Is the knife in my heart or in my back?

[whereistheknife]

This is being told as honestly as I can tell it. As honest as I can be with myself and as honest as I can be with whomever reads it. You may see it as an attempt to justify my actions. You may see it as a person making something a bigger deal than it actually is. You may see it as a confession. Or a man falling in love against all reason. Any lies that may be told here are the ones that I have made myself believe are true.

I am recently 29 years old and live in a big city. About 2 and a half years ago, I met a girl while playing an online game. Even in this day and age, that still sounds weird to me. I became one of “those” people. We played quite often and talked and even corresponded outside the game. We exchanged pictures and both were pleased with what we saw. She lives over 1,200 miles away. She had a boyfriend she was living with at the time and I had a girlfriend so the conversation was kept very casual, with only a hint of flirtation. It went on like this for a bit and, like such things tend to happen, we lost touch.

Fast forward to the very beginning of December 2008. For some reason, this girl just popped into my head for whatever reason. Out of the blue. I have a girlfriend of a year and a half but this girl just began to dominate my thoughts. So I looked her up on the internet and found her. I sent her a message and she replied right away. She told me she too had thought about me over the years. She told me she was out of her relationship and that it was a bad one. A really bad one. I told her I had a girlfriend. We messaged back and forth for a bit and during this time I could feel myself falling for this girl. Now to take a time, out. I'm not a guy to "fall" for someone so easily. But I was falling for her. Crazy, I know. We stepped up the flirting in the messages and then I took a chance and gave her my phone number. She called right away and we talked for hours. Had a great time. Flirted, joked, and generally fell into a nice rhythm with each other.

After that first conversation, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I was trying to talk myself out of liking her but I couldn’t. We talked every day after that for the whole month of December. I learned things about her. I also learned that she didn’t want a boyfriend, that she wanted to remain single and concentrate on her finishing college. Which was fine with me. She is 21 and I am 29--an age difference that may or may not matter. And the distance between us might be a factor. But I am getting ahead of myself. Anyway, the constant phone conversations continued as did the flirtation.

At the end of December, we decide to meet. I decide to fly out to meet her. Now I don’t like flying. I hate it. I never do it. I never thought there was a reason that could make me do it. Apparently I was wrong. A beautiful, sweet girl who I was falling in love with made me overcome my vehement denial of flight.

Middle of January, I find myself taking not one airplane, but 2, to go meet her. I arrive at the small airport in a severely cold, snowy place. As I drive out in a rental car, she calls me and asks where I am. I tell her I am twenty minutes from my hotel. She screams with delight and tells me she is meeting me there. I drive as fast and as carefully as I can while my heart pounds like a basketball against my ribcage.

I get to the hotel and check in. I pace my room, still not believing I traveled all this way for a girl who I met on the internet. I'm just not one of those guys to do something like this. Totally out of character. She calls a few minutes later and asks what room I am in. I tell her and walk into the hall while talking to her. From the elevator emerges the most beautiful woman I ever, ever laid my eyes on. As sappy as it sounds, my knees seemed weak and my stomach was doing back flips. On the phone, she asked, "Is that you!" I joked and said nope, it’s some other guy waving at you. She then runs right at me and jumps into my arms and hugs me as tight as she can. She is gorgeous, perfect, and feels amazing pressed against my body. Still holding her, I walk us back into the room. We are both so nervous but so happy. Up close I can get a better look at her. Her eyes are her most dominant feature. A pale blue, almost gray color and very large. Hypnotizing. A man could get lost in those eyes, as this man did. Her lips had a unique shape to them which also drew attention to her. To me, she is a living, breathing angel on earth. And she is here to see ME and apparently very happy to do so.

I don’t want to get graphic. We ended up making love right away. And it was good. The best. I still couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to be in this incredible woman's arms. We cuddled and hugged and kissed and laughed.

Over the next three days, I met her family and spent as much time as I could with her between her classes. I was in love. Totally, completely, helplessly, and hopelessly in love. I never said it to her but I felt it. I never said it because I knew she always got quiet when the topic of a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship came up. So I kept quiet about anything even related to that. However, we were telling each other how amazing we thought each other was. I told her things about myself that I never spoke out loud.

The morning I was dreading finally came. I had to go home, back to my "real" life--although, my life over the last few days had never felt so real. So damned real. We made love and held each other. She told me that me leaving was harder than she thought it would be. I told her I felt the same way. She didn’t even want to leave together because it would be even harder for her. She tells me she wants me to come back and see her. I tell her that even though we are far away from each other, she will always be close to my heart. She leaves and, for the first time since I was a young child, I feel warm tears running down the sides of my cheeks.

The flights back are bittersweet. Bitter because I have to leave someone so utterly perfect and amazing. And sweet because I had the pleasure of meeting someone so utterly perfect and amazing--and would see her again soon.

I have never felt this way about someone as I felt about her. Not even close. I was and am in love.

We talked when I landed but it was short because I had to work that night. Over the next couple days we talked, including a conversation that was adult/sexual/playful in nature. During these few days, I couldn’t eat or sleep. I was missing her so much and wanted her to be back in my arms. I was already planning my next trip back. Already planning to end the relationship with my girlfriend. It wouldn’t be fair to her to pretend to be with her while my heart was with someone else. Even more crazy: I even thought about leaving my life and going to live by her. I have a pretty decent career and salary, no where near what I would ever find by where she lived. But that didn’t matter to me. Before her, I would never even consider just dropping my life for a woman. If my friends or family ever knew this, they wouldn’t believe it. They would never believe I would fall head over heels for someone like this. I surprised myself too.

Also during this time, in my heart and my head, I realistically knew that this might come to an end at any given moment. She is young, doesn’t want a boyfriend, and is very desirable. I knew there would be other guys she dated. While this thought did bother me, I tried to keep it t bay. That's what people tend to do, I think, when thoughts that are better left un-thought try and penetrate one’s mind. We build a fence around ourselves and defend it with gusto. When a horrifying thought threatens to invade, we do what we can to deny it access.

Then my dream was shattered. We didn’t talk the next day after our adult conversation. I found that slightly odd but didn’t give it much thought. I figured she was really busy with school and trying to catch up on her homework, since she spent days hanging out with me. The following day, I returned home in the morning from work. I dozed off and was awoken by the “ding” on my cell phone indicating I had a new text message. I looked at saw it was from her. It asked me to go online to chat with her, that she had something she needed to talk to me about.

A small part of me thought was excited that she might want to try the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. But my heart knew the truth; the sickening truth. I get online and she tells me that she is going to try having her friend as her boyfriend that it was something that was there and she realized it as they were hanging out the day before. My heart sank as deep as it could go without falling out of my body. She kept apologizing. I told her that it was fine, I wasn’t mad. I told her that I expected this and it was totally fine. What I didn’t tell her was that I wasn’t expecting it so soon after I left. I guess that’s the part that really bothers me. How can you tell me you really like me then do this? How can you tell me you don’t want a boyfriend but all of a sudden have one, and it’s not me? I have so many questions. But I won’t ask her them.

God help me I still love her.

She told me she kept asking herself why she didn’t want me as a boyfriend but she couldn’t find one good reason. She also said she was confused; that the other person felt different to her. I didn’t ask her to elaborate but I had some ideas on why that may be. The distance, familiarity. Or maybe she just didn’t like me. Not to me harsh, but I’m good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be a boyfriend?

She told me she ad to run to class and that we would talk later. She left and I remained stunned and heartbroken.

(continued in next post, too long for here)

[whereistheknife]

I tried to be good with it, tried not to let it show that it crushed me. But it did crush me. I could have told her that and meant it with all that I was but it probably wouldn’t have come across that way. Our words have a way of diminishing the most meaningful things. It seemed odd to me that I, a six-foot-three grown man, could be destroyed by a petite girl who barely stood five-foot-three.

Later that day, we spoke again. I wanted to be honest with her. I didn’t expect her to change her mind but I did want to speak mine as best as I could. I told her that I was not mad at her and that I still liked her--really liked her. In a roundabout way, I also told her I was falling in love with her. Stupid? Yes. True? Hell yes. I also told her that I would wait for her and that if she ever changed her mind about her boyfriend, I would be there for her. I told her I had no desire for another woman.

Those reading may say I am ridiculous for feeling this way and even more ridiculous for saying this to her. Maybe you think I am pathetic. Maybe I am. I don’t blame you for thinking this way. I would think the same thing if I was reading this or someone was telling this to me. I would tell them they are crazy. But please don’t judge me until you’ve been in a situation like mine.

So, she told me that it wouldn’t be fair for her to ask to wait for her or not to be with other women. I told her that it was my decision to do so. She said that if her relationship doesn’t work out that we would be together. This made me feel a sick sense of hope. There was still a chance with her since she said she really liked me and that I was a candidate to be hers. But there was the sensible part of me that would make me feel like a second choice if something was to ever happen. But I was with her first before the other guy, right? But I guess I wasn't in her heart (at least, she never told me) so maybe it doesn't count. I don’t know. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when and if it ever comes. I welcome the chance though.

We still have talked on the phone a few times, very bland conversations. Nothing like what it was. Am I crazy for being so heartbroken over this? Do I wait? Do I stop talking to her? Do I risk it all and flat out tell her I love her and risk losing what little we still have?

I love her. The sun rises and sets with her.

I welcome any and all questions, comments, advice, criticism, whatever. I needed to vent and for whatever reason I chose to do it here. I just don’t know what to do.

Please email me or post here. Email might be preferred but I will keep checking this board constantly. Thank you all again for taking the time and energy to read this long posting. I wish I could repay each and everyone of you.

Is the knife in my heart or in my back?

[email]solovesick09@gmail.com[/email]

[Mish]

Cliff notes please

[Lite]

You know, your story is actually remarkably similar to mine. Only with far less betrayal and anguish.

Let her go. You are not beholden to her, and you are responsible for filling your life with people in whom you find happiness being around. You shouldn't wait for her, you shouldn't nurture feelings for her.

Nothing says that in a few years or, even a few months, that things cannot change.

But in the meantime you need to address the serious problem you've created for yourself. "Can I be monogamous in a relationship." You've stuck your dick in someone else while in a relationship because you were too ****ing pathetically weak to break up with your girlfriend first.

Yes, that's harsh, but I did the same thing only it was a wife. So I actually know what I'm talking about here.

Me? Years later I married that woman. Just last Christmas day in fact. However, I didn't wait for her to come back into my life. It just sort of happened years later when she started talking to me about things and we clicked again.

Yes, it all really sucks right now for you. It gets better. Stop talking to her, she isn't worth your time or energy.

[IndiReloaded]

It just sort of happened years later when she started talking to me about things and we clicked again.

You really believe this, Lite? Few things in life truly happen by accident, especially in relationships. I would bet large sums of money that your (current) wife got back in contact with you for a reason. Even if she didn't consciously understand it at the time. Don't underestimate those unconscious drives.

[Gigabitch]

+ 1. I didn't "randomly" get back into regular contact with my ex after my divorce. I did it because I had a lingering emotional attachment to him. Now we're married.

[Lite]

You really believe this, Lite? Few things in life truly happen by accident, especially in relationships. I would bet large sums of money that your (current) wife got back in contact with you for a reason. Even if she didn't consciously understand it at the time. Don't underestimate those unconscious drives.

No, I know that she specifically started talking to me for a reason. I'm not that dense. She just wasn't consciously aware of what she wanted from me at the time, and I was wary of what she wanted from me.

I'm just saying that as the person who was sidelined, I didn't go looking to get her back in my life.

[bluesummer]

Sorry, whereistheknife, but I see this as karma. You cheated, and now you're getting what you deserved. You stuck the knife in yourself. Sorry.

Does your gf know what you did?

[whereistheknife]

I didn't meet this woman solely for sex. I fell in love. I would like to think karma wouldnt punish me for falling in love.

[bluesummer]

Did you miss the part about the cheating? Clearly you're missing that part.

You could've had the human decency to break up with your gf first, but you didn't. That's where the karma comes in. You do bad to someone else (cheat!) you get it back in return.

[Gigabitch]

I didn't meet this woman solely for sex. I fell in love. I would like to think karma wouldnt punish me for falling in love.

Well, it's not giving you a Get Out of Hell Free card, either.

[Lite]

I didn't meet this woman solely for sex. I fell in love. I would like to think karma wouldnt punish me for falling in love.

Yeah, no. As a person who cheated I know damn well you're a cheater. You lied about where you where going, and why. You slept with someone while you were in a relationship. There is NO EXCUSE for not breaking up with your girlfriend before ****ing the other woman or entering into even a pseudo relationship with her.

NONE.

You cannot justify your actions or behaviors. You have wronged your girlfriend and through your own personal weakness hurt her.

You officially suck. <--- See this? Say it out loud to yourself.

Now that you've ****ed up your ability to see yourself as monogamous and faithful, what are you going to do with your life to fix this? This is the biggest question you are facing right now.

[IndiReloaded]

Knife, you had a lovely, poignant affair. Just like in the movies.

Unlike the movies, tho, there are rarely happy endings. I could go into all the psychology of hormone addiction, the drama & excitement of the situation, etc, etc, but I'm not sure it would help you at this point.

Have you seen the old b/w film "Brief Encounter"? I think you should. Its a story about a couple who meet at a train station and fall in love, but in the end, they both know they can never be together as a couple and they decide to accept life as it is and learn to appreciate the memories of love that they shared.

Sometimes life is just like this. The IDEA of something is actually more meaningful than what the reality would have been.

This gal isn't wanting a life with you. She just wanted the experience of loving you for a brief moment in time. Now that time has passed and its time to move on.

Enjoy the memories of what was, don't pine for what will never be. Take your experience as proof you can love deeply and find someone near and dear to share it with. Good luck.

[Grayer]

Knife, I'm going to take flak for this but I also met someone in World of Warcraft 5 years ago and had a brief but passionate affair. I think we met 3 times (distance was a killer) and I still sit back sometimes with my eyes closed and smile when reliving those moments in the hotel room. When she was over, I met another girl and was with her for 5 years. Think of it as this really crazy thing you did once and let her go. Relationships that start like this almost never work out in the end.

[Only-virgins]

Knife, I'm going to take flak for this but I also met someone in World of Warcraft

What is it with World of Warcraft, I hate that game but is it like eharmony or some shit now?