Straight guy falling for guy best friend

[Unknownuser13]

Hey,
The strangest thing is happening to me right now and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in a dream I can't wake up from.

Right before I left for Christmas vacation I started to feel attracted to my best friend / roommate (also a guy). I didn't understand it, and still don't. I'm in my early twenties and I've only ever thought of and liked girls.

I went on vacation and I started to do that thing that only those who have feelings for someone do, I couldn't get him out of my mind. Constantly thinking about him.

He just recently entered a relationship with a girl, but this isn't the first time I've seen him date. It can't be jealousy because I'm strangely happy for him, but it's killing me to watch this at the same time.

I've been having mild panic attacks and not sleeping this past week because this whole situation is freaking me out. Everything was so different just a couple weeks ago. But now I don't really see girls in the same light, but at the same time, I'm not eyeballing other guys either. Just him.

I have no idea where this infatuation came from. He's my best friend and roommate, and even though he's done and said some questionable things regarding his sexuality he's more than likely straight.

We are extremely close friends, I've never connected with another person (even on a friendship level) like this. I have nothing but the best times when I'm with him.

I don't know what to do. If it seems like I'm leaving something out, please tell me and I'll fill you in. I just need help with this. Where do I go from here?

Thanks-

[Narny8]

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear of this problem you're having. It must be hard not knowing what you want or how you feel.

How long have you been friends with this guy for? Is it possible that you're just mistaking your love for him as maybe a brother type figure for something more?

I know from past experiences that sometimes it is very easy to mistake close friendships for something more. I've done it with both gender friends in the past. Just give it time and see how you feel. It seems unlikely that if you aren't finding yourself attracted to any other male, that you could have feelings for your friend. But anything is possible. Keep me updated.

Good luck!

[Unknownuser13]

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear of this problem you're having. It must be hard not knowing what you want or how you feel.

How long have you been friends with this guy for? Is it possible that you're just mistaking your love for him as maybe a brother type figure for something more?

I know from past experiences that sometimes it is very easy to mistake close friendships for something more. I've done it with both gender friends in the past. Just give it time and see how you feel. It seems unlikely that if you aren't finding yourself attracted to any other male, that you could have feelings for your friend. But anything is possible. Keep me updated.

Good luck!

Thanks! We've been friends since December of last year. I have another best friend (who is actually gay, funny enough) and I'm real close with him, he's like my brother. Never had another thought about it. This is different.

[Narny8]

Hmmm, well my advice would be to ride it out and see if things change. From what you said, it's only been a few weeks or so that you've been having these feelings. You definitely don't want to lose a friend or freak him out by mentioning anything to him now. Is it possible that you have a very high opinion of him? Maybe you even see him as a role model. Sometimes people are attracted to others that have something in their personality that they themselves want to possess.

[pcmaster]

Well man you might be attached just because you lived so close by. Like being close socialy and at the same time in same room. Talking about things from your heart. I been attracted like that to a girls(fat ones) and its because I was lonely. Shall there be others girls I interacted with those feelings wouldnt exist.

Basicaly every guy have 1/3 female hormones in him and every girl have 1/3 of male hormones. So its normal to feel attraction to same sex and even express it because man who express his vulnerable side is more man that a guy who trying to be 100% and denying emotions just because he have knowledge.

Best I can suggest is hug your friend say you love him. And find yourself a girl who will apreciate your love to its full exctend.

You are very young and probably its your healthy loving heart that makes it so easy to love, but its also infuation and these feelings dont last for long. I been in your situation and kinda regret not expressing that friendly warm love back then. Now we are not even friends anymore but now I realise that life is short and not saying words like "I love you" to your parents, friends, girlfriends is like not living. When these words are true. And you miss the chance to say them. Its like music without the sound.

[smackie9]

I agree with PC. When you spend a lot of time with someone, you start a bond and sometimes, mixed with loneliness, you start to have feelings for them that goes beyond friendship.This is very common with people that work together aswell.
I sense that you might be emotionally vulnerable at this time of the year (it started two weeks ago right?), which happens to a lot of people. Your feelings, or need to share your life with someone that means something to you, has you confused with him.

I think if you spend time away from him and direct your energy into something else (keeping busy) these feelings will eventually dissolve.

[Rowen]

I agree that you should ride it out... Of course, I'm not telling you to wait around on him to break up with her because that would only be hurtful to you. But definitely take this time to see if this feeling passes at all.

I'm a gay guy, so I can imagine how it must feel to be confused about what you want (I went through that when I originally found that I'm gay.). If you need support, you're welcome to message me.

Although, I would like to add in is this attraction just emotional, or is it physical as well? Do you fantasize about him in that way, or do you just feel incredibly comfortable around him? I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable with such a question, but it could define whether or not this is truly genuine or just a void you're subconsciously attempting to fill due to lack of someone being close enough to completely understand you. You see, I've known one or two guys in my life that were deeply deprived of someone understanding their personalities and resorted to trying out guys. But then I've also known some guys who found they wanted to try being with men physically, so all I can really advise you to do is not to do anything you might regret either way until you're absolutely sure of your mindset.

It's tough, but I am sure you will figure out whether or not you're just lonely or actually bisexual. Just hang in there. It gets better!
Hope this helps a little!

[smackie9]

Good point Rowen. There is a BIG difference between emotional attraction to sexual attraction. I'm curious too. The true question is can you see yourself being sexually involved with your friend?

[Unknownuser13]

The true question is can you see yourself being sexually involved with your friend?

Yes I can, I'm strangely into it.

First of all, let me just say thank you to everyone who has been so quick to respond. I really appreciate it!

To add to the whole thing, I'm not just lonely right now because of the holidays. Actually, up until these feelings surfaced I was quite the opposite. I've always been happy, independent and slightly introverted. I'm not anti-social by any means, I have friends that I see every day and I keep busy. But I used to not mind being alone, it was actually kinda nice. I also enjoyed sleeping alone, too.
Once these feelings came up out of the blue everything changed. I guess that's part of the reason why this whole thing is freaking me out. I'm changing rapidly and so suddenly and I'm 23 going on 24, it just seems so unexpected.
I mentioned earlier that I have a friend who is like a brother to me and we've known each other for well over 5 years. Should I talk to him about it or just continue to lay low?
Thanks again guys, I'm really appreciating all the responses!

[smackie9]

Actually that would be a good idea. If you have someone real close to you that could help you through this, I say that would be best for you.

[Rowen]

I agree that it would be good to discuss that with your friend, as long as they are accepting (or unless you mean the gay friend you also mentioned). Though, it sounds to me you're in the stage of having a little curiosity. The thing to remember, though, is that there is nothing wrong with having these thoughts, no matter if you find them fleeting or if you are indeed bisexual, and it does not define your life. You're still the same guy that you always were, and if you are bisexual, anyone who truly cares about you will accept you as you are- not criticize you for how you feel.

In times like this, it is best to have those who know us well as someone to confide in and regardless of the conclusion you reach, I wish you the best of luck. I have no doubt that you'll figure out what is best for you, and please remember that no one can tell you what is best for you. Only you have the power of knowing that and can successfully decide for yourself. Just please be safe in your physical encounters no matter if they are with men or women, as I've seen too many stories on these forums of people who take extreme risk in having unprotected sex with dodgy people. If not for your own benefit, use it for the benefit of your future partners.
It was nice meeting you, OP. Good luck!

[AnErin]

Shoot there ain't nuthin wrong with wanting to explore. If a man is hot or a woman is hot, ain't nuthing wrong with wanting to play around.
I don;t quite get why people are hardcore straight or gay. That is so limiting.
There are things men do better and things women do better. Hell yeah I am Bi.

So with the room mate - if he is pretty open minded then maybe bring it up. So what if he has a G/F? You can do things she can not. You don't have to be all in love, just FWB.

[Rowen]

So with the room mate - if he is pretty open minded then maybe bring it up. So what if he has a G/F? You can do things she can not. You don't have to be all in love, just FWB.

But there are the feelings of two others thrown into the mix when you do that, Erin... I don't think we should encourage the OP to break up a relationship for his own desires, thus hurting the girlfriend in the process and potentially ruining the friendship if his friend does not feel the same way... Not to mention, I don't think we should encourage him to do anything physical either way until he figures out how he feels for sure, emotionally. This is a very confusing time for him, as he's already mentioned... Adding physical contact to that before he has had a chance to process it all and reach his own conclusion (whether it be that he's straight or bisexual) would only confuse him more. And it could potentially hurt him, emotionally, especially if he does something physically he'll later regret.

This situation is big with him, but it is also bigger than him, at the same time.

[Unknownuser13]

But there are the feelings of two others thrown into the mix when you do that, Erin... I don't think we should encourage the OP to break up a relationship for his own desires, thus hurting the girlfriend in the process and potentially ruining the friendship if his friend does not feel the same way... Not to mention, I don't think we should encourage him to do anything physical either way until he figures out how he feels for sure, emotionally. This is a very confusing time for him, as he's already mentioned... Adding physical contact to that before he has had a chance to process it all and reach his own conclusion (whether it be that he's straight or bisexual) would only confuse him more. And it could potentially hurt him, emotionally, especially if he does something physically he'll later regret.

This situation is big with him, but it is also bigger than him, at the same time.

I agree with a lot of this. I'm still just taking it one day at a time. I don't want to have any negative impact on this relationship whatsoever, so we'll just see how it goes for now.
We had a conversation about a month ago, before he got in a relationship, before all this happened; we were talking about one of our friends (who's gay) and also attractive guy, and he basically said if he were gay that'd be the guy he would...*fap* *fap* to for lack of a better phrase. He then asked me if I would, too. Which I said no because I'm not attracted to that dude like that.
So there's definitely been some eyebrow raising moments. Who knows.

[Rowen]

OP, I'm glad that you're being considerate of both of them in that sense.
As far as the conversation, though, it could be construed either way. You obviously know him and we do not, so we really can't say for sure either way how he would react to your telling him. But I will say that in my experience, it could just be playful banter, as I once had a friend who was that comfortable with me being gay and just gay people in general that he'd sometimes make comments just to make the situation awkward and joke around to have a good time. To anyone who didn't really know him well, it most definitely would have been construed that he was looking to hit on other guys, but to us, it was just normal. Though, I also have heard cases where such topics were brought up as a way of hinting, so I will say that every guy, just like every girl, is different. So, I wish I could say for sure, but I don't know.

Have you tried talking to a good friend about it or someone close that you can confide in?
If I were you (and this is just a suggestion), I would only tell the gay friend if you are certain you can talk with him about it and that you won't allow yourself to be put into a place where you are in physical contact at least until you really come to a conclusion you're personally satisfied with. I only say this because, while it is nice to sometimes get a perspective from someone who has already gone through it, you shouldn't choose who you talk to about it strictly for that, if that makes sense. Because sometimes the guy who might have gone through it might be as close as another person, and it can be quite uncomfortable. Whoever you speak to needs to understand you and be able to listen because if you don't feel like you can talk to them, you're bound to hold back and it'll be harder to reach a conclusion for yourself. Not to mention, I know that a common fantasy in the homosexual community which I indulged in while I was single is a gay/bisexual man being with a straight man. I'm not suggesting your friend would take advantage of you (Please, do not misinterpret), but I am aware of how things can get caught up in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, a small talk about sex is all it takes to kindle something you might regret in the morning. The most physical thing I would do, if I were you, would be to watch gay porn if you're going to do anything at all. But, again, this is only a suggestion, as it is your life.

I hope all is going well for you so far.