with his girlfriend and things have been fine until he changed.
Even as friends he's never been overly affectionate or protective But recently he has become more cuddly when we are together even at work(I'm his pa)and even more so during sex
we used to be warm bam thank you man kind of lovers now he does things to slow things down he has changed the positions he wants to use so we end up face to face and watches me or kisses me constantly. Long slow eyes closed wrap me in his arms kind of kisses even when we are doing the kinkier things we enjoy he makes sure we end up like that. We are still experimental and it's not all soppy but even when we start hot and heavy he turns it round so it ends up that way.
Even afterwards he's cuddly and likes kissing my nose,forhead or the top of my head a lot and cuddling from behind me nuzzling his chin into me but then he will barely speak to me for the next couple of days and just says "sorry I've just been really busy"

He has always stuck to text or email even for work and I'd be lucky to get a call a week unless we had a problem at work now is 2-3 times a day sometimes more and it's for things he's already text about, things that aren't important or says "I thought you might like a chat" then he will find silly things to talk about that he has to text after or really aren't necessary and try to prolong the conversation most times

I write erotic senarios for him to cheer him up at work and the ones involving us he likes has changed from pure animal sex in as many ways and places as I can think up to more loving and sensual ideas with a little kink.

He never liked me showing him affection in public even to not cuddling him at his grandads funeral incase his girlfriend twigged now he will cuddle me in public in a friendly way and hold my hand as often as he is able and when I say about his gf finding out he says he's not worried about that anymore. I know me and her have more contact since I started working for him in January but he didn't like me going into the pub they ran together when they were there together even after she knew I was working for him.

He's more interested in what I'm doing and who im with. He has started noticing my moods from the way I text and not even my friend of over 20 years has ever been able to do that as the changes are so subtle especially when it's work related but he knows

He has had chats with one of my other friends and told her via text that he cares about me a lot and that I'm important to him this was around the time he started to change but he's never said it to me. I have asked him outright but all I get it "don't you like me kissing you" or "don't be soppy" if I say to him I like it just want to know why he's doing it he clams up and changes subject or ignores the question

As you can see I'm getting mixed messages from him and no direct answers so I'm hoping a 3rd party can shed some light on what's going on in his head and how to get him to open up about it as the situation is making mine spin a bit. I'd like to know what's behind it as if he does have feelings for me it's something we need to discuss so we can sort out a way forward

[Wakeup]

Are you saying he's still with his gf and hes fvcking you?

Are you fishing for opinions that say he has more feelings for you then a fvck buddy?

Why haven't you just told him that you find his affection confusing and you'd like to know if he has deeper feelings for you?

What do you want out of this?

[Sarahlou]

No him and his gf have not slept together in nearly 2 years and this information has come from both parties.
I'm not fishing for anything I just want a male opinion on why he's suddeny changed a lot of his behaviour but when I pull him up about it he gets defensive or clams up and goes back to his old ways for a few days then goes back again. I want some advice on why he would do this and how I can get him to open up.
I'd rather he didn't have feeling for me as it would make things very complicated so if this is what's happening I need to deal with it before it goes too far

[Wakeup]

No him and his gf have not slept together in nearly 2 years and this information has come from both parties.

This ^^^ does not mean that he's broken up with her. That does not mean he doesn't love her either.

You should just break off your affair altogether and stop wondering why he's doing what he's doing or isn't doing because the bottom line is you're enabling a cheater to cheat and you're the other woman. This is the truth and you've got zero to none self-respect to be carrying on with this twit and enabling him to cheat while never leaving his gf.

That's the truth, unless of course the gf knows about you and has agreed that lover-boy can screw women with no self-respect. Has she given him that permission? If she has then it's not your business to wonder if he's caught feelings for you because it doesn't matter. He's not leaving the one he's committed to so YOU do what YOU want and if YOU'RE getting feelings for him then you REALLY should just stop this ****fest here and now so that you can give yourself wholly to someone else or just fvck someone who isn't committed to someone else.

You direct this the way YOU want it to go if he has the permission to fk you. YOU stop the bonding rituals if you're afraid of him getting too emotionally attached to you.

Personally, I'm thinking it's you that has caught feelings and you're hoping to hear that he has too. If that is the case, then the very fact he's not leaving her is your answer that no.. he's not loving on you enough to leave her.

Do you want to be more to him then a **** buddy he pays to help him during business hours?

[Sarahlou]

I was looking for advice not abuse I know the situation is not ideal but that wasn't why I came here.
All I wanted was advice on his behaviour as when I talk to him I don't get straight answers and I get lots of mixed signals and if he has I will have to look for a new job and limit contact with him because despite what you think I want no commitment from him or anyone else I donot have feelings for him and if he has I want to stop this before he gets anymore invested and ends up hurt

I don't know about if she knows or gave him permission I know they used to be swingers but he didn't want her finding out about us now he doesn't care and they have called off their engagement so I have no idea

[Wakeup]

Telling you how your situation looks to someone outside looking in is not abuse. I am someone with good personal boundaries and confidence enough to ask and if an answer is not forthcoming then I assume and I go on what I want and I don't worry about someone who refuses to divulge what's going on in his mind.

You do what YOU want and quit worrying about what he's thinking and feeling. If you can't do that, then end it because you clearly think he's falling in love with you.

What IS abuse is what you two are at. You're abusing your brain trying to figure out if he has feelings for you and if he does you'll stop this nonsense. As I said You clearly feel he does have feelings for you so why don't you just go ahead and stop the merry-go-round? What is YOUR ulterior motive?

If you want to continue and he's not admitting to feelings then continue. Its on him to speak up if he does. If you want more, then stop this or tell him you have feelings and let the chips fall where they may.

Right now, he's not admitting to ANYTHING other then to still want to fvck you... so fvck away (if that's what YOU want) and stop sweating about what's going on with him.

[surfhb]

You want a guys opinion?

He likes to bang you. That's it.

How old are you? You're a grown woman......Don't you know guys will say or do anything to get laid ? I mean c'mon you must know this right ? This is fvck buddy 101 stuff Hun

[purple_roses]

He likes the nasty emails u send and putting his dick in you.
Congrats.

[belltops]

The guy must enjoy eating his cake and having it. Damn!! banging his secretary and a girlfriend to booth.....